What you tried to say to me

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Got a question. Is Neo Counter a good thing or a bad thing for a blog? I remember reading awhile back that it could be spyware or something similar. I’ve seen Neo Counters on other blogs and I thought it would be cool to know if I have any readers from other countries. Any advice?

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Happy Anniversary

I’ve been blogging for one year today. Yet, it all still feels so new to me. What a truly wild ride.

Thank you Internet world, especially for listening to me whine.

Thursday, August 25, 2005


With all the daily struggles that keep pressing in on me, now Big Brother isn't even helping me escape. Of all the housemates to win HOH why April? She is a limp noodle and has done nothing but ride the coat tails of other more strategic players like Maggie. I suppose this means the fun people are going to be voted out now (Howie & Janelle). At this point, I don’t care who wins out of these players: Maggie, James, Howie or Janelle.

I absolutely don’t want April, Ivette or Beau to win.

And Ivette…Shut up, you talk too much about things that aren’t even true!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Summer in a Day

One story that had a huge impact on me when I was a child, “All Summer in a Day” (written by Ray Bradbury) came to mind the other day. It’s a simple story but with a very important lesson so I’ll try not to give too much away.

A few days ago, I was given a gift, a gift so intoxicating and precious that the anticipation alone was enough to give me a glimpse of heaven. My husband and I were handed the name and address of a mobile home for sale and the owner was willing to work with our bad credit history. My husband immediately left work and drove to the Trailer Park and took pictures inside and out. At the time, the owner wasn’t available just the Park Manager so hubby wrote down as much info as the manager had available. As soon as my husband came home we scurried into our bedroom with my computer and he plugged in the USB thumb drive and we looked at the pictures together. It was one of those moments in time that will forever be stamped in my brain. We spent hours looking at the pictures, imagining what life would be like, back together in our own cozy home. We chatted about what furniture we would put where or have to purchase, as if we were young newlyweds. Granted, the trailer was small and old but we didn’t care, it was going to be our home and the drama we are currently living in would melt away. We fell asleep that night cradled in the joyfulness of an answered prayer. The next day we were to go over all details and sign on the dotted line. The hour of the appointed time, we were given the news that the deal was off. I can only say that the deal breaker was the fault of the middle man, not me or my husband.

The last few days I have been numb. The shock of a dream lost that was once a reality can be bone crushing. I felt like my life-force was sucked out along with being punched in the gut by a battering ram.

Then, last evening while I was trying to recover from yet another snatched brass ring, I remembered my prayer the night before we were to sign the papers. I prayed that if this deal was to cause my husband and I further plight down the road, for God to take away the offer. My faith tells me that this “deal” wasn’t what God had planned and the sadness that was spreading through my heart and soul lifted. I am incredibly fortunate to have God in my life and His guidance.

Hope…I have hope.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I may appear to be stupid but I'm not...really?

As you all know I'm quite the dunce when it comes to technical/computer thingy’s. For instance, I still haven't been able to remove the "read more" link from each of my posts. Now, I'm having problems being able to respond to comments (from my blog) that are sent to my email client. I'm not even sure I'm stating the problem correctly.

Anyhow, I've decided to respond to comments, by answering the comment on my blog instead of trying to answer every email in my inbox. Whew, I hope I’m making sense.

And what's up with my "Couldn't help it" post? The words are extending out onto my side-bar?

Stop laughing, I am not dumb! ;-)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Wicked Jennifer

I don’t know if I’m disappointed or something else. Big Brother 6 has just lost its luster. The people up for eviction are Janelle and Kaysar. I’m not rooting for either to win, heck I don’t even know who I want to win, but Janelle and Kaysar were good at stirring the pot and fun to watch.

It just dawned on me…I’m really upset because of Jennifer. There is a fair amount of deceit running amok between the housemates but Jennifer swore on her life that she would help Kaysar vote out James if Kaysar let Jennifer have the dubious honor of “head of household” and she stabbed Kaysar in the back. I know the show is just a game and that lying and back stabbing is part of the game but personally I would never swear on my life. My word is my word. Deceit to that level just feels unsettling to me.

That said, I’m not sure I want to continue watching season 6. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I will.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The truth in unexpected places

Elizabeth Bennet
You are Eliza Bennett from Pride and
! Yay, you! Perhaps the
brightest and best character in all of English
literature, you are intelligent, lively,
lovely-- in short, you are the best of company.
Your only foibles are that you stick with your
first impressions... and your family is quite

Which Jane Austen Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I took this quiz because as you know I like quizzes but I wasn't prepared for the results! I laughed so hard regarding the bit about my family being intolerable. So true...

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Hoping for an end

I think there is a divorce or separation (at the very least) on the horizon. My BIL is out on bond but the ebb and flow of emotions and especially the anger between my sister and BIL has created so much tension. The air in this house feels like thick layers of oxygen sucking mist. It’s chilling to watch them fight, and they are at the stage where they have turned on each other. Each one swears they are going to drag the other one through the mud. As far as I know my niece has no idea what has transpired and her attention is focused on school beginning. She will be utterly devastated if her parents divorce. I know I can’t make her life pain-free but she’s my niece for goodness sake.

I’ve spoken to my sister and BIL till I’m blue in the face and neither one is listening to me or each other. He won’t get treatment and is lying about his drug abuse. She has heard the same ole line so many times she’s given up on him. I’ve never seen so much denial in all my life. They’ve lived in a co-dependant lifestyle for fifteen years. She was using him for the money he makes for her shopping addiction, while she turned a blind eye to his drug use.

At this point, all I can do is pray for them, I guess. Truth be known, I’m sick and tired of all the drama.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Not responding

At least over five times a day I sit down and try to collect my thoughts and write a personal note to all of the wonderful people who have written to me on my blog. I sit and sit and nothing comes to mind. It’s as if all my thoughts and emotions have bottle-necked and words fail me. Yet, I can very easily post on my blog to the nameless faceless Internet. I don’t understand this. Has anyone experienced this dilemma?

I have a huge list of people that deserve a personal written thank you but instead I just thank everyone en masse and this makes me feel like such an ingrate. Again, I’m sorry.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Opened eyes

Never ever forget this advice…nothing is as it seems. I can’t tell you any particulars about that statement but the reality of the past two weeks happenings is twisted and filled with scary vengeful words. I think my sister’s life has just surpassed any crap I’ve ever gone through and she doesn’t even know it. Her husband is a lying, backstabbing, dirty, under-handed, epidermis slime-filled wannabe man.

Not that my sister is much better but what I found out last night just sent my mind reeling. I don’t want to know what I know. And what is so messed up is I can’t even write the truth in my blog because there is a possibility that my blog is no longer “private”.

I can update a bit on my last post. My BIL is not in jail. He is however waiting to go to court (wasn’t told a date) and my sister actually took it better than expected. I will update as the sage continues.

I was going to write more but I’m feeling uncomfortable, like my lips have been sealed.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Slipping down a vortex of drama

Here we go again folks.

My sister/BIL/niece are at this moment dropping my other niece off at the airport for her flight home. The minute the front door shut my husband pulls me aside and tells me that my BIL is turning himself in on Monday for breaking the law. My husband also told me that I’m not to apprise my sister of the situation that my BIL will tell her on Monday.

@$#$#%%$%$@##@#$&^*&^%^%%$ (this is me cussing like a sailor)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this means my BIL is possibly going to prison or maybe getting some kind of probation, and I will be left picking up the pieces of my sister who may very well try to kill herself. This may sound incredibly selfish on my part but I’m dealing with extreme illness, extreme debt and I don’t want to help them. And dammit, where were they when we were living in our car for six months. We begged them for help. We swallowed our pride and asked for help even after they treated us like trash the first time we lived with them. We got absolutely no help at all from them, not even a note the entire time we were without a home. We are drowning from life’s obstacles and life struggles we don’t need the added stress of my BIL’s mistakes. If I was in good health, at the very least, I would do everything possible to help my family but isn’t there a time when a person has to think of them selves first? Oh gosh, I feel so sorry for my sister. I’m babbling. The worst part is my BIL asked my husband if he would make their house payments while or if he goes to prison. We can’t afford the payments. And why should we pick up the slack when they have so much in savings and two very rich fathers’s to help support them in their time of need. My BIL won’t ask for help. He would rather see us his poor in-laws fork over all our hard earned money and cause us more debt then embarrass himself by telling his family.

I am now officially too flustered to write.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Don't want to know, just want to go

There is something strange going on with my sister, BIL and his place of work. I am being lied to by everyone involved and my sister is very close to losing it completely. I can’t divulge anymore info, except the fact, that a detective is in the process of questioning my sister and my BIL. Along with this scary situation my BIL was gone from 7pm to 1am last night speaking with a friend that has fingers in many pies such as law enforcement and a variety of community affairs. This is all I know. My sister says she hasn’t been told what it’s all about and either has her husband. It’s unnerving to feel my intuition slapping me around and not being able to put my finger on the pulse of the problem.

A song keeps sounding off in my head over and over but I’m not sure who sang it or the title of the song: We’ve gotta get out of this place, if it’s the last thing we ever do!

And hubby and I are getting closer to doing just that.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Feeling grateful

I'm crying (as usual) but this time its tears of joy because of all you wonderful bloggers out there. I have received so many emails and comments sending me encouragement and spiritual empowerment. Thank you, thank you so much. It sounds so lame…just “thank you”. I wish I could do more. My life of late has been difficult but I’m getting stronger. A lot of my strength is coming from all of you dear friends. Okay, it sounds sappy but it’s true. I really don’t know how I could have made it without all the support. I wanted to list all of your names but there are so many of you (I hope this doesn’t sound vain) and I’m so forgetful which bloggers want to be anonymous. So from “A to Z” I love you all and you are in my thoughts every day!

As for my latest illness, I’ve had blood work, scans and x-rays done and I have appointments with two different doctors. One appointment is next week and the other three weeks from now. Evidently the pulmonologist is quite the specialist and getting an appointment is tricky.

I must go; there is a lovely green-eyed kitty that needs my attention.

Monday, August 01, 2005

No more mr. nice guy

The difference between me and my sister/BIL is, they do things for what they can get or because it’s a duty. By duty I mean, they will only help someone if they are being “watched” by society. I on the other hand, do things for love. If my sister is crying, I cry with her and soothe her and try to take care of her problem never wanting anything in return. Her happiness means something to me. Call me a sucker but I genuinely love people and care with a depth that my sister can never match. I’m not trying to sound perfect or superior (believe me I’m not) it’s just a truth that I had to learn the hard way.

My life is not so sad or difficult that I warrant kid gloves but dammit, I was just told by a physician that I have a large undiagnosed mass showing up on my chest x-ray. I haven’t been well for two years and I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression recently. Not to mention, I have two other major diseases I’m struggling with. No matter how I’m feeling I’m ALWAYS there for my sister if she needs moral support. I have a level of respect for her because she is a human being and she lives with a drug addict and she herself is struggling with a drug dependency also. I give her respect because she let my husband and I live with her for over a year now. I simply love her. She is my sister and even though she’s treated me like I’m an after-thought, I’ll still love her because love doesn’t stop, but my ability to tolerate her disrespect will keep me from being her friend.

Since yesterday afternoon I haven’t spoken to her. I’ve been hiding out in my room with my poor husband getting me sustenance or other needs. A year and a half of them (sister, BIL and niece) treating me like a poor relation, giving me absolutely no respect and feeding my father lies about my husband and I has broken my spirit. What tipped the scales was so trivial and petty that I just lost it. Apparently, my sister’s electric bill for the last two months was a bit over three-hundred dollars (There home is in desperate need of new windows and a lot of other repairs). They don’t like spending money on anyone but themselves and since they are willing to live in a home where the temperature is next to boiling (we live in Texas) they keep turning the A/C gauge up and my husband and I almost pass out from the heat. My sister and BIL are grossly under weight due to their drug addictions and any temp less than 85 degrees is cold to them. The heat index the other day was 108, the temp inside the house was not much cooler and my sister was wrapped up like a frigging burrito with a thick blanket and complaining how cold she was. Meanwhile, my husband and I have sweat dripping down our backs and are so hot we are nauseous. I continually plead for my sister to turn the A/C down just one degree and she refuses.

This is where my sin comes into play. In the last three months there have been four occasions where I’ve turned the A/C down a degree while my sister and BIL have gone out for more than three hours. I know it’s not my home and I feel pretty rotten that I even meddled with the gauge but I do pay them money for the electric bill so I figure at least I’m not taking food out of their mouths (If that could ever happen with all the money they have).

Yesterday afternoon I happened to walk down the hallway to check on my sweet demon child kitty and what do I find on the thermostat, a huge plastic lock-box covering the whole thermostat so without a key you can’t adjust the temp. I felt my body burning with a rage that I’ve never experienced. I walked towards the living room and confronted my sister and she said that her husband was tired of large electric bills and that he thinks “someone” is secretly messing around with the thermostat. And, he decided to up the temperature another degree just to ensure no more whopper electric bills. I noticed my sister kept using my BIL as the scapegoat during the conversation which adds more fuel to my anger.

I am a lot of things, and I’ll admit I have changed the temperature (one freaking degree) on four occasions but the lack of respect I’ve suffered at the hands of blood related family members has hit the limit. I’m so mad I haven’t been able to even speak to my sister. I’ve been standing on my feet, breathing like an asthmatic patient, suffering severe chest pains to do HER families dishes every single f**king day, watching her dog, giving her awesome advice about her child and her husbands drug addiction, listening to her whine every hour on the hour, suffering through the heatand so much more and they disrespect me like this, calling me a liar and a cheat. Guess what, I’m not doing the dishes any more. I’m not ever coming out of this room unless they are all asleep!

The icing on the cake is, if they would have taken the money we gave them every month plus all the money my sister spends on ridiculous knick-knacks (she has no place to even hang or put the crap) from eBay and loaned the money to us we could have been able to move out months ago. I can’t believe my own sister would charge me rent and ask me to pay for things for them. I was living with blinders, too desperate for love to see what was right in front of me. MY FAMILY DOESN’T LOVE ME NOR DO THEY RESPECT ME. The kicker is that I would have moved out yesterday and gone to a corporate housing type hotel but all my medical bills have dwindled my savings. I am stuck. I know this is no answer but I’m calling my doctor and asking if I can up my anti-depressant medication because I don’t/won’t/can’t live with this broken heart.