What you tried to say to me

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Why...why does it always boil down to money? I handle everything in my life, the hardships the mental anguish, every evil thing that touches my life with quiet dignity but I never seem to have the financial backing to live even the most austere life. I'm tired. I'm getting too old for this life style. I need some semblance of security. I"m not going to make it. This is too much. After everything...everything I've suffered. Where do I go from here?

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Why did CH screw up the ending to the Sookie Stackhouse series? Seriously, Sam? I want my money back and the time I spent reading the series...And, watching "True Blood". I haven't read anything else she's written and I won't now. I realize it's just a book but crap, I invested six years of my life for the worlds worst ending. As light and fluff filled as "Twilight" is, it will be top of the heap due to this Sam debacle.

Boycott, C Harris.

Saturday, May 04, 2013


The pain, loneliness and sadness are wound in a tight ball in my throat. I don't want to be touched...my body is like a taut wire stretched to a breaking point. Agony. Sheer agony. I used to try and escape "me" but now I just sit and wait for death.

As a Marionette Doll, I do the bidding of others; it will be this way till I'm gone.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

I can't believe the journey life has taken me on. I am no closer to anything near being independent or even partially safe. The world is so damned ugly.

I'm on my third alcoholic drink, first time in several months, and I'm slowly slipping into a stupor. It won't last. I will wake up to the same problems but for now I get to drown out all the voices, noises, chatter, others insanity and the heaviness and magnitude of the persuasive evil that preys on us all.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

My beloved friends

Being that tomorrow is the day I cherish more than any other I'd like to say....

I love you Corry and Pia! I'm sorry I've been gone so long and left you without a "goodbye". I've never stopped praying for you and never stopped loving you and I never will.


Saturday, April 04, 2009

Home is a Honda CR-V

Back. Time has sped by and my life is still the same. After four years of living with my sister I've run the gamut of my illnesses, my husband has been laid off (Thanksgiving of 2008) and we are now back...living in our car. My sister and BIL deemed us unworthy as roommates due to our lack of funds and inability to pay rent. What a swell family.

My mental health has spiraled downward and I'm now addicted to cutting. I'm on many medications for depression and what not but the power of cutting is intoxicating.

Changing the subject. Hubby and I spend our days looking for places to park, find places to shower and obtain internet access so that he can look for jobs. I desire the internet access to feed my other obsession which is all things, "Twilight". I'm also addicted to Robert Pattinson and I know that makes me a 48 year old cougar but you have to be nuts if you think I care. Living is so hard. Give me fantasy, good dreams (if I can sleep) and anything to take away the pain of a broken heart caused by the evil done by my family.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Limbo of hell

I sat in the broken down chair, one hand held a large hand filled with pills the other hand a bottle of water. As if in slow motion the left hand slowly drew closer to my mouth. Closer. Closer still. My hand so close I could smell the bitter odor of the pills. My lips parted. I felt such joy, such power and the end to my pain was only an inch from my mouth.

Why the fuck did I stop? Why did I put those pills of mercy back in the bottle? I have no one. I get sympathy and people that claim they "know" but they don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they could feel my pain for one second I think they would die instantly.

And for heavens sake don't pity me. I'm not to be pitied. I don't want anyone to care, I don't want anyone comforting me. I just want the pain to stop.

Friday, June 22, 2007

A return

Isn't this an odd feeling? I've been away so long...I don't feel like I belong. I've let a lot of people down and I'm sorry about that. I just needed a change. One day I sat down and skimmed over all my posts and realized that the current theme was one of negativity and lack of change.

Sad to say, nothing in my life has changed. I'm still living with my sister, I'm still sick and money is always a problem.

I found an interesting group of people with a different focus than mine and have been spending time chatting with them on a message board. It was fun for awhile. I got away from all my problems and "met" some truly awesome people. But the same thing is happening there that happened here. I get to a point where everyone is moving on with their lives yet I'm still stuck in this quirky limbo.

What to do, what to do. I don't see a future for me. How is my life ever going to be lived if I can't participate? I guess this needs to be my focus. Growth, change and all that philosophical stuff sounds wonderful in theory but when you have a crippling illness...change is attitude only. I don't want to be sunshine and sweetness any more. I don't want to be the kind loving person that forgives and sits back and watches life pass her by. I want to be angry. I want to say my honest thoughts instead of politically correct crap.

They shoot horses don't they?

Saturday, March 31, 2007

She's been gone

Oops, sorry I haven't posted in sooooooooo long. I've been very sick and...I found a new passion. I belong to this forum and we talk about "stuff". Very cryptic I know but it's a secret.