My beloved friends

Being that tomorrow is the day I cherish more than any other I'd like to say....

I love you Corry and Pia! I'm sorry I've been gone so long and left you without a "goodbye". I've never stopped praying for you and never stopped loving you and I never will.

Home is a Honda CR-V

Back. Time has sped by and my life is still the same. After four years of living with my sister I've run the gamut of my illnesses, my husband has been laid off (Thanksgiving of 2008) and we are now back...living in our car. My sister and BIL deemed us unworthy as roommates due to our lack of funds and inability to pay rent. What a swell family.

My mental health has spiraled downward and I'm now addicted to cutting. I'm on many medications for depression and what not but the power of cutting is intoxicating.

Changing the subject. Hubby and I spend our days looking for places to park, find places to shower and obtain internet access so that he can look for jobs. I desire the internet access to feed my other obsession which is all things, "Twilight". I'm also addicted to Robert Pattinson and I know that makes me a 48 year old cougar but you have to be nuts if you think I care. Living is so hard. Give me fantasy, good dreams (if I can sleep) and anything to take away the pain of a broken heart caused by the evil done by my family.

Limbo of hell

I sat in the broken down chair, one hand held a large hand filled with pills the other hand a bottle of water. As if in slow motion the left hand slowly drew closer to my mouth. Closer. Closer still. My hand so close I could smell the bitter odor of the pills. My lips parted. I felt such joy, such power and the end to my pain was only an inch from my mouth.

Why the fuck did I stop? Why did I put those pills of mercy back in the bottle? I have no one. I get sympathy and people that claim they "know" but they don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they could feel my pain for one second I think they would die instantly.

And for heavens sake don't pity me. I'm not to be pitied. I don't want anyone to care, I don't want anyone comforting me. I just want the pain to stop.

A return

Isn't this an odd feeling? I've been away so long...I don't feel like I belong. I've let a lot of people down and I'm sorry about that. I just needed a change. One day I sat down and skimmed over all my posts and realized that the current theme was one of negativity and lack of change.

Sad to say, nothing in my life has changed. I'm still living with my sister, I'm still sick and money is always a problem.

I found an interesting group of people with a different focus than mine and have been spending time chatting with them on a message board. It was fun for awhile. I got away from all my problems and "met" some truly awesome people. But the same thing is happening there that happened here. I get to a point where everyone is moving on with their lives yet I'm still stuck in this quirky limbo.

What to do, what to do. I don't see a future for me. How is my life ever going to be lived if I can't participate? I guess this needs to be my focus. Growth, change and all that philosophical stuff sounds wonderful in theory but when you have a crippling illness...change is attitude only. I don't want to be sunshine and sweetness any more. I don't want to be the kind loving person that forgives and sits back and watches life pass her by. I want to be angry. I want to say my honest thoughts instead of politically correct crap.

They shoot horses don't they?

She's been gone

Oops, sorry I haven't posted in sooooooooo long. I've been very sick and...I found a new passion. I belong to this forum and we talk about "stuff". Very cryptic I know but it's a secret.

TTFN

At the end of the day or my open "dumpsville" letter to WK

Will, what is the matter with you? Do you not get the enormity of what you are giving up? She is a light shining so bright and so filled with kindness, generosity and intelligence. You are not worthy to be a part of her life unless you are man enough to admit the truth and grab the brass ring.

From this day forward, you no longer exist. Your life will pale in comparison to what might have been.

Stepping down from my soapbox.

Happy Valentines Day gifts for me…nudge, nudge, say no more…

This is my list of hot, charismatic, gorgeous or sexy men:

Bam Margera

Christian Bale

Clive Owens

Daniel Dae Kim

David Bowie

Eddie Izzard

Eric Bana

Errol Flynn

Gerard Butler (Oh my gosh, this man is incredible)

Hill Harper

Hugh jackman

Hugh Laurie

Jake Weber

James Franco

James Marsters (my Spike)

Jeff Goldblum

Johnny depp

Josh Bernstein

Kaysar Ridha (Big Brother hottie)

Lenny Kravitz

Marton Csokas

Michael Greyeyes (wow)

Michael Spears

Michio Kaku

Phil Keoghan

Steve Buscemi

Wentworth Miller

Wesley Snipes

Yul Brynner

Some are old, some are young, some are deceased but all have captured my…well, you know.

Just say no...

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

For Charlotte Bronte

This is my whisper…Please, please make it real. Give it the attention and care it deserves. Breathe life, passion and truth into this film. Give her the wings to fly, the wings she was denied.

...At a very young age (six or seven) I watched the movie “Jane Eyre” and was riveted. It was the 1944 version with Joan Fontaine and Orson Welles. Around age twelve I found the book (Jane Eyre) in my neighborhood library and after reading the book once I read it once again. The author Charlotte Bronte and her story of Jane Eyre profoundly affected me. I almost feel as though I actually know her. It’s a bit spooky.

The other day I found out that a movie is in the works about her life. I believe Michelle Williams (Dawson’s Creek, Brokeback Mountain) will play the part of Charlotte. My fondest wish would be that the movie shows the truest essence of the Bronte’s and commercialization doesn’t over shadow the picture.

I feel…embarrassed…I have so much in my heart and head but trying to put everything into words is very difficult for me. I hope this explains my post...