What you tried to say to me

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Can't blog

I just realized that I haven't been blogging. I can't blog at the moment. Hubby's father is still in the hospital and every day we get conflicting news. First, we were told if he made it through the first 48 hours his prognosis was good. Then we were told he had only 24 hours to live as his organs were failing. Most recently we were told FIL was put on dialysis and there was a sliver of a chance but still don't get your hopes up because his chance at survival is only about 1%. The reality of his possible death is taking hold of my husband and having been through the loss of my mother I know what he is feeling and it breaks my heart. I hate death, illness and I hate to watch people suffer.

Please forgive my lack of posts or emails. And again, thank you for all your prayers and kindness.

Friday, November 26, 2004

More news

Things are looking grim. Hubby and I have been up all night as we received a late night/early am call from his brother letting us know that my FIL has had a relapse. The doctors have not given any kind of prognosis except to prepare for the worst but pray for the best. We were also informed that the doctors might have found damage to FIL's liver. I'm trying my best to be there for my husband. It is so hard with my depression and now my sweet father-in-law is suffering. I'm such a freaking wimp. But I'm determined to be what ever my husband needs.

We got another update. If my father-in-law makes it through the next 48 hours he has a fighting chance. I have to be optimistic as the alternative is unthinkable.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004


Hubby's Dad is still in critical condition. Yesterday he under went emergency surgery, his appendix burst. The surgeons also removed his gall bladder, they found a large amount of pus inside which was wreaking havoc on his system. Because of FIL's compromised immune system, age (70's) and heart problems we are way past concerned. I'll post when I have more information.

For all the wonderful prayers and emails I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Prayers needed

My husband received news earlier today that his father is seriously ill and in Intensive Care. I'm not sure, but I think there are several health issues working against him such as, a weak heart and a severe staph infection. My poor husband is beside himself because his father lives 1,800 miles away. We don’t have the resources to fund a trip and we feel incredibly frustrated and useless. His mother, bless her heart, is there alone trying to cope. Another family member that lives in the same state (as his Dad) is out of town on business and we haven’t been able to reach him. Hubby’s parents are very kind loving people and I wish for their sakes that we were able travel the distance and be there for them.

I’m also getting a rather nasty headache and I think its due in part to the fact that my sister could VERY EASILY loan us the money to make the trip but she won’t. And when I told them of the situation their reactions were like, “Oh that’s rough…honey when you make my lunch tomorrow drop in a few extra dollars because I need to pick up the players guide to my new video game”.

Get the picture.

Anyway, if any one out there could say some extra prayers for my father-in-law I would be so grateful.

Thank you!

Sunday, November 21, 2004

I can't stop quizzing

Don't judge, attraction can't be denied.


Who's your male Buffy soul mate?
brought to you by Quizilla

And keep your paws off he's mine!

Saturday, November 20, 2004


Who would have thunk!

The name of the rose
Umberto Eco: The Name of the Rose. You are a
mystery novel dealing with theology, especially
with Christian vs liberal issues. You search
wisdom and knowledge endlessly, feeling that
learning is essential in life.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Stolen openly from Gina's wonderful blog.


I don't recall ever talking about this but I love video games. Gameboy, Nintendo 64, Gamecube, Xbox you name it I love it. My personal favorite games are Mario 64, Donkey Kong 64, Mario Sunshine, Banjo Kazooie and anything Zelda. Currently I'm playing Zelda Wind Waker (Gamecube) and I can only play for short spurts. The game is very involved and my focus or attention span isn't all it should be. I was labeled "Day Dreamer" in elementary school so maybe this explains the short attention span.

There is a possibility that my husband will be getting a new PC from his job and it won't be a loaner is will be his. My face is doing the happy dance! I was thinking how cool it would be to get a Sims game since I've never owned one. I was wondering what would be the best one. Any ideas?

I just saw an ad for a new movie called “Lemony Snicket’s: A Series of Unfortunate Events”. I’m so stoked! For some odd reason I truly enjoy children’s stories. ;-)

Friday, November 19, 2004


In a nutshell.

I started a new anti-depressant two weeks ago because my doctor didn’t have more samples of the brand I was taking. The last two weeks have been a nightmare. My blood pressure shot up and it felt like my head was about to explode when I bent over or had a BM (stop laughing…okay go ahead). But the most serious side effect has me so shook up that I am afraid of being alone. I’m actually crying as I write this…I’ve been having crystal clear thoughts of killing myself…with a gun…pointed at my temple. The sickest part of all this is that I was enjoying the thought of a gun to my head. Two nights ago I was taking out a sample package of the new anti-depressants from the little box it came in and out fell the enclosure. I was about to throw it away but something nudged me to read it. In big bold letters was written: Can increase blood pressure and suicidal thoughts. Call physician immediately if these occur.

I stopped the medicine but was unable to contact my doctor as he is out of the office till Friday. I haven’t been able to sleep for a couple of days. It’s after 5am in the morning and I’m very tired. I’m afraid if I take a nap I’ll wake up too late to call the doctor but I doubt if I’ll be able to stay awake much longer.

I don’t understand how or why they give out medicine to patients with depression that can CAUSE suicidal thoughts. WTF is that all about. I feel anger, sadness and betrayal.

I will update as soon as I know anything about anything.


I finally got a hold of my doctor and luckily he got in more samples of the medicine I was originally taking. I'm set.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Creature comfort

Everyday I give my kitty a shot of insulin (my husband gives her the nightly dose) and she knows it’s coming and she doesn’t like the situation at all. In fact, she sometimes tries to bite me. Today, even though I stuck that mean ole needle in her skin she turned to me with her breathtakingly beautiful green eyes and rubbed her head on my hand. This is her way of showing love. I bent down and gently kissed the top of her head and the minute my lips touched her soft fur she immediately began to purr. I love my kitty! ;-)

Monday, November 15, 2004

A voice

I just had an unpleasant experience and I’m pretty shook up. I was sitting by myself reading a magazine when I started to feel woozy. If you’ve ever passed out or lost a lot of blood you’ll know the feeling I’m talking about. I dropped my magazine and cupped my forehead in my hands with my elbows on my knees. I must have blacked out because the next thing I know I hear my brother (living over a 1,000 miles away) calling my name loudly with some urgency. I came to and realized I blacked out. I’ve passed out several times before so that doesn’t bother me. What bothered me was hearing my brother’s voice calling out to me. It’s too late to call him and I’m sure he’s fine but I can’t get his voice out of my head.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Can't wait

Am I in for a treat! I just found out that Gerard Butler is going to play the Phantom in the new Phantom of the Opera movie. There is a song from Rocky Horror Picture Show that comes to my mind when I think of Gerard. Guess.

Late nite

Today or should I say yesterday (it’s after 3:30am) I felt more in control of myself than I ever have. My newfound “spine” helped me to deal with two potential crisis-like situations. I’m feeling empowered but not in a greedy evil way (Darn).

The biggest obstacle I’m facing now is this mind-sapping, emotional roller-coaster depression that has befallen me. Since my doctor switched anti-depressants on me due to a lack of samples I now have four more weeks before the medicine kicks in. And although I’m feeling more goal oriented I still feel …so depressed.

Enough about me (she says lol) how is everyone else in Blogdom?

Saturday, November 13, 2004


Blogging has been a great outlet for me. The ability to vent or “speak” my mind is a kind of freedom I’ve never felt before. Yet, I still hold back my deepest thoughts because I’m embarrassed or afraid of what people might think of me.

No more.

I’m fed up with my life and all my oppressors…namely myself. I’m that stereotypical person that has lived their life trying to please everyone around me because I don’t feel good enough about myself or I feel like I don’t deserve respect. Hell, I don’t even know who I am. I had an epiphany last night. I have no clue what I want for my life and my life is almost half over. I don’t know if blue is really my favorite color or did I pick this shade because it was popular at the time. I’ve buried ME so deep into an abyss that when I wake up in the morning I don’t know what to do or if I even want to be alive.

How do I find myself? Ugh…that sounds so freaking cliché but it’s my truth. I have so much anger inside me. Anger at the bastard that molested me when I was four, anger at my father for his verbal and emotional abuse, anger that my family treats me like I’m a disease, and most of all I have such suffocating sadness that the one shining light in my life, my mother, was taken from me by cancer when I was twenty-four.

I’m spent. Honesty is tiring.

Thursday, November 11, 2004


Being that I’ve never felt powerful or superior enough to tell people to bow down to me and do my bidding I just want to know what gives people the impudence to do it to others? What criteria do people follow? Is it that they must make over $100,000 thousand a year or that they are thin and pretty or that they lie really well? Just tell me why my sister feels that she is so much better than me that she can treat me with such overt disdain, as if I’m her servant/slave. I’m living in her home and for this I’m grateful. The first month and a half my husband and I were unable to pay her rent because my husband hadn’t found a job and we were living on very small amount of savings from his last contracting job. Plus, we had been living in our car for six months before he got the first contracting job. As soon as my husband got his most recent position we started paying my sister and BIL $50 a week. I also clean the kitchen and do all the dishes everyday even though my health is not so good. My husband does odd jobs around the house like cleaning the second bathroom and yard work. He even goes grocery shopping for my (stay at home mom) sister. Every once in a while my husband brings home fast food for the whole family (me, hubby, sis, BIL and niece) and he pays for it all. We also give my sister what I call household money to help pay for laundry detergent, dish soap, aspirin, paper towels, and other miscellaneous things. My problem with the situation is that my husband and I have huge debt built up from college loans, credit cards, medical bills and other stuff that accumulated when he was out of a job for almost a year and a half. We are really poor. The $216 a month plus other money given to my sister isn’t much but when you are so overwhelmed with debt and trying to save money to move out it is a lot of money. It hurts that my sister is so wealthy and they don’t even need our money but they demand it every week. In addition, they make us feel so low, like we aren’t good enough to be family members. We grew up in the same home with a mother that was loving, gracious and warm-hearted and even though my father was not good father material how did she become so cruel and cold? What makes her think she is so much better than me when I have found out some things about her that could literally put her in jail?

The day we move out I think I will feel so much relief and freedom but until then the sadness and hurt is stifling.


I want to go to Coober Pedy and mine for Opals. Unfortunately, I hate heat and their summer temperatures reach 140 degrees. I’m also sure there are an abundance of creepy critters that would scare the dickens out of me. Between 50 to 70% of the population live underground, how fantastic!

Monday, November 08, 2004

Well...you got me

Over the past few days I’ve been having trouble getting/sending Gmail, trouble getting online and trouble with my blog. I’m able to get online, view a web site for less than a minute, and then I get knocked off. I’ve been trying for three days to stay online long enough to publish a new post, and email a few friends but so far that hasn’t happened. If anyone has emailed me recently I’m sorry about the delay in my response I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.

Of course I get up and running minutes before I go to bed. I’m too tired to make sense right now so I’ll have to wait till tomorrow.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Pretty Picture (Quiz)

ex light
You're like a fairy. Fairies were the little pixies
that usually lived in the forest with wings
like butterflies and perfect little faces.
they had brown or blonde hair and pale skin
with freckles. They were entergetic, joyful,
playful, very smart, and peaceful. Fairies are
deffinately the most famous of all fantasy
creatures. (If you cannot see the picture, go
to my userpage and look near the bottom. There
should be the picture and description for all
the results)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Blubber baby

Today I have my long awaited appointment with my Doctor. I pray he has samples of the medicine I need or I’ll be SOL! I’m a bundle of nerves and I can’t stop crying. I really HATE going to the doctor. I’ve seen way too many. I’ve been poked, prodded and even cut open enough that I have serious mental issues. Well…I’m just mental anyway. ;-)

I’m also feeling incredibly selfish and socially inept today. I left a comment on Froggie's blog (sorry I don’t know how to link) that makes me want to kick myself. She is struggling, trying to lose weight and I mention how easy it was for me to lose ten pounds in one week due to some kind of stomach flu. Then, I talk about food. AND I ask her what her favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is. Plus, six days without my anti-depressants and I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to cry; I hate crying yet I sit here blubbering.

Can today be my “Do-over” day?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Awesome new friends

I turned on my computer for the first time in days and I’ll be honest, I was shocked to see the kindness of strangers (comments) on my blog site.

Hip Momma you are a special person and I thank you so much for reaching out to me. And the anonymous person that left me the message “to take care of myself” I appreciate your thoughtfulness also. I’m not used to this type of attention (aside from friends) and I’m moved. I hope I don’t sound too sappy but I want you all to know that your goodness has given me strength in a time that I really need it.