What you tried to say to me

Saturday, October 29, 2005

What's up with Survivor

Does this season of Survivor make you yawn or is it just me? I can’t decide whether it’s because the interaction between the contestants is boring, this round of survivors have lackluster personalities or both. And don’t get me started on all the camera shots showing every spider webbing their way around Guatemala. It’s freaky and unnerving to say the least.

This is probably impossible due to ratings and such but I wish the producers would choose a destination in a snowy wilderness type of climate. That would be exciting and different.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Counting to ten

For the last two days I’ve been struggling with some issues and anger so intense that it feels like its boiling the blood in my veins.

My BIL is still unemployed and both he and my sister spend most of their time doing nothing. My sister does the absolute least she can with regards to taking care of her daughter and does nothing to take care of her home. My BIL sits at his computer most days for hours. This is the time when they could both come together and get their house clean along with much needed maintenance work on their home. Instead, they argue, mope and are about the two most useless individuals I know. My sister is using her inability to grow up and be accountable for her actions to thrust all and any work onto others. My BIL uses his stunted emotional growth to pass the buck when it comes to relating to everyone living in his house and he simply refuses to take care of the major repairs needed to keep his house from falling apart.

I’m so weary of listening to them act like children. I’m sick of the way they treat each other, me and my husband. But, what really sets me off is my sister complaining that her life is horrible (as she dramatically places the back of her hand to her forehead) and that it would help her if my husband could scrub her kitchen floor and if I could do more than just the dishes. My husband works 40 to 60 hours a week and takes care of me. Neither one of the ne'er-do-wells have a full time job. It is insane. I don’t mean to sound selfish but I’m grappling with three major diseases, the loss of mobility and a possible early death from a lung ailment. Yet, my sister stands in the living room crying while she takes her blood pressure and complains she can’t handle all the stress in her life and she says she is tired of doing ALL the work in the house by herself. Yesterday she said to me that she is sick and tired of having to take out the trash everyday and replacing the trash bag.

Well guess what missy, that’s life. We all have to do crap everyday that we don’t like and we all don’t have the luxury of pawning the responsibility off on other family members. We don’t all get to live like princesses and life isn’t about being waited on hand and foot.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Fur fur

The latest regarding my kitty is this…The vet believes arthritis is the culprit but there is a possibility of a tumor. So far there appears to be a small improvement after four days of medicine and from what I can see the pain my kitty was experiencing has lessened. She moves around a bit more but her tail still drags. I will be watching her for the next week for changes and will keep my vet posted. If she doesn’t get back to her usual routine or close to it, we will have to take her in for my testing.

Thanks for all the “well wishes”!

I was fortunate enough to watch Napoleon Dynamite and Shaun of the Dead recently and I’m still laughing. :-)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Dragging behind her

Night before last my kitty went from her normal (demonic) self to crouching oddly as if she was trying to defecate. She is eight years old, diabetic but healthy. My husband got her in to see the Vet yesterday and was told, after a lengthy exam, that she has developed arthritis. I’m extremely anxious about this diagnosis because when it comes to my cat she is like my child and I wasn’t with my husband during the exam to hear for myself what the vet said. Hubby has a way of losing things in translation. After spending some time on the Internet looking up Feline Arthritis and treatments I’m more anxious than before. The vet prescribed a drug called Metacam which is (according to what I read on the net) only for canines. I read many warnings regarding felines and this drug.

So, Monday I will call the vet myself to gain more clarity and hopefully reduce my anxiety. Until then, could all cat lovers unite and either email me or comment if they have any knowledge on the subject of felines with arthritis? What I’ve noticed in behavioral changes in my cat is that she is dragging her tail, she moves around much more slowly and can’t seem to find a comfortable position, she is eating less and she appears to be in pain. Also, as I said before, once in a while she crouches as if she is trying to have a bowel movement. The dosage of Metacam the vet prescribed is 0.3 mg once daily for three days and then 0.7 mg daily as needed for pain.

I care deeply for this creature that has given me so much more than I have her and if I seem abnormal in my love for her so be it. If any one of you dear bloggers can enlighten me or just tell your story I would be eternally grateful!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Apple cider, sunshine and cooler weather

The real me is dancing around the room with a gigantic ear-to-ear grin as fall weather finally approaches. Of course, I’m actually just sitting in my “sick chair” but I feel the season changing and it brings a delicious air of mystery and a smidgen of childish delight.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Learning to live

Had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I haven’t totally digested what the doctor said, too much to think about. He said I was profoundly anemic which means that I’m bleeding internally due to a tumor, polyp or “female problems”. Added to my lung ailment, auto-immune disease, high blood pressure and a few other diseases I’ve got a lot to deal with. Sitting in the exam room, nervous and nauseated, the doctor scoot his stool over to me grabbed my hands and told me to look at him. He held my hands tightly and very softly said, “This is very serious…you are at risk of dying if you don’t follow my instructions to the letter”. He said more, things that were meant to put me in fighting mode. While he was talking I thought to myself, “What a nice man, he truly cares for my welfare but it’s probably too late”. I promised him I would do all I could to “fix” myself and make a supreme effort to turn around this path to an early death. I realized at that moment I would only be fighting for the people that loved me because death was in fact my ultimate goal. I’ve known since I was a very little girl that this world was the Devil’s playground and too hard for me, that I wanted to be with God in a world filled with love and light.

Now, this lovely gentleman, my doctor was sitting in front of me with genuine concern in his eyes and he was literally begging me to become more proactive in my fight to become well. I felt so selfish and evil. Who am I to make the people I love suffer because I want to die. In that moment I decided to live. I decided to do what ever the doctor asked of me so that I will be around as long as I can. Life is short anyway so it would be cruel to give up or cause my husband to grieve my loss.

My road is going to be challenging but I’m already steeling myself for the battle. The next test I must undergo is a colonoscopy and then a breathing functions test. I’ve reached my limit for medical testing (insurance wise) so I will have to pay for these tests myself. Regrettably, all the money my husband and I have saved will probably go to pay for all the medical tests and surgery. I won’t be moving out of my sister’s home any time soon. This alone causes me extreme mental agony but I look at the world and on a suffering scale my problems are nothing compared to so many. So, it’s time to buck up and be strong.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


Many sleepless nights when I was a little girl I would contemplate the world and how I fit in. One mystery that piqued my curiosity was where does sound, especially voices, go? I used to imagine everything I spoke drifted on the wind and ended up in space only to bounce back down to earth into some one else’s dreams.

Still no closer to the truth as an adult, I woke from a dream this morning that tickled my interest again; emotions not sound traveled to other people’s dreams. My dream was more of a documentary of sorts and went on to explain that we dream other people’s emotions and our brain translates the emotion into our way of speaking or thinking for the most part. The reason why our dreams can seem so whacked is because the translation from someone else’s emotions to our own way of thinking isn’t an easy task for our brains. Also, my dream explained that every emotion in the universe had to be accounted for or acted on to keep things balanced.

It was simply a dream and I know the content of my dream wasn’t real. But…I felt an excitement I hadn’t felt in a long while. The kind of excitement I felt when I was very young and the world was full of possibilities, ideas and mystery.

Friday, October 14, 2005


Yesterday, my heart broke (again) into a million pieces; the cause none other than my father. After all this time he still refuses to love me or treat me with respect. I’ve forgiven him for all the pain or lack of real parenting he has inflicted on me and I’ve come to terms with the fact that he will probably never call or write me. It’s taken me years to resolve this difficulty within my head and know that what ever I did as a rebellious child is not the person I am today. My father it would seem chooses not to recognize who I am now and isn’t willing to forgive me.

The last ten years my BIL has changed jobs five times, all of which were for reasons to do with theft from the company he worked for. Also, he is a drug addict. I call him a cyclical drug addict. He professes to have reached his “rock bottom” and he spends a period of time clean and sober but then he sinks to new levels of addiction never managing to remain sober. Bless his heart; I do feel compassion for his plight. We all have our vices and I never look down my nose at him for this, I just pray that he can rise above the addiction. With each “fall” he causes a ripple effect on his family and himself. The most major being his stint in prison for several months (many years ago). I guess what I’m trying to convey is that my BIL has put my sister and all his family members through almost a constant torment. The fall-out from his actions is still causing trauma/drama to this very minute.

Which leads me to my current heartbreak…My father not only writes wonderful, highly supportive emails to my BIL but calls (phone) him too. In defense of my father, he doesn’t know all the facts because my sister is too embarrassed to tell him but even not knowing the whole truth it just seems sickening that my father is so willing to love and support my BIL and not me. My BIL read to me the email my father wrote him and I felt like time stood still and I could actually hear my heart being ripped apart. My father wrote a beautiful letter, so uplifting, and he used the words that I’ve always wanted him to say to me.

A day later and I’m still shook up but please don’t feel pity for me because I have truth on my side and my first and true Father (God) loves me unconditionally and I know this. I will persevere and one day my heart will no longer break but for today I’m feeling the loss of what could have been.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Hurry up and get cold please!

From my friend Deb.

You Are Warm Nights by the Fire

Peaceful and romantic. The best part of fall.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Major venting

I am about to go commando on my sister and BIL, then say things I’ll probably regret. Not really but it felt good to write it.

My sister and BIL are so freaking pathetic and LAZY. With my BIL not having a job you would think between the two of them things would get done around the house. Nothing could be further from the truth. The house hasn’t been cleaned, vacuumed, dusted or any sprucing up that would lend some semblance of order to the mess within. I literally have to shuffle my way through the dog toys, children’s junk and computer paraphernalia scattered around the living room and on the floor. I’ve tried to give my sister and BIL some slack because they have been under an enormous amount of stress with situations I’m not able to mention but the slack just went out the window. The laziness is so pervasive, like weeds popping up all over their home.

For example, how hard or demanding is it to fill up the pepper shaker? I don’t use pepper but I happened to notice the shaker has been empty now for over a week. My sister and BIL use pepper on everything so they must be taking the Costco size container of black pepper from the cupboard and shaking it directly to their food. What would be so bad about taking the process just one step further and pouring the pepper into the empty shaker? They rarely go grocery shopping (fast food or cereal is their sustenance of choice lately). They expect my husband to pick up stuff for them on his way home from work while they just sit around the house all day sleeping, watching TV or surfing the net. For their coffee they use non-dairy powdered creamer but that ran out 2 weeks ago so they use my refrigerated dairy creamer which usually lasts me quite some time but now is gone in four days with their heavy coffee drinking habits. Two more examples of their slothfulness concern paper towels and sugar. Can you guess? They refuse to put a new roll of paper towels in the towel rack and if the sugar bowl is empty they take out the large Tupperware container from the refrigerator and scoop out a teaspoon or two for the cup of coffee they are drinking at the time. Oh the horror of taking two more steps and filling up the small sugar bowl! And yes, I’m the one that has to always fill the bowl or else it would be empty every time I reach for the bowl. Call me petty for one or two empty bowls or shakers but this is a daily routine of a gazillion instances of neglect and it’s feeling more and more like I’m the owner of the house and I’m having to take responsibility for all that needs adjusted, fixed or replaced.

Did I mention they leave lights on in every room whether they are in the rooms or not? Then blame my husband and I for the whopping electric bill. I make the coffee everyday because my sister says it’s too much for her. I take care of their dog more and more. They stopped getting the Sunday paper so my husband and I have to buy it if we want a newspaper. We pay for all the toilet paper, hand soap, condiments, dishwasher liquid, snacks and a million more things. We are the poor ones and we are the ones trying to save money to move out but my sister keeps shoving more and more requests for household items in addition to the monthly rent we pay. Oh, and my sister used to make sure all the dirty dishes in the house ended up in the kitchen and were placed in the sink. Now I have to hunt for dirty dishes in all the rooms of the house.

It would probably take me all day and night to record the large and small (trivial or not) bad habits of my sister and BIL but it just dawned on me why I’m so angry at them. They in their minds feel that my husband and I are trash and that they have rescued us from a horrible existence. They believe we should bend over backwards to please them for their generosity. My sister’s words verbatim, “You should be so grateful to us and work like slaves to show your gratitude”. I’m sure I sound like such a wimp and that the paragraphs above don’t prove anything but my childish anger but what I’ve written is just the tip of the iceberg. The more serious reasons for my anger can’t be revealed. Let’s just say that my husband and I have been shoved into a world that isn’t friendly and I have to constantly watch my back.

Back to my initial point, the real reason I’m so infuriated at my sister and BIL is that they took out a very substantial amount of money from their savings to invest in a “strangers” business and they lost all the money. The venture was a scam. In other words, my BIL was more trusting of some one he just met then me. The thought of doubling his money meant more than me. If he had loaned the money to my husband and I (which would have enabled us to purchase a trailer/home) we would have paid him back AND with interest. Now, the money is gone and my BIL acts like a little baby and pouts all day and does nothing to find another job or even help take care of his daughter. He whines about the situation and acts like his troubles are worse than anyone else’s.

I just want to spend the last few years of my life in my own home (trailer or house) and find joy in the small things with my husband and cat. But, I’m stuck living in my sister and BIL’s home while I watch them throw away their lives on drugs, pity and bad behavior. I’m envious and irate that they have so much and they are not grateful and squander it when my husband and I are in such need. It’s not pretty but there you have it, the ugly truth about me.

Friday, October 07, 2005


My spirit is crushed today. I woke up from a dream that put me back to a place in my life that was incredible. Of course, at the time I didn’t realize how great my life truly was but I see now with stunning clarity just how fortunate and blessed I was (still am). I had independence and a life filled with friends, work, church and especially MOVEMENT. I was always on the go and if I had only realized my self worth back then I think that part of my timeline of life would have been complete.

I’m sure I will rise above this sadness and my spirit will soar but today I feel slammed with regret and I’m suffocated by a realization that came too late.

Thursday, October 06, 2005


You Are Strawberry Ice Cream
A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.
What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Also, I've tried unsuccessfully to fix the post below this one and I'm fed up. The spaces between the paragraphs are way too big and the whole post looks distorted. I apologize. It would seem my test scores are in conflict with my technical abilities. I feel quite the idiot!

Stop the Addiction!

All-Around Awesome

You have:

The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored well above average on emotional intuition and well above average on scientific intuition. (Weirdly, your emotional and scientific intuitions are equally strong.)

Your Emotional Intuition
score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their
unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates
social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good
at Quake.

Your Scientific Intuition
score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well
you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with
high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the

Try my other test!
The 3 Variable Funny Test
It rules.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 96% on Scientific
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 86% on Interpersonal

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Never again!

So, I’ve been stricken with an illness that is making my life a tad bit miserable, thus, I’ve decided to eat as healthy as I can. This is hard for several reasons. First, I can’t stand for very long so cooking is out of the question; the best I can do is microwave or already prepared foods. Second, my husband does all the grocery shopping now and to be kind his shopping skills aren’t too keen. Third, I hate all food that is good for me. Since I don’t eat that many vegetables I got this brilliant idea that I would drink 8 ounces of V8 juice a day to at least give me some proper nutrition. It was with great trepidation that I took my first gulp of V8 juice. I wish you could have seen my face as I swallowed that vile concoction down my throat. Much coughing, gasping and contorted facial expressions ensued. Bleck! Foul is the best I can say about the taste. Now 8 hours later I can’t get the taste out of my mouth. I’ve tried hard candy, salty chips, soda, milk and water and to no avail the rotten taste is still lingering.

Never ever gonna drink that stuff again!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Idle hands

A friend of mine is a few days away from ending a lifetime of smoking. YEAH! She has decided that to keep her hands busy she will either take up knitting or crocheting. I would like to help her but I’m not very creative and don’t recall how to knit or crochet. I would appreciate any input as to which one is more enjoyable, easier or information about how-to guides.

Thanks in advance and you ROCK Joanne!

Missing my blog life

Just popped in to say “Hi” and wish everyone well. My many ailments are kicking in and I’ve been suffering a bit with large bouts of fatigue thrown in for good measure.

There is so MUCH I want to write about and maybe one day soon I’ll get some energy to put all the scandals in a post.

Ta Ta For Now!