Learning to live

Had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I haven’t totally digested what the doctor said, too much to think about. He said I was profoundly anemic which means that I’m bleeding internally due to a tumor, polyp or “female problems”. Added to my lung ailment, auto-immune disease, high blood pressure and a few other diseases I’ve got a lot to deal with. Sitting in the exam room, nervous and nauseated, the doctor scoot his stool over to me grabbed my hands and told me to look at him. He held my hands tightly and very softly said, “This is very serious…you are at risk of dying if you don’t follow my instructions to the letter”. He said more, things that were meant to put me in fighting mode. While he was talking I thought to myself, “What a nice man, he truly cares for my welfare but it’s probably too late”. I promised him I would do all I could to “fix” myself and make a supreme effort to turn around this path to an early death. I realized at that moment I would only be fighting for the people that loved me because death was in fact my ultimate goal. I’ve known since I was a very little girl that this world was the Devil’s playground and too hard for me, that I wanted to be with God in a world filled with love and light.

Now, this lovely gentleman, my doctor was sitting in front of me with genuine concern in his eyes and he was literally begging me to become more proactive in my fight to become well. I felt so selfish and evil. Who am I to make the people I love suffer because I want to die. In that moment I decided to live. I decided to do what ever the doctor asked of me so that I will be around as long as I can. Life is short anyway so it would be cruel to give up or cause my husband to grieve my loss.

My road is going to be challenging but I’m already steeling myself for the battle. The next test I must undergo is a colonoscopy and then a breathing functions test. I’ve reached my limit for medical testing (insurance wise) so I will have to pay for these tests myself. Regrettably, all the money my husband and I have saved will probably go to pay for all the medical tests and surgery. I won’t be moving out of my sister’s home any time soon. This alone causes me extreme mental agony but I look at the world and on a suffering scale my problems are nothing compared to so many. So, it’s time to buck up and be strong.