Pieces

Yesterday, my heart broke (again) into a million pieces; the cause none other than my father. After all this time he still refuses to love me or treat me with respect. I’ve forgiven him for all the pain or lack of real parenting he has inflicted on me and I’ve come to terms with the fact that he will probably never call or write me. It’s taken me years to resolve this difficulty within my head and know that what ever I did as a rebellious child is not the person I am today. My father it would seem chooses not to recognize who I am now and isn’t willing to forgive me.

The last ten years my BIL has changed jobs five times, all of which were for reasons to do with theft from the company he worked for. Also, he is a drug addict. I call him a cyclical drug addict. He professes to have reached his “rock bottom” and he spends a period of time clean and sober but then he sinks to new levels of addiction never managing to remain sober. Bless his heart; I do feel compassion for his plight. We all have our vices and I never look down my nose at him for this, I just pray that he can rise above the addiction. With each “fall” he causes a ripple effect on his family and himself. The most major being his stint in prison for several months (many years ago). I guess what I’m trying to convey is that my BIL has put my sister and all his family members through almost a constant torment. The fall-out from his actions is still causing trauma/drama to this very minute.

Which leads me to my current heartbreak…My father not only writes wonderful, highly supportive emails to my BIL but calls (phone) him too. In defense of my father, he doesn’t know all the facts because my sister is too embarrassed to tell him but even not knowing the whole truth it just seems sickening that my father is so willing to love and support my BIL and not me. My BIL read to me the email my father wrote him and I felt like time stood still and I could actually hear my heart being ripped apart. My father wrote a beautiful letter, so uplifting, and he used the words that I’ve always wanted him to say to me.

A day later and I’m still shook up but please don’t feel pity for me because I have truth on my side and my first and true Father (God) loves me unconditionally and I know this. I will persevere and one day my heart will no longer break but for today I’m feeling the loss of what could have been.