What you tried to say to me

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Too much

I ran out of my anti-depressant medicine yesterday and my doctor’s appointment isn't for another six days. On top of this, my home life has just gone Code Level Red. I’m too fragile mentally right now to handle all this. I don’t know if I can post for a while.


Friday, October 29, 2004

Betcha can't guess

“For all my Days”

I love this song and I know who the artist is, do you?


Have you ever seen a mongoose kill a cobra…in front of your eyes…by about 5 feet?

Halloween is approaching and I was just thinking about creepy things. Got any creepy stories to share?

P.S. My answer is yes to the mongoose question. I was in a foreign country at the time, in a cave and eleven years old.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Blogger Quiz

I'm not sure if this is me totally but maybe?

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.
If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Help please

Please, if you can, tell me the name of this song and who sung it...

...As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows approaching me
And to those I left behind
I wanted you to know
You've always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where I go...

I only heard part of the song. It sounded old, maybe 70's or even 80's. The song was so hauntingly beautiful to me.


Pet•ty adj

1. of little importance
2. narrow-minded in nature
3. spiteful in character
4. subordinate in rank or importance

Lets talk about #3; spiteful in character. My BIL bought TiVo a short time ago by request from my sister. She told him that she had to have it because there were too many new TV shows this new season that conflicted with her old TV shows. So, he bought it, set it up and…she wouldn’t use it. She claimed it was too hard to use and she wanted him to teach me to use it for her. Her exact words were, “Honey, let Maryrose learn how to use it, she’s smart and she knows what I like. There’s just too many buttons.” Unbeknownst to my sister and BIL I already taught myself how to use the TiVo and was enjoying the heck out of it.

Moving along…as soon as BIL found out I knew how to use it and that I was TiVoing all my favorite shows he got so bent out of shape. Now, he sneaks behind my back and erases some of the shows that I tape.

Petty, just plain petty.

Monday, October 25, 2004


I can’t believe the audacity. I feel like I’m going to implode or explode I’m so freaking angry. This situation (living with sister & family) has peaked tonight. On top of all the crap I endure at the hands of my sister, she drops the bombshell on me last night at 10pm that she needs me to baby-sit the next day (today) from 6:45pm to when ever. I love my niece more than life itself and normally I enjoy spending time with her but the short notice and lack of choice has been a bone of contention between my sister and I for many years. Putting it bluntly, I have certain health issues that keep me jumping hurdles. I’m not always energized enough to take care of a precocious ten year old. And today I’m so exhausted and all I want to do is plop into bed early…even as early as 8pm but I can’t and I’m so frustrated on all levels. I have asked my sister a million times that I need to have notice of at least a few days. But since my husband and I have to live with her she feels she owns me. I don’t get a say in anything and I better smile when she dumps her work on me. There is so much more…I'm just too tired to type.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

If looks could kill

Wow! It took me two frightening days to get over that nasty flu bug but I'm feeling so much better now. I'm just a little bit wary of eating solid food though.

Anyone out there have cats? My cat gave me such a look today, almost human. It felt as if she was giving me the "finger" with her eyes. It was at that moment I noticed her food bowl was empty. She is a trip. I wish I had a digital camera so you could enjoy her scathing look as well. She has more personality in her little body than some people I know.

I love my kitty kitty.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Double whammy

I’m NOT going to eat pizza ever again. I not only just vomited up my stomach and lungs but I had the worst...diarrhea. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Is this food poisoning or a flu bug? The weirdest thing is I have this sick sweet taste in my mouth that won't go away.

I think I’ll shut up before I gross everyone out more than I already have.

Monday, October 18, 2004

The elusive Precious

I love gemstones, but for some annoying reason I can’t hold onto them.

When I was a little girl my father brought home gifts from an overseas tour-of-duty. My two older sisters received beautiful rings encrusted with tiny gems. If I remember correctly, the rings were called “Princess” rings. Each ring had three tiers the upper tier was a diamond. Granted, the gemstones were really small but the rings were so elegant and lovely. I still remember how ceremonious my father made the evening and how he smiled when he gave each sister their ring. Later, after all the hoopla my father threw at my brother and me our gifts. I unwrapped my present with lightning speed to find a large ugly plastic ring with a dead ant inside the center of the ring. My brother got the same thing. While he was ecstatic about his present I was so disappointed that I couldn’t speak. As far as I could tell no one noticed my shock and life carried on.

Years later while still in high school, my elder sister toured Europe for several months while studying Art History in College. My parents gave her extra cash for her to purchase a few pieces of jewelry for the family. Each daughter was bought a ring. My sister Eve got a sapphire ring, Sybill an emerald and I a ruby ring. Three years later the ruby ring was stolen.

A few years after that incident I found an emerald ring at a jewelry store that I fell in love with. It took a year of making monthly payments before I was able to bring the ring home and wear on my finger. At nineteen and living on my own with a meager salary I was so proud of myself. Three months later I was grocery shopping in Albertsons when I reached for a bottle of soda off the shelf and my hand came in contact with sticky soda that was all over the bottle. I went into the bathroom took my ring off (put it in my shirt pocket) to wash my hands and went about my business. The next day I realized my ring was gone. I looked everywhere and no ring. I re-traced my steps and to no avail, the ring was gone. I called Albertsons hoping maybe it had turned up and the customer service rep said that she would check for me and call me back. No such luck.

Since the time I lost my emerald ring up to now, the few rings that I’ve acquired through the years have been lost, stolen or lost in freak accidents. So, when my husband asked me what type of engagement ring I would like I said, “none”.

Just for fun, since fate is against me owning rings, I can still dream. My favorite gems are emeralds, opals, and sapphires. I also adore black pearls. Do you have any favorites?

Killing me piece by piece

Lying is a real BIG issue for me. I can't stand it when I’m lied to. Not little white or kind lies but the really big things in life. If someone was to lie to me about a certain shade of eye make-up or an outfit that was not so flattering I can understand that. But when you lie about something that can hurt me (I mean really hurt me) my trust is out the window. This person knows who they are and I'm almost at the end of my rope.


Clarification: This person is someone I know personally.

Sunday, October 17, 2004


You're a cat - the sexiest halloween symbol.  You're very laid back about the whole thing but you feel most comfortable at this time of year.  you'll do anything for a treat!
You're a cat - the sexiest halloween symbol.
You're very laid back about the whole thing but
you feel most comfortable at this time of year.
you'll do anything for a treat!

"A spooky hallowe'en quiz!"
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, October 15, 2004

First Meme

  • First job: Baby sitting/ telephone solicitor

  • First screen name: Starry7

  • First funeral: Best friends father

  • First pet: Percy, a loving orange kitty

  • First piercing: ears

  • First tattoo: none

  • First credit card: Robinsons dept store

  • First kiss: 2nd grade, neighbor boy

  • First enemy: none

  • Last car ride: joy ride with hubby

  • Last kiss: this morning, from hubby

  • Last movie watched: Equilibrium with sexy Christian Bale

  • Last beverage drank: Diet Pepsi Caf-free

  • Last food consumed: baked chicken

  • Last phone call: BIL just called

  • Last time showered: this morning

  • Last CD played: Too long ago to remember

  • Last website visited: CNN

  • Single or taken: Taken

  • Gender: Female

  • Birthday: December

  • Sign: not interested

  • Siblings: three

  • Hair color: light brown

  • Eye color: blue

  • Shoe size: 9

  • Height: 5'6

  • Wearing: T-shirt & shorts

  • Drinking: coffee

  • Thinking about: Why Martha Stewart gets a prison term when dangerous criminals get no jail time

  • Listening to: Weather/local news

I got this meme via Christine, in turn she got it from Lisa. I'm sorry to say I have no idea how to link their blog sites. I am not computer savvy in the least. Thank you Christine and Lisa.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Dealing with depression

I've mentioned once or twice before that I suffer from depression. I recently started a prescribed regiment of medicine and I feel some relief. But there are periods when the depression is so overwhelming. It’s impossible for me to describe the sheer loneliness, sadness, and feeling of doom that washes over me during these attacks. Nothing and I mean nothing matters to me and I feel like I’m suffocating. I burst into tears for absolutely no reason. I’m even agitated now because I can’t seem to convey, with my writing, the depths of my depression.

Even though these bouts of “madness” occur very rarely now I would like to be able to deal with them without upping my dose of medicine. If any one can offer me advice I would be very thankful!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Uh Oh

NEWS ALERT: The U.S. Geological Survey says a new lava dome is growing in the crater of Mount St. Helens. Rocks are glowing with heat at about 1,000 degrees. That could mean magma has reached the surface.

Doubts (really long post)

Sometimes I get so frustrated! I can’t find the words to match my thoughts. I love to write, always have, but I take so long to put even one sentence on paper. I want to be heard or at the very least understood. Term papers in high school were agonizing and I usually procrastinated until it was too late and I failed in grade and content. With that said I hope who ever reads this post will understand my ponderings.

I don’t know right from wrong in certain cases. I know spiritually that to murder or to steal is wrong. I believe in the Ten Commandments. But there are times when I’m not sure the decision I’ve made or need to make is right or wrong. My early years taught me nothing but fear and indecisiveness. I’m crippled by doubt, plus it doesn’t help that my family claims that I always make the wrong decisions.

Here is an example. When I was in my late twenties I worked as a clerk in a Lab. After awhile I noticed that I was playing gopher to not only my supervisor and other department co-workers but also to other departments. The workload progressively got larger and larger. Meantime, two co-workers Pearl and Kathrine decided that my life wasn’t bad enough and declared War on me. What ever you can say about me, not working hard isn’t one of them. In fact, I get quite obsessive with work and I usually produce much more then those around me. Part of the reason Pearl and Kathrine disliked me (I found out much later) was because I stopped helping them with their workload. The only reason I stopped was because I was reprimanded by my supervisor for doing their jobs. The “War” became rather nasty and started to interfere with patient care. Our supervisor held a meeting and we all got written up. This really ticked me off because I was the victim of the mean spiritedness and I never once reciprocated. Plus, I know for a fact that my supervisor was aware of Pearl and Kathrine’s shenanigans but she involved me in what should have been their punishments. I was over-worked, underpaid and simply tired of the childish behavior that continued even after my supervisor got involved. I did the unthinkable; I spoke of my problems with the Administrator of the clinic. I didn’t seek her out, she just happened to eat lunch with my friends and I on occasion. Louise (alias) called me into her office a few times after our lunch conversation to discuss the situation in the lab. She was very kind and really seemed to have a good grasp of my plight. She even informed me that Pearl and Kathrine had other complaints in their personal files from several other co-workers. Time went on but nothing changed. Now, along with Pearl and Kathrine my supervisor became increasingly hostile towards me. My work life became almost intolerable. Everyday my supervisor dumped more and more work on me and I couldn’t keep up, staying late (off the clock) to finish the added workload. After a year, I couldn’t bear it anymore and I spoke again with Louise. Two days later, Pearl and Kathrine came into my cubicle and whispered in unison, “You’re gonna get it”. I didn’t think anything of it because I was used to their childish verbal attacks. Not two hours later my supervisor calls me into her office and lays into me about my inability to do my job. Lies came spewing from her mouth and I sat there in shock not knowing what to say. I was so distraught and completely baffled by her attitude. At one point we had a great relationship and shared a mutual respect but what I saw in her face as she stood there was total dislike. Something inside me snapped and I told her to stop her harassment and that I wouldn’t sit there a moment more and listen to her lies. She asked me if I was quitting. Up to that point the thought never crossed my mind. I paused and in my gut I knew there was more going on then I was privy to and before I could stop myself I calmly stated, “Yes I quit”. I got my purse and went to Louise’s office and told her what had just transpired. A part of me thought that Louise would fix the mess and vindication would be mine. Boy was I wrong. Louise started acting odd almost agitated. She said that she had new information from my supervisor that I had become a “problem” and that my behavior was causing patient care disruption. A year of bottling up my emotions and working so frigging hard burst forth and I began to cry. Sobbing, I asked her for specific incidents of patient disruption or other problems I was causing but Louise only said, “Stop crying it’s not professional”. I couldn’t stop; although it wasn’t loud crazy sobbing it was soft quiet cries. This went on for about ten minutes; I cried and she got nastier. Finally she stood up and screamed at me to leave the building now or she would have me escorted out. I was so taken a back by her words that I felt like disappearing into nothingness. I left the building and never looked back.

One aspect of this scenario that haunts me to this day is the fact that I don’t know if my behavior was normal or extreme in that situation. My right and wrong perspective is skewed. I personally didn’t feel her treatment of me was very fair. She actually screamed at me. Plus, her threat to have security escort me out of the building made me feel like a criminal. Then I try to look at the scene logically. Louise was an administrator of a large clinic with degrees plastered on all her office walls so she must be an expert in her field and then I start to doubt myself.

Can some one give me a different (objective) viewpoint on the whole affair?

Monday, October 11, 2004

Heavenly weekend

What a wonderful weekend! I feel calm, peaceful and happy. Hubby and I had a great time. It was a little limited because he had to work several hours but still, we got to spend every minute he wasn’t at work, ALONE (nudge, nudge say no more). We splurged and had pizza and wings (Pizza Hut) delivered Saturday evening. I wasn’t too keen on forking over money on fast food but it was a special occasion.

The best part of the weekend was simply the quietness. No fighting (sister and BIL), no relentless chatter from a ten year girl that is in love with Jesse McCartney and makes sure you hear every detail of Jesse’s life down to the age of every family member and their favorite color even though you’ve heard it a hundred times. No second-hand cigarette smoke seeping in the living room by way of the back patio. No endless phone calls from niece’s friends (10 calls a day) along with no slamming doors over and over from these friends coming over every day and running in and out of niece’s bedroom and the front door. No dog barking 24/7 at the commotion of all the human traffic of children, neighbors and solicitors banging on the front door. No mind games and being pulled into two by my sister and her husband. Just pure sweet quiet. Aahhhhhh.

Having the freedom to walk around the house, do things on my time and getting to play Zelda and Spongebob (GameCube and Xbox) on the big screen TV was awesome.

A weekend without stress is so rejuvenating.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Ding dong they will be gone

Today at 5pm I will be shouting with joy and doing a happy dance. My sister, her husband and child will be leaving for a weekend vacation. Hubby and I will have the house to ourselves from 5pm (friday) till 1pm Monday. I can't express how I feel in words, so I won't even try.

Enjoy the weekend, I know I will.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Beautiful places

I don't know what made me think about this but I guess I've got the traveling itch again. So with that said, the three places I would absolutely love to visit are:

Australia/New Zealand

I doubt I'll ever get to go, but I'll never stop dreaming.

I grew up a military brat so I have traveled extensively but most of the travel was done from birth to late teens. I would like to see the world as an adult.

What three places would you like to visit?

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Enough already

Trust and honesty are a HUGE deal to me. No, I’m not perfect and I’ve lied before and probably will in the future because I’m a sinner. But, I am loyal and can be trusted and I usually only lie to keep someone from getting hurt. Yesterday, late night I found out my sister once again lied to me in a big way. If my source is telling the truth (not sure if I can trust him) then my sister along with my BIL are addicts. I had my suspicions with my sister but I wasn’t sure. I don’t know what to do with this information. If I were to tell any of my other family members (father, brother, other sister) I don’t think they would believe me. I am the black sheep of my family (due in part because of my sisters) and my father disowned me a short time ago. I just want to leave this house and never come back but that’s not possible. I saw a commercial tonight that made me feel so so guilty. It was along the lines of, “Would you stand by and let your friend drown with out trying to save them”. Aside from telling her that she has a problem, and I’m sure she will deny it, what can I do?

The weird thing about this whole messed up situation is that my sister is such a good liar and she manipulates me with such ease. Plus, she recently committed a horrible act against someone she called a good friend. It’s like there is a secret life she leads that has just been revealed to me. I feel so betrayed but not by her but by my father. I have done nothing to warrant his disdain and ill treatment of me yet the sibling he regards so highly and loves without conditions is the one whose character is more like what he thinks of me. Gads I’m tired. Tired of my family and tired physically. Just when I’ve come to terms with my father’s hatred of me I am handed the real truth about my sister’s true nature and I want to run and tell Daddy but I can’t. Why hurt an old man with something that would rip his heart out. He would still think I’m not worthy anyway.

I hope I’m making sense. I have to get some sleep, I feel my eyelids drooping.


I still have four gmail invites left. Comment or email me.


Sunday, October 03, 2004

Still here

I don’t feel like writing very much. Life in this house is teetering on the edge of total chaos. Last night my sister finally, after so many years, took my side and told my BIL that under no circumstances was he kicking anyone out of the house. The only problem with her declaration is that she usually does things in HER best interest. Which translates to, we are able to stay as long as we are on her side. Dishonesty and self-interest runs rampant in this house, and my husband and I are walking on eggshells afraid to open our mouths to even say good morning. I had to take a full dosage of Xanax yesterday and today to stop shaking.

So, for the time being I will continue to live in this nut house and endure the constant threat of being kicked out. I did a lot of thinking last night (couldn’t sleep) and the comment I made about Karma in my post yesterday kept playing in my head. By nature I believe I am a kind person. I don’t believe I have hurt anyone maliciously or on purpose just because I could…but I’ll be brutally honest with myself and admit that I am a sinner and I have hurt people. If what I’m going through now is payment for the wrongs I’ve committed then so be it. I want to pay. I need to pay. The pain I’m suffering now is so intense and the sadness is overwhelming. If I ever (or have in the past) cause someone to feel this way I don’t deserve a good life.

Could be last post

I can't take one more eviction. It's 12 midnight and my sister and BIL are fighting again. He is addicted to drugs and is making everyone's life miserable. Instead of facing up to his problems he tells me that my husband and I are interfering with his marriage so we have to go. I can't live in the car again. It would destroy what is left of my spirit. I don't know what to do. My sister is in the bedroom talking to him as I write this, but even if he agrees to let us stay why would I want to. If karma is involved here what the hell did I ever do to deserve this?

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Love and betrayal

Love…it makes me crazy. I crave it, I need it and it can make me feel happy and strong. I have a huge heart and I love very deeply. Even if I have been betrayed or hurt I still love that person, and I still try to find some good in said person or people. To me the love can never stop. It may change or other emotions push their way to the forefront but the love is always there. This is why I feel such sadness at my sister’s pain and suffering. My sister has caused me so much grief and heartache. Her lack of self worth has caused her to do some pretty rotten things to others and me. She has an obsession or need to have my father love her the best and be his favorite daughter. Because of this obsession she has ruined any chance for my father and I to have a relationship. The details of her betrayal towards me are too long to put in a single post and I’m not in the mood to bring up all the hurt at the moment. Suffice it to say, I have the “right” to be angry with her and I have the “right” to even walk away from any kind of sisterly relationship. But, as I said before I love deeply. Some people have called me a sucker or even stupid for even talking to my sister (I live with her so it’s a little hard not to). Even as recent as two days ago I caught her lying to my father about my husband and me. She doesn’t know I overheard the phone conversation but even still I keep loving her. My situation is so screwed up. My husband and I have to live with her and her husband because of our serious money problems and life in her home is so stressful. The hurt I feel when she treats me so poorly is intense and sometimes I feel like I’m choking on the pain. Yet, when she cries it breaks my heart and I want to be there for her. Am I a sucker? And then, sometimes (not often) she can be so loving to me and she even admits that she hates the way she treats me but she doesn’t stop.

I can only take life one day at a time and pray that my husbands contracting position turns into a direct position and we can save enough money to move out on our own.