Doubts (really long post)

Sometimes I get so frustrated! I can’t find the words to match my thoughts. I love to write, always have, but I take so long to put even one sentence on paper. I want to be heard or at the very least understood. Term papers in high school were agonizing and I usually procrastinated until it was too late and I failed in grade and content. With that said I hope who ever reads this post will understand my ponderings.

I don’t know right from wrong in certain cases. I know spiritually that to murder or to steal is wrong. I believe in the Ten Commandments. But there are times when I’m not sure the decision I’ve made or need to make is right or wrong. My early years taught me nothing but fear and indecisiveness. I’m crippled by doubt, plus it doesn’t help that my family claims that I always make the wrong decisions.

Here is an example. When I was in my late twenties I worked as a clerk in a Lab. After awhile I noticed that I was playing gopher to not only my supervisor and other department co-workers but also to other departments. The workload progressively got larger and larger. Meantime, two co-workers Pearl and Kathrine decided that my life wasn’t bad enough and declared War on me. What ever you can say about me, not working hard isn’t one of them. In fact, I get quite obsessive with work and I usually produce much more then those around me. Part of the reason Pearl and Kathrine disliked me (I found out much later) was because I stopped helping them with their workload. The only reason I stopped was because I was reprimanded by my supervisor for doing their jobs. The “War” became rather nasty and started to interfere with patient care. Our supervisor held a meeting and we all got written up. This really ticked me off because I was the victim of the mean spiritedness and I never once reciprocated. Plus, I know for a fact that my supervisor was aware of Pearl and Kathrine’s shenanigans but she involved me in what should have been their punishments. I was over-worked, underpaid and simply tired of the childish behavior that continued even after my supervisor got involved. I did the unthinkable; I spoke of my problems with the Administrator of the clinic. I didn’t seek her out, she just happened to eat lunch with my friends and I on occasion. Louise (alias) called me into her office a few times after our lunch conversation to discuss the situation in the lab. She was very kind and really seemed to have a good grasp of my plight. She even informed me that Pearl and Kathrine had other complaints in their personal files from several other co-workers. Time went on but nothing changed. Now, along with Pearl and Kathrine my supervisor became increasingly hostile towards me. My work life became almost intolerable. Everyday my supervisor dumped more and more work on me and I couldn’t keep up, staying late (off the clock) to finish the added workload. After a year, I couldn’t bear it anymore and I spoke again with Louise. Two days later, Pearl and Kathrine came into my cubicle and whispered in unison, “You’re gonna get it”. I didn’t think anything of it because I was used to their childish verbal attacks. Not two hours later my supervisor calls me into her office and lays into me about my inability to do my job. Lies came spewing from her mouth and I sat there in shock not knowing what to say. I was so distraught and completely baffled by her attitude. At one point we had a great relationship and shared a mutual respect but what I saw in her face as she stood there was total dislike. Something inside me snapped and I told her to stop her harassment and that I wouldn’t sit there a moment more and listen to her lies. She asked me if I was quitting. Up to that point the thought never crossed my mind. I paused and in my gut I knew there was more going on then I was privy to and before I could stop myself I calmly stated, “Yes I quit”. I got my purse and went to Louise’s office and told her what had just transpired. A part of me thought that Louise would fix the mess and vindication would be mine. Boy was I wrong. Louise started acting odd almost agitated. She said that she had new information from my supervisor that I had become a “problem” and that my behavior was causing patient care disruption. A year of bottling up my emotions and working so frigging hard burst forth and I began to cry. Sobbing, I asked her for specific incidents of patient disruption or other problems I was causing but Louise only said, “Stop crying it’s not professional”. I couldn’t stop; although it wasn’t loud crazy sobbing it was soft quiet cries. This went on for about ten minutes; I cried and she got nastier. Finally she stood up and screamed at me to leave the building now or she would have me escorted out. I was so taken a back by her words that I felt like disappearing into nothingness. I left the building and never looked back.

One aspect of this scenario that haunts me to this day is the fact that I don’t know if my behavior was normal or extreme in that situation. My right and wrong perspective is skewed. I personally didn’t feel her treatment of me was very fair. She actually screamed at me. Plus, her threat to have security escort me out of the building made me feel like a criminal. Then I try to look at the scene logically. Louise was an administrator of a large clinic with degrees plastered on all her office walls so she must be an expert in her field and then I start to doubt myself.

Can some one give me a different (objective) viewpoint on the whole affair?