Love and betrayal

Love…it makes me crazy. I crave it, I need it and it can make me feel happy and strong. I have a huge heart and I love very deeply. Even if I have been betrayed or hurt I still love that person, and I still try to find some good in said person or people. To me the love can never stop. It may change or other emotions push their way to the forefront but the love is always there. This is why I feel such sadness at my sister’s pain and suffering. My sister has caused me so much grief and heartache. Her lack of self worth has caused her to do some pretty rotten things to others and me. She has an obsession or need to have my father love her the best and be his favorite daughter. Because of this obsession she has ruined any chance for my father and I to have a relationship. The details of her betrayal towards me are too long to put in a single post and I’m not in the mood to bring up all the hurt at the moment. Suffice it to say, I have the “right” to be angry with her and I have the “right” to even walk away from any kind of sisterly relationship. But, as I said before I love deeply. Some people have called me a sucker or even stupid for even talking to my sister (I live with her so it’s a little hard not to). Even as recent as two days ago I caught her lying to my father about my husband and me. She doesn’t know I overheard the phone conversation but even still I keep loving her. My situation is so screwed up. My husband and I have to live with her and her husband because of our serious money problems and life in her home is so stressful. The hurt I feel when she treats me so poorly is intense and sometimes I feel like I’m choking on the pain. Yet, when she cries it breaks my heart and I want to be there for her. Am I a sucker? And then, sometimes (not often) she can be so loving to me and she even admits that she hates the way she treats me but she doesn’t stop.

I can only take life one day at a time and pray that my husbands contracting position turns into a direct position and we can save enough money to move out on our own.