Still here

I don’t feel like writing very much. Life in this house is teetering on the edge of total chaos. Last night my sister finally, after so many years, took my side and told my BIL that under no circumstances was he kicking anyone out of the house. The only problem with her declaration is that she usually does things in HER best interest. Which translates to, we are able to stay as long as we are on her side. Dishonesty and self-interest runs rampant in this house, and my husband and I are walking on eggshells afraid to open our mouths to even say good morning. I had to take a full dosage of Xanax yesterday and today to stop shaking.

So, for the time being I will continue to live in this nut house and endure the constant threat of being kicked out. I did a lot of thinking last night (couldn’t sleep) and the comment I made about Karma in my post yesterday kept playing in my head. By nature I believe I am a kind person. I don’t believe I have hurt anyone maliciously or on purpose just because I could…but I’ll be brutally honest with myself and admit that I am a sinner and I have hurt people. If what I’m going through now is payment for the wrongs I’ve committed then so be it. I want to pay. I need to pay. The pain I’m suffering now is so intense and the sadness is overwhelming. If I ever (or have in the past) cause someone to feel this way I don’t deserve a good life.