What you tried to say to me

Thursday, June 30, 2005


I’m here with some pettiness again…

I worked out a schedule, which for awhile was saving me from completely breaking down or going commando on a wall with my head. I go to sleep between 7:30am to 10am and wake up around 3:30pm to 6pm. Yes, I realize these are insane hours but there is a method to my madness. By the time I would get up in the evening there would be only a few hours of making nicey nicey with my niece and sister/BIL. My niece would go to bed at 8:30pm and my sister would follow at about 11pm. Then maybe my BIL at midnight or 2am. This left me with time to myself and I could watch all my TiVo’d shows without interruptions. Plus, it’s impossible to sleep with my husband during the night because of his snoring. I was starting to get used to this lovely schedule and even though it was a bit lonely I relished the freedom. Then…school let out. Not having to get up in the morning my niece decided to stay up late and she is the dictator in this family so she made it official. My sister started letting her stay up till 10:30 every night.

This lasted several weeks. Unfortunately, it dawned on my sister that she was now “stuck” with spending even more time with her daughter because they were on the same schedule. Sly fox that my sister is, for the past week she has been sneaking off to bed about 11pm while my niece is staying up later and later. My niece doesn’t even get in bed till past midnight or 1am. My BIL realizing he is in charge of taking care of his daughter also sneaks off to bed or he goes out to the garage and fiddles with an assortment of non-existent manly “jobs”. There I sit in the living room while my niece is non-stop with her “tween” conversation and the infamous, “watch me do a back flip or hand stand” over and over and over. Like I’ve said before, I love my niece but it is so hard to be with her because of her spoiled selfish personality. Even her own parents can’t spend thirty consecutive minutes with her with out finding some excuse to get away.

I’ve thought about this situation over and over and my pettiness wins every time. I don’t want to spend time with any of them. I don’t want them in my life, to a certain extent. I want to just live out the rest of my days without dealing with them. I hate watching them enjoy life and its bounty while my husband and I suffer. I hate watching them screw up and instead of getting their due they get handed a way out of their troubles with whipped cream and a cherry on top. I’m tired of watching my husband work his butt off for the few pennies he makes while my BIL gets gifts dumped in his lap with out lifting a finger. But the worst part of all of it is watching my sister dump all her problems on me or her husband when all she has to do is stop flaking out on her responsibilities and start teaching her child discipline and how to respect others.

I feel ashamed that I envy how easy my sister’s needs are taken care of and I feel ashamed that I’m going make sure that my sister stops her new method of avoiding her daughter. You see, the pecking order for my niece is this, if mom is not around she seeks me out and if either mom or I is not around she seeks out her dad. If I make myself unavailable by sitting in my bedroom in the dark while my husband sleeps just to avoid my family I will. It’s that bad. My niece, as far as I know, would never knock on my bedroom door while my husband is sleeping, neither would my sister. With me out of the equation my niece will bother my sister and keep her from sleeping. My sister will eventually get up and try to find an escape from my niece but in reality she will be easy access for my niece who will then get the attention she wants. It won’t take long for my sister to realize that getting into bed early as an avoidance tool doesn’t work and she will be back to sleeping in late and staying up late and I can have my peace back. Now you know how devious I can be and that I more than likely deserve every nasty thing that comes my way.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

One day at a time

…Trepidation…how very insightful of me, life just got worse. Husband and I are being threatened with legal action for past financial debt. Which is very scary but the awful part of my day came after a phone call from my husband’s sister. My mother-in-law is giving up on life. I guess facing a future without her husband is too much to bear. I don’t have all the details but it’s clear that she no longer wants to participate in life. I feel so bad for her. To lose your beloved husband and live all alone with memories haunting you at every turn, how heart breaking. My husband is in shock. The last time he visited his mom she appeared to be coping but she must have been putting on a brave front for him.

I feel as though I’m suffocating. All the financial problems, the housing situation and stress from living with my nutty family, my father’s health, my health and my dear mother-in-law’s sorrow is sucking the life out of me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I can’t stop crying.

My faith tells me to keep going and believe that this time on earth is short and I must persevere and stay strong but it’s a struggle to say the least.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Tra la la

Some time ago, I happened upon a children’s show called, “The Banana Splits”. I think the show was from the 60’s or 70’s. The theme song, or at least part of it, embedded itself deep into my psyche. Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la.

At any rate, when I’m in a particularly agitated state this little ditty magically broadcasts non-stop inside my head. And, if I’m past agitated and moving on to the “losing my mind phase” I hear the music and I rock back and forth in my chair, as I’m doing write now. Well, sort of. It’s very difficult to type, rock to-and-fro while a nonsensical song is playing over and over in your head. You see, I can multi-task. The cause for my eccentric…okay, crazy behavior is listed below:

  1. BIL is harassing my sister because he didn’t like her tone of voice when he asked her a question. She does have a very rude/mean tone of voice most of the time.
  2. Sister, feeling under attack, bit back with her usual nasty sarcasm regarding his inability to stop his “addictions”. BIL, in denial about his addiction, barrels around the corner also in attack mode and asks my sister where his prescribed (he also has a stash of non-prescribed too) medicine as gone. Sister, looking very sheepish exclaims, “I only took two”.
  3. Then, the rest of the evening was like wading through a house filled with hidden land mines. If I walked away from the living room I get the BIL coming to me defensively (and very much in denial) pleading his case about how cruel my sister is and that he is not addicted. Plus, he went on and on about how she is addicted to his prescribed medicine. If I get anywhere near the living room my sister is up in arms at her husbands behavior and how immature his acts. It doesn’t matter to either of them that they are both addicted and they are both immature. I’m being sucked by a gravity pull created by them both so they can have access to me to let out all their problems. I can’t tell them the truth because, hey, I’ve already tried a million times and they aren’t willing to listen. I know I’ve talked about them so many times, you all are probably sick to death about it. In my defense, I’m living in the middle of it, so there.
  4. I want to call my Dad so badly that my heart aches but I was told by my sister that he probably won’t accept my call. Today, the doctors told my sister that he is improving slightly what ever that means. My father-in-law just passed away several months ago and I can’t help but feel my father is on the same track.
  5. The best part of my day was the conversation I had with my husband today. “I love you honey, but if you want the truth, I don’t listen to you some of the time…actually, most of the time”. This in response to the fact I asked him to pick up a sub and broccoli soup for my dinner and he didn’t get “my” soup. I tried Quiznos recently and I love the broccoli soup and I’ve only ever talked about my love for their soup a gazillion times. I also wrote my order on paper and while handing it to him remarked that I love the soup so much. When he got home I took the soup and put it in the refrigerator to save for later and he says, “Hey that’s my soup”. After much talking he finally fessed up to the fact that he doesn’t listen to me. If felt like a trillion ton anvil fell on my chest. Call me sensitive but that cut like a knife. He is my best friend and the man I love but I guess it’s only one sided.
  6. Everyday I wake up and walk into the kitchen, the same kitchen I had spotless before I went to bed the night before and there are piles of dishes in the sink and crumbs all over the counters. None of the mess is from my husband or me as we use paper plates, microwave dinners or take-out. Today was hard to take because of the hurricane like appearance of the kitchen. Several days ago I had a conversation with my sister about my health and that doing dishes for her family was starting to become a problem for me. She not so subtly let me know that she would not take over kitchen duty until she got some assurance from a doctor that I was as ill as I described.
  7. This brings me to how horrible (physically) I feel today. My throat is killing me and I have swollen glands that feel like softballs. My eyes burn so bad that it feels like a hundred needles are traveling through my eyeballs into the eye sockets. I’m having heart palpitations which always give me the willies and I feel nauseated. This on top of all my other ailments.
  8. Lastly, the insurance company still hasn’t gotten me on the policy yet and they said to try back Thursday.

I say this with much trepidation, tomorrow can only get better, right?

Monday, June 27, 2005

Can't deal

My sister and I got a call from my eldest sibling last night letting us know that the doctors are monitoring my father a bit more closely. We were told that his condition is a tad bit worse than expected.

Up, down, up, down my heart is being crushed and I’m screaming without sound.

I’m going to retreat back into my safe place inside my head; I’ll be back when I can.

Friday, June 24, 2005


BTW, I so wish "Big Brother" was on now instead of July. And I wish I had enough money to get the live feed. I know what you're thinking and I don't care, I love reality shows! And yes, TV rots the brain but when your brain is coasting on only a few cells what's the harm. ;-)

Pssst, please read my old post "Over my head" (from 6/17) and list your idea of a great radio station. Sorry I can't link you to it, I simply don't know how.

Better and Bad

For those that are interested, here is a small update regarding my world.

First, BIL has been newly employed with a large salary and many benefits. After a month or so of being unemployed, whiny, sober, brown-nosing her highness (my sister) and gushingly repentant, my BIL is back to being devious and definitely NOT sober. The wonderfully long flowery speech about hitting rock bottom and coming to terms with his addiction was only a smoke screen to keep my sister (and me too) from holding an intervention or something like it. His contrite demeanor has flown out the window and life is back to what it once was. The law suit has been long forgotten and tucked away never to be mentioned, it was a last resort as it would have put all his past indiscretions out in the open. It was a tough decision for my sister and BIL but their societal status won out, heck, he has a new job what does he need with more money.

As for me, I’m still waiting for confirmation from the insurance company that I’m on the policy. I’ve got to get medical treatment. I want my health to improve maybe even to the point that I can be more mobile. If the news is bad I can handle it, I just want less pain if possible and at the very least a diagnosis.

As for my father, the bleeding in his brain has stopped and he will be discharged from the hospital sometime next week. I’m elated. I pray that this never happens again! Also, I’ve decided I’m going to write to him. I want to try and reconnect. If he refuses my letters, at least I’ll know in my heart I’ve done all I can.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


My father has had an accident. My sister and I only found out today but evidently he has been and still is, in the hospital. His prognosis is good for which I’m thankful but there is a tiny chance for his injuries to become serious or even critical. While my father and I have never been close (that is being diplomatic), his love being conditional and mine being dormant from a lack of relationship, I feel sick. I feel I could retch at any moment and a fear that is so big has swallowed me whole. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to get weaker, sicker or lose his mental faculties. He is old, not strong like I see him in my mind. He is/was larger than life, a military man, able to take on the world. I don’t want to watch him become a broken, vessel of human flesh that my mother morphed into after cancer robbed her of the very breath I take for granted.

All day I’ve stood strong. I saw the eyes of my sister and niece well up with tears and fear and I knew I had to help them, letting them lean on me. Now I’m alone, everyone is asleep and I can’t stop shaking. The lump in my throat has grown to the size of a football field and all I can think about is how much I want to hold my dad, call him on the phone and tell him I love him. Alas, he has cut me out of his life.

How ironic, the one daughter that is prized for being beautiful, strong and has always been his favorite won’t call him because she says she is too distraught and can’t deal. Yet, the other daughter that he views as weak, spineless and “a drain on society” wants desperately to call him and speak words that soothe and give cheer.

The mad laughter is only in my head, right?

Monday, June 20, 2005

In my dreams

Now I know the test wasn't real...140 IQ...WOW!

Your IQ Is 140

Your Logical Intelligence is Genius
Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius
Your General Knowledge is Genius

Friday, June 17, 2005

Over my head

Note: I wrote this post quite awhile ago but I am still unable to figure out the "read more" feature on my blog.

...I’ve never ever in my whole life been able to listen to just one radio station. This is because I have such an eclectic (odd) taste in music. Plus, I almost always link a song to an emotion therefore some songs I can’t listen to or else I will vomit. To give you an idea of a radio station that would send me to the moon I’ve compiled a playlist. These are songs off the top of my head and just a small fraction of music near and dear to my heart. Let me know if I’ve listed any of your favorites?...

  • Al B. Sure!- Nite and Day
  • Alan Parsons Project- Old and Wise & (The System of) Dr. Tar and Professor Fether
  • Aretha Franklin- Spanish Harlem
  • Audioslave- Like a Stone
  • Avril Lavigne- I’m with you
  • Babyface- Whip Appeal
  • Beatles- Dear Prudence or anything they’ve ever sung!
  • Bill Withers- Ain’t no Sunshine
  • Bobbie Gentry- Son of a Preacher Man
  • Bond- Oceanic
  • Cake- Daria
  • Cameo- Word Up
  • Carman- A Witches Invitation
  • Collective Soul- December
  • Crazy Town- Butterfly
  • Creed- One
  • Cult, The- Edie (Ciao Baby)
  • Cure, The- Let’s Go to Bed
  • Cypress Hill- Insane in the Brain
  • David Bowie- China Girl
  • DC Talk- Jesus Freak
  • Def Leppard- Too Late for Love
  • Depeche Mode- Enjoy the Silence
  • Dio- Rainbow in the Dark
  • Duran Duran- Save a Prayer
  • Earth Wind & Fire- Boogie Wonderland
  • Elton John- Empty Garden (hey, hey Johnny)
  • Elvis Costello- Alison
  • En Vogue- Don’t Let Go (Love)
  • Enya- Caribbean Blue
  • Europe- Carrie or Final Countdown
  • Eve & Gwen- Let me Blow Ya Mind
  • Firefall- Cinderella
  • Fun Boy Three- Ghost Town
  • Gary Jules- Mad World
  • George Michael- Cowboys & Angels
  • Gorillaz- Feel Good Inc
  • Guns N’ Roses- Sweet child O’ Mine
  • Harry Nilsson- Me and my Arrow
  • Heavy D- Now that we Found Love
  • Ice Cube- It was a Good Day
  • Ina Kamoze- Here Comes the Hotstepper
  • Incubus- Drive
  • Jars of Clay- Flood
  • Judas Priest- Heading out to the Highway
  • Kate Bush- Wuthering Heights
  • Kelis- Milkshake
  • Kim Wilde- You Keep Me Hangin’ On
  • King’s X- Over my Head
  • Kiss- Almost all of their songs
  • Kraftwerk- Trans Europe Express
  • Kris Kross- Jump
  • Lenny Kravitz- Let Love Rule
  • Linkin Park- Numb
  • Lisa Loeb- Stay
  • Luciano Pavarotti- Ave Maria
  • Lynyrd Skynyrd- Saturday Night Special
  • Marcy Playground- Sex & Candy
  • Martika- Toy Soldiers
  • Mary J. Blige- Family Affair
  • Mary Jane Girls- In My House
  • Mary Mary- Shackles (Praise Ya)
  • Metallica- Enter Sandman
  • Michael W. Smith- Agnus Dei
  • Michel’le- No More Lies
  • Missy Elliott- Get Ur Freak On
  • Mya- Case of the Ex
  • Nirvana- Heart-shaped Box
  • No Doubt- Hey Baby
  • Outlaws- You are the Show
  • P.O.D.- Youth of the Nation
  • Petra- Prayer
  • Pink- There you go
  • Poe- Haunted
  • Procol Harum- Conquistador
  • Psychedelic Furs- Love my Way
  • Puddle of Mudd- Blurry
  • Quad City DJ’s- C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train)
  • Queen- Who Wants to Live Forever
  • Queensryche- Eyes of a Stranger
  • Radiohead- Creep
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers- Give it Away
  • Rickie Lee Jones- On Saturday Afternoons in 1963
  • Robbie Williams- Millennium
  • Robyn- Do you Know (What it Takes)
  • Rolling Stones- Waiting on a Friend
  • Samantha Mumba- Gotta Tell Ya
  • Scorpions- Still Loving You
  • Sneaker Pimps- Six Underground
  • Soft Cell- Tainted Love
  • Sonique- It Feels so Good
  • Soul II Soul- Back to Life
  • Split Enz- Dirty Creature
  • Squeeze- Black Coffee in Bed
  • Stevie Wonder- Superstition
  • Supertramp- School
  • Susan Ashton- Started as a Whisper
  • Tangerine Dream- Loved by the Sun
  • Ted Nugent- Hey Baby
  • Terence Trent D’Arby- Sign Your Name
  • Tesla- Modern Day Cowboy
  • The Dazz Band- Let it Whip
  • The Zombies- Time of the Season
  • Third Eye Blind- Semi-charmed Kind of Life
  • TLC- Waterfalls
  • Toto- Georgy Porgy
  • Ultravox- Passing Strangers
  • Usher- Yeah!
  • Verve Pipe- The Freshman
  • White Lion- When the Children Cry
  • White Town- Your Woman
  • Whitesnake- Still of the Night


As most of you know I am sick. I haven’t really divulged my illnesses. I’m afraid people I know (in person) would connect me with my “main” illness because of the rarity of the disease. Actually, I’ve just recently discovered the disease is not as rare as once believed. Anyway, I’ve been very ill the past two years and as the days march on I seem to slowly fade. Half the time I spend hours researching my symptoms online the other half I’m in denial. In denial because every symptom leads me to believe that I have a terminal illness called pulmonary hypertension. The PH could be an offshoot of my original disease so the deck is stacked against me. I could be wrong but I’m trying to be realistic.

Basically, I need to have several expensive tests done to make a proper diagnosis and the medical insurance I have now is a supplemental type of accident insurance that has a very stiff “pre-existing” medical condition clause. A big part of my dilemma is that I could see a different doctor, lie to this doctor and the insurance company by stating I haven’t seen a doctor in the last 12 months and get the tests done. Morally, the lying is not acceptable to me but if I’m correct this illness is going to rob me of any future I have and I want to know how much time I have left. Another obstacle is if I go ahead and get the tests done I still have to pay 20% of the cost of each test of which I don’t have. Say I get the testing, get worse and pass away, then my husband is left with more debt added to our huge ever growing pile of bills. The only reason I would even consider being this deceitful (insurance) is because I’m losing my mind. If I was more articulate maybe I could help you understand how desperate I am to be well. To be able to get up out of this chair and have a life; to walk more than ten feet without breathing so laboriously; to get a job and help my husband pay off our debts; to simply be apart of the world, would be so amazing.

Furthermore, I found out that the insurance company has screwed up and I’m not in their database. We are waiting to hear from them and assurance that I’m back in the database. No word yet.

Along with this death threat hanging over my head life at my sister’s house is unbearable, and I’m just not mentally stable enough to deal with all the dysfunction. I feel so drained. Even writing this short post has made me tired.

Thanks for all the love and prayers!

UPDATE: The insurance company re-added me to the plan but it will be ten days before I can use any benefits.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Facing the truth

I’ve been away for a few reasons. First, when “They” got back from their vacation my BIL made sure I wasn’t able to access the net for awhile. Second, I’m facing something very serious in my life and I’m struggling to wrap my mind around it. I can’t give details because I haven’t gotten an affirmation yet but I’m scared, really scared.

There are so many kind people in my life. I’ve received many emails and some lovely comments on my blog and I treasure every word written but I can’t find the strength to write back. Emotionally, I’m very weak and I can’t seem to get a handle on my fear. I will update my blog as soon as I can. In the meantime, thank you so much for all the support.

Also, I read all your blogs and all of you are in my thoughts and prayers too.

Love, Maryrose

Monday, June 06, 2005

Not much to say

Kind person
Your wise quote is: "Be kind to unkind people,
they probably need it the most" by
Ashleigh Brilliant.
You try to look beyond apperance, try to give
people second chances and are probably very
kind. Understanding is your biggest personality
trait, and thoose you can see through should be
grateful. If they aren't already. You detest
narrow minded people, because they can't see
what's really there. Facades is not your thing
and you strive to always be who you really are.

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, June 05, 2005

A little enlightenment

Three and a half days into the tranquility of my “home aloneness” I have a revelation. First, the fore-gone conclusion that my family and their problems are almost ninety percent the cause of my extreme depression and lack of contentment is not true. Secondly, the guilt I suffer for perceiving them to be at fault adds to my depression. The truth is simply this; I am no longer functioning on the same level as before. My health is such that I am a couch potato to the tenth power. The basic needs required to be a part of the world are barely being met on my part. My daily life consists of sleeping, eating, cleaning the kitchen, TV watching and computer/Internet usage. I even consider myself an invalid. The minute I am on my feet doing any activity I become winded. So I spend most of my day sitting. The topic of my health is the proverbial “pink elephant” of any conversation. I’ll say this much, I’ve been to several doctors and none of them can agree, or without further testing, give me a proper diagnosis. To make matters worse I have more than one physical illness along with the somewhat recently diagnosed depression with a side dish of agoraphobia.

What all this boils down to is that I was once a VERY active, independent person and now…I sit, do nothing all day while my husband takes on the domestic chores that used to be mine. As I stated before, three and a half days into my family members being gone I realized that what I thought was my anger/sadness/frustration/hurt at my sister, BIL and niece is really my deep and complete bondage to illness.

Unlike my unmotivated sister and BIL, I like activity. I enjoy moving about, cleaning and just being productive. In fact, one my favorite chores is cleaning the bathroom, especially scrubbing the bathtub with Comet. When I was able to hold down a job I was quite the workaholic. I’m even frustrated now because I’m unable to really articulate how I feel and if I have to live like this for the rest of my life I certainly don’t want to live one more day in my sister’s house. On the other hand, even though my family members are total whack jobs; they don’t deserve to be blamed for all my problems.

Having to ask for help is humbling and each plea eats away at my soul. Even a meal is torment for me. It’s been over two years since I cooked a real or healthy meal. Most nights I can barely deal with Hamburger Helper or TV dinners. I sometimes just don’t eat dinner because I’m too tired to fix something for my husband and myself and I know how my husband hates to stop for fast-food.

In any case, at least I know the truth about myself, which is, my depression once thought to be aggravated only by my family is in fact just a deep sadness at my loss of mobility. There is so much more that I don’t write about on this blog. I usually just write about what sets my butt on fire at the moment but I omit other subjects that keep my brain spinning because they are too personal or someone could identify me and I don’t want to lose my anonymity.

To my friends and Internet lurkers, thanks for listening.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Wasting away...

Today is a gift. At approximately 1pm today my sister, BIL and niece will be leaving for their eight-day vacation. I should be upset that the vacation was shortened to a week instead of two but I’m just so…so happy they are going.

The past month has been so intense and having my niece out of school and of course my BIL not working has caused so much tension and flare-ups that even my niece noticed. She had a huge tantrum/fit/breakdown several days ago that scared even her parents. Do they change their behaviors and seek help for their daughter, nope.

Stop…no more about “them” this week is about me and my husband. Sis, BIL and niece will be changing their latitude, I’ll be changing my attitude and bring out the Jimmy Buffet music! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


As a parting gift to my husband and me, my BIL once again sabotaged the DSL network and I wasn’t able to get on the net for several hours. My husband fixed it but it’s just the thought that as my BIL walked out the door to leave for his vacation he tells me that he loves me and for me to take care. All the while he knew what he had done. He must really hate himself to act in such a manner.

BUT, he is gone and he can’t take away the joy I’m feeling (or the peace). You failed dumbass.