Tired

As most of you know I am sick. I haven’t really divulged my illnesses. I’m afraid people I know (in person) would connect me with my “main” illness because of the rarity of the disease. Actually, I’ve just recently discovered the disease is not as rare as once believed. Anyway, I’ve been very ill the past two years and as the days march on I seem to slowly fade. Half the time I spend hours researching my symptoms online the other half I’m in denial. In denial because every symptom leads me to believe that I have a terminal illness called pulmonary hypertension. The PH could be an offshoot of my original disease so the deck is stacked against me. I could be wrong but I’m trying to be realistic.

Basically, I need to have several expensive tests done to make a proper diagnosis and the medical insurance I have now is a supplemental type of accident insurance that has a very stiff “pre-existing” medical condition clause. A big part of my dilemma is that I could see a different doctor, lie to this doctor and the insurance company by stating I haven’t seen a doctor in the last 12 months and get the tests done. Morally, the lying is not acceptable to me but if I’m correct this illness is going to rob me of any future I have and I want to know how much time I have left. Another obstacle is if I go ahead and get the tests done I still have to pay 20% of the cost of each test of which I don’t have. Say I get the testing, get worse and pass away, then my husband is left with more debt added to our huge ever growing pile of bills. The only reason I would even consider being this deceitful (insurance) is because I’m losing my mind. If I was more articulate maybe I could help you understand how desperate I am to be well. To be able to get up out of this chair and have a life; to walk more than ten feet without breathing so laboriously; to get a job and help my husband pay off our debts; to simply be apart of the world, would be so amazing.

Furthermore, I found out that the insurance company has screwed up and I’m not in their database. We are waiting to hear from them and assurance that I’m back in the database. No word yet.

Along with this death threat hanging over my head life at my sister’s house is unbearable, and I’m just not mentally stable enough to deal with all the dysfunction. I feel so drained. Even writing this short post has made me tired.

Thanks for all the love and prayers!

UPDATE: The insurance company re-added me to the plan but it will be ten days before I can use any benefits.