What you tried to say to me

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Raging again

I live in a household of four adults and one almost teenager. One adult, my husband, is the only one in the household with a full time job. My BIL is not working; my sister does absolutely NOTHING all day everyday, except for laundry for her family. As I’ve said before, my husband and I pay my sister and BIL’s house payment with the added job of cleaning one bathroom (by my husband) and the added job of me doing ALL the dishes for the WHOLE household EVERYDAY. Most readers know that I am very ill and simply doing the dishes, taking a shower and cleaning my cats litter box on a daily basis takes what little energy I have. I don’t want to belittle the fact that my sister has allowed us to live in her home for the last two years but sometimes I feel that she has gotten the better end of the bargain.

Meanwhile, my sister and BIL are both in good health. They choose to spend their days doing this:

BIL wakes up plays video games most of the morning taking cigarette/coffee breaks outside on the front porch. When my niece wakes up, usually 11:30am since school let out for summer, she will bug her father until he quits playing his video games so she can have the TV to herself. Just a reminder…she has a full TV/DVD/TiVo/CD player/phone/computer system setup in her room. My BIL will then get her a bowl of cereal because she complains to him that she is too lazy to get it herself. He then wanders off to the porch again smoking cigarettes and talking to various people on the phone. He comes back inside long enough to get bothered by his daughter while she tries to engage him in conversation about her interests. At the moment her only interest is the Disney channel and that’s it. Oh wait, and she also likes making video’s of herself and then playing them back over and over and over whilst saying, “Daddy watch me do this, or watch me say this, or watch me sing this” as if he hasn’t seen it a gazillion times already. At noon or even as late as 1pm my sister wakes up and ambles her way into the kitchen getting her coffee and going out to the porch to smoke cigarettes. Next, my BIL sits at his computer puts on his headphones and disengages from everyone and everything. After her cigarette my sister sits on the living room couch and my niece pounces on her for attention. My sister very grumpily states that, “Mommy needs time to wake up, please leave me alone for awhile” and if by magic the phone rings, the caller being one of my sisters three “friends”. Sister then walks onto the porch again talking on the phone for about thirty minutes. The next few hours it’s a game of what I call, “Avoidance”. I watch my sister and BIL try desperately to avoid my niece as she demands attention. Each parent tries to sneak away at various intervals to spend as much time away from my niece as possible.

By dinner time, my sister, BIL and niece have eaten only cereal or junk food. My sister refuses to cook a well-balanced meal for her husband since he got fired from his job and on the few occasions that she does grocery shop (she makes my BIL do the grocery shopping) she gets him TV dinners. For my niece she usually offers to cook her macaroni and cheese or soup and then even tries to coerce my niece into cooking the soup herself. Very rarely does my sister actually cook a “real” meal but surprisingly enough all three of them dirty a huge amount of dishes.

So, after they’ve all eaten dinner the rest of the evening my sister tries to find something on TV to keep my niece occupied, although this usually fails and the rest of the night it’s back to trying to avoid my niece for as long as possible. I will give my BIL some credit; he spends quality time with my niece and tries to get her motivated to learn or show interest in something other than Disney shows. I also give credit to my BIL for doing more cleaning than my sister. He will vacuum once a week (but only the carpet that is not covered); he has mown the lawn three times the past six months. He will generally do what ever cleaning my sister tells him to do but he makes no attempt to get the job done well.

Later, around 10pm to 11pm my sister spends this hour repeatedly telling my niece to get ready for bed. Then, my sister picks which television show or rented movie she wants to watch and we all have to be ultra quiet while she enjoys her movie. During the movie my sister has to set it on pause several times to either smoke a cigarette, talk on the phone or put her daughter back to bed because she has gotten out of bed several times using any excuse she can find. My favorite excuse she used recently is that she doesn’t like the way the sheets feel on her skin. By the time all is settled and my sister’s movie/show is over it’s about midnight. She will then go to her room, watch more TV and take her sleeping pill. Once asleep she will sleep all night and wake up the next day at either noon or 1pm. This daily pattern generally never changes except for the occasional going out to eat dinner or a shopping trip with my niece to the mall.

My BIL hates this daily routine and hates how his relationship with his wife and daughter is so strained. He is getting some real counseling for his addictions and mental issues. In comparison, my BIL’s addictions are causing about as much trouble (in the marriage) as my sister’s mental issues but he is the only one willing to change, compromise and give my sister support, she on the other hand wants only to hide her head in the sand and have the drudgery of life taken care of for her by everyone in the house.

All this delving into personal family matters brings me to the last two days. I have been having severe breathing problems. I’ve made mention of this to my family members, not that it isn’t obvious as my breathing is a bit labored and loud. Two nights ago I went to bed unusually early and my niece looked at me oddly when I mentioned that I was going to bed because I was feeling poorly. The next day my sister spoke to me privately about my niece’s fear for my health. I was told to stop complaining about any ailments and try to look cheerful for my niece. At first I was very upset that my illness had such an effect on my niece and I felt horrible that I wasn’t trying to be more considerate of her feelings and youth. I don’t enjoy giving anyone I love something to worry about so I spent most of my time in my room to lesson my niece’s concern.

Needless to say the dishes have not been taken care of for two days. I really really have no energy or stamina to tackle that job, thus the kitchen is a major mess. To my surprise as we were all congregating in the living room my niece blurts out with major attitude, “You better get busy and get the kitchen cleaned up soon”. My sister chuckled and I couldn’t speak. As a child I was taught never to speak to my elders, especially a family member, in such an insolent manner. Does my sister reprimand her? No, she simply laughs.

I know this is my anger speaking but I refuse to clean the kitchen. I should show a more Christian attitude and clean up the mess but I’m so tired of watching my sister and niece sit on their rumps all day everyday while I clean up after them and pay their rent. I also know there are going to be some pretty angry people in this house when they get up today and see the kitchen left the way it was when they went to bed last night. Maybe it isn’t my anger; maybe I’m just too tired and sick.

I’m going to get some rest now…I pray someone in this deranged household does the dishes for me or I’m gonna have speak my mind.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Discount stores

There are two things taking up space in my dusty brain at the moment. Well, two that I’m willing to discuss.

First, I get the feeling that the people reading my blog are not Big Brother fans as I’ve received no comments regarding my last post. I said, “Humor me” in my last post but evidently my plea has gone unheeded. :-(

Second, the Mart that starts with a “K”…SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on you! Your new commercials revolving around camping and tents are not amusing…in the least. I have a serious phobia of spiders (I have trouble even typing the word) and your commercial uses one larger than my own hand. If you think your Ads will entice people to purchase more tents or camping gear after seeing that monstrous arachnid I tend to doubt the logic. ALL of my family and friends are now against the idea of camping this summer.

And yes, I realize the world doesn’t revolve around me and it’s your company and you have the privilege of advertising as you see fit but why run the commercial five times in one hour? My niece counted how many times she saw the Ad yesterday as she watched TV off and on throughout the day and the total was TEN commercials within a period of three hours. Could you tone it down a bit…please…?

***After writing this post I checked my emails and found that I did in fact receive a comment about Big Brother by guppyman and for that I am very grateful.

In response, I’d like to say that Kaysar may not have played the game as well as some but visually speaking he is easy on my eyes. Sorry guppyman but I can be very superficial at times. As for Ivette, I guess I never really thought about her that much. She appears to be genuinely nice but I can’t remember her that well. Hey, you vote for one of my picks and I’ll vote for Ivette, how about that? Thanks for the comment! :~)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

A favor please?

Humor me. I love Big Brother, and I have the chance to vote for 6 of my favorite past house guests. This also means that you dear Internet friends have the same opportunity to vote. If you are so inclined, please help me in my quest to vote for the people I think deserve a second chance. These are my picks (in no particular order):

  • Diane
  • Howie
  • Janelle
  • Kaysar
  • Nakomis (Jennifer)
  • Will

Click here for the link to the CBS website to vote.

For all you other wonderful Big Brother (All-Star) fans out there and me being the nosey interested person that I am, let me know who you are voting for.

P.S. I know Will won before but he's...such a cute instigator!

Friday, June 16, 2006

Sorrowful laughter

I am humbled, brought down to my lowest level and just so….defeated.

Yesterday, my husband came home from work with a small gift for me. I was so excited as he handed me the shopping bag. The Big Lug (husband) was smiling and looked so proud of himself. I opened the bag and to my utter horror what did I find? Two plastic “weekly” pill organizers!! My husband very happily explained that he worries about my memory and if I’m taking all my meds at the correct times. To him, he has done something sweet and thoughtful and in reality it truly was but to me it just felt like another slap in the face…a reminder of my lost youth and the dark cloud of illness that hangs over my head.

But…after much thought, I started to laugh and laugh. Who cares if I’m losing my mind, at least all my meds will be accounted for and I have a caring husband. ;~)

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Got Game?

I’ve become reacquainted with my old Nintendo 64 game, “Banjo Kazooie”, thus, my lack of posts. Ahhh, life’s simple pleasures! :~)

I also saved up enough money for my pulmonary functions test and it’s over and done with as of today. Whew, feeling a little relieved and a little light headed… “Take a deep breath, hold, hold, hold, hold, now breath out REALLY HARD”… “Breath in, breath out, breath in breath out…hold, hold, hold, hold…” so on and so forth for about forty minutes. I’m exhausted just from the test. I’m not sure when I’ll be notified of the results but I’m praying for some indication or direction towards a label/cure for my breathing ailment.

In other news, CONGRATULATIONS Dawn Marie on the birth of your beautiful baby girl! I’m so happy for you and your family.

A very generous THANK YOU to those who have recently left me comments:













Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Much better

That was a tough one; my head was in a really scary place. Thank you all so much for your concern and wonderful advice. Your comments and emails were incredibly comforting. Each and every one of you Internet friends has left an indelible mark on my heart. It’s hard for me to process the love, caring and kindness that is showered on me daily but the joy you all bring me bursts through the dungeon to which I’ve locked myself into and I’m so grateful.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


Because of a mix up with my pharmacy I’ve been two days without my anti-depressants.

This is a serious message for all who are following any kind of medicinal regimen.

Please be careful…be very careful about following your doctors orders. I’ve only been two days, that’s only 48 hours without my meds and I already feel a cold steely darkness trickling down into my mind, heart and soul. I feel that old and oddly comforting intent…the craving for death. I’ve asked my husband to keep a keen eye on my behavior and to never let me be alone.

I sit here writing this post and I’m utterly emotionless. I have no desire to eat or drink and for once my mind is almost blank. I should be terrified but I feel nothing.

Thank you Lord for watching over me and thank you for a husband that loves me enough, even though we have more bad times than good.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Silly girl

Upon waking, my usual routine is to start coffee brewing and gauge the stress levels of all house mates awake at the same time. I was in for a real treat today because my sister and niece were out (errands) and my BIL was at an appointment. After setting up the coffee-maker I began emptying the dishwasher. The first few hours of my wake-up routine I’m pretty much a zombie. Well…it’s more like being aware of my surroundings but just not imbued with the energetic perkiness that I enjoyed before my illness sapped the life out of me. So, the more cognizant my brain became the more I started to sense something was off. I kept hearing a very soft moaning/groaning sound. The hairs on the back of my neck actually stood at attention. I stopped putting away the clean dishes to listen but heard nothing. I walked out of the kitchen passing the counter with the coffee-maker when suddenly a hideously loud wailing sound along with terrifying dying gasps made me jump and scream like a little girlie girl. To my relief and astonishment I realized the sounds were coming from the coffee-maker. Still shaking but laughing nonetheless I imagined how funny this would have appeared if I saw the whole thing happening to someone else. Although, it’s easy to laugh but the sounds were really very authentic and spooky.

I guess I can now add to my list of “Spastic Moments” the time I was brought to my knees with fear from a little old coffee-maker. Sheesh, I’m such a goof-ball.