What you tried to say to me

Thursday, March 30, 2006


Dear friends, world and blogging buddies I need some input. First, I’m not sure if my dilemma is a type of blogging disorder or it’s just my mental instability. The problem is that I’ve basically stopped reading or commenting on blogs. I do spend time at Blog Explosion and Blogmad but I rarely comment on others blogs. I went through a similar difficulty such as this awhile back but this time around I feel so detached from everyone.

There are so many wonderful…really wonderful and inspiring blogs that I used to read and enjoy but now I get panicky at the mere thought of eyeing my list of bookmarked blogs. I read your comments on my blog and I hang on every word but I’m so ashamed that I don’t reciprocate. Also, I have no trouble with thinking of things to write about on my own blog but I don’t because I’m afraid that more people will comment and think I’m disrespectful for not reading their blogs in return.

Maybe I’m falling deeper into my madness or maybe my energy is waning, what ever. Please know that I’m deeply sorry for my lack of attention. I read your words to me and I’m in awe of the love and loyalty you show me, I feel so undeserving. I think about each and every one of you and you are always in my prayers but I can’t seem to communicate. At times I feel like such a failure, who am I kidding almost all the time I feel like a complete failure.

If it helps, know that I am fighting, desperately fighting to be a better person (saner too). One day, maybe I’ll be worthy of the love and kindness that has been extended to me.

I also have another problem infecting my thoughts. A few days ago, I happened upon a blog that simply put me into a tailspin. There were several pictures of a woman and a small cat. Loving animals the way I do I casually turned my attention to the pictures. At first, the intent of the unfolding story didn’t hit me. By the last snapshot I was so horrified I have been unable to speak for days. I was and still am a bit in shock. Frame by frame leads up to a woman stepping on a cats head crushing it to death along with her very high heel plunging into the poor cat’s eye. I’m praying this was a sick sadistic joke made with computer magic and the pictures were fakes. But, the pictures looked incredibly real and I actually vomited. And yes, I know I’m ultra sensitive but sheesh, there are three things that are very sacred to me and must be kept safe: children, the elderly and animals.

That’s it for me tonight folks. I’m still upset and need to find something beautiful and positive to replace the evil that has stained my mind.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Green versus Pink

Thanks for all the wonderful comments everyone. :-) I'm feeling a bit better and will start answering emails later today.

About the template change...please let me know if the green is better than the pink?

Thanks again!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

All boxed

I’m suffering from another bout of severe depression. I’ve been taking my meds per doctor’s orders, yet every once in a while I find myself stuck in a vortex of emotion and I feel detached from anything and everything. These words merely touch the tip of how I really feel. Imagine you are inside a flexible clear box. The box moves when you move. Everything outside the box is normal but you inside the box are nothing but a mass of hormones on LSD. If I try to talk to people I end up crying. Not from something said but for no apparent reason. Mentally or physically I feel ill equipped to handle even the smallest of tasks. During these phases, my past is way too painful to ponder, my future is nonexistent and my present is so intolerable that I simply unplug.

At any rate, these dark episodes never last and I eventually regain my equilibrium. The only reason I share this with anyone is not for pity but to let you know that I haven’t given up blogging, I’m waiting till I’m not so…scattered (*cough* nuts).

Actually, there’s nothing really new in my life to write about. My sister is still in her own world, not willing to deal with problems let alone her husbands. Her diet pill addiction has ceased (for the moment) but her shopping addiction is in full swing. I can’t believe she actually thinks my husband and I don’t notice her hiding shopping bags or that we don’t notice all the new stuff that suddenly appears around the house. ACK.

My BIL is still in denial about his misdeeds and the consequences that have sprung from said misdeeds. His court hearing led to nothing as yet, the evidence against him is being investigated. There is a discrepancy on the part of the prosecutors which in reality is the truth but it still doesn’t negate the fact that he committed a crime. In the beginning, I used to be angry at him for what he’s done to my sister, himself and others but now I just feel sorry for him. I try not to judge him…I’ve made horrible mistakes too. I’m no better than him but I don’t lie about my sins and act like I’m just a sad little puppy that’s lost his way. At least, since all the legal matters are being resolved he hasn’t indulged in his addiction. Or should I say one of his addictions.

My husband is faring okay but still in the agonizing throes of changing his eating habits. Praise the Lord he still has his job. It is hard to believe he has contracted with this company for almost two years. We are very blessed.

I’ll return with more news later. :-)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Gone fishing?

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’m in the middle of putting out fires, holding onto my sanity and keeping my sister from doing something stupid.

Love to all. :-)

Monday, March 13, 2006

More comment responses

Jill-- I certainly can relate. In the beginning of my marriage I enjoyed moving from state to state while my husband “contracted” but after many set backs and illnesses all I want now is to own a small home and never have to move again.

How very kind of you to respond to my post and I truly hope many blessings come your way. Thanks Jill!

Dawn Marie-- I love cats! I adore dogs too but I grew up with many cats and only one dog. They both have a sense about their care-takers and I find it sad that some people don’t have that same kind of bond with their pets.

Corry-- It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day, I had been prioritizing my will before Gods. The past few years I’ve been trying to deal with my illness, money troubles and the unhealthy relationships between my family members and I lost sight of my true goal. I try to control my life so much that I become obsessed with wanting to organize every second of my day or even week. Funny, it was after reading your blog and Pia’s that it dawned on me how caught up I was in pushing God out of my life.

And Corry, please don’t waste a single tear for me. Nothing I’ve been through or will go through will keep me down for too long. I may whine and vent via my blog but comparatively speaking my life is a breeze. The day to day suffering of so many millions of people, especially children, is much more than what I go through. You are such a gift to me. I’ve learned many lessons from your love and kindness and the thought of you possibly shedding a tear for me…well…please don’t, I will be fine.

Dr. John-- I bet your mother-in-law sat up nights coaching her cat to hiss at you, lol. I understand some people don’t relate well with cats. I’m sorry you’ve missed out on that type of soothing interaction but I’m sure you’ve found other ways to feel that type of love. Thanks for helping me to smile.

Pia-- You are wise beyond your years. Every comment you leave, is like a ray of sunshine. Thanks for all the “hugs” and prayers, they are very comforting. :-)

Vineet-- Wow, I never looked at my situation in that way. While I’m definitely not a financial expert (Duh!), I would love to help anyone I can with the knowledge I gain from the experience. Thank you for the idea and for your offer of help with my blog!

Erin-- Unfortunately, my husband and I don’t qualify for section-8. It’s not that we can’t afford to pay rent, it’s just that our credit so bad that any place that would even consider renting to us are demanding triple deposits fees. Plus, the one thing I want more than getting out of this house is having enough money to buy a house whether mobile/manufactured or a small home. Once I leave I don’t want to ever come back.

Thanks for the information about AOD. Your comment really soothed my frazzled nerves. And it’s odd that you mentioned my husband should eat small frequent snacks because he eats the exact opposite. He rarely eats until dinner and then he over does it. Thankfully, he has never been much of a “sweets” eater. He rarely eats dessert, he eats mostly meats and vegetables.

Thanks again Erin, you are a very thoughtful and informative blogger friend!

Shellie-- It’s wonderful to “meet” you! Thank you for your prayers, your “hugs” and the comforting comment. :-)

Mrs. Darling-- You never cease to amaze me! Thank you for dropping by and keeping me in your thoughts. :-)

Survivin-- I’m feeling ultra guilty! You are so kind and very busy yet you take time to leave me a comment. Thank you so much!

BTW, I love your new house…I’m a bit jealous. ;-) I’ll keep you in my prayers also.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Trying to be

Whether I am labeled, candy-ass (my father), fragile/weak (sister) or mentally challenged (my perception of how the world sees me) I’m learning each day what I am made of. I’ve always wanted to be “That girl”, the one that saves the day, over-comes all odds and brings joy to all who knows her but instead I’m the “Girl Interrupted”. I’m fighting for my life but oh so ungracefully. I put my foot in my mouth every chance I get and wonder constantly why anyone on earth could possibly love me. I’m the proverbial black sheep of the family or pink elephant in the middle of the room. Okay, I’ll stop, you get my point. What I’m trying to say is that the past week I’ve suffered a series of mini nervous breakdowns and I’m back to doubting myself again. Just when I thought I was on the road to well-ness (mentally) I feel even more frozen in fear. I’ve compiled a list of the past week events and maybe some kind soul can give me some advice:

  • My husband was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes (I thought this was a disease only obese people got, boy was I misinformed).
  • Every week, heck, everyday I deal with two major diseases and at times the pain wipes away any tiny bit of energy I have. From a neurological standpoint, I sometimes even have trouble getting my thoughts put into words and I stumble over my words and I end up sounding like a complete idiot.
  • Our savings has gone to car repairs and other miscellaneous bills. This means my husband and I can’t move out of my sister’s house probably for another two years if ever.
  • My sister fluctuates between anorexia and an addiction to a drug that she is willing to steal if need be.
  • My BIL has a court hearing next week and the outcome could possibly mean jail-time, probation, exorbitant legal fees, the loss of a license that enables him to make a very lucrative living or no legal consequences at all.
  • Both my BIL and sister have NO coping skills and with all the stress bombarding them they are making everyone miserable. Really really really miserable.
  • I caught my sister in two major lies, although she doesn’t know I know. She is a master at manipulating but more so with lying. Of all things, she knows she can trust me and I’ve been there for her every time she’s needed me and yet she still lies to me. It hurts my heart.
  • Last Wednesday I couldn’t handle the stress of my sister and BIL’s craziness combined with my lack of independence (when it comes to doing simple daily chores) so I did some light cleaning and my body is still trying to repair the damage my cleaning stint caused. Every muscle, joint and even my skin aches and I feel shooting pains in my upper back and neck. The one activity I use to thoroughly enjoy before I became ill was cleaning and even that is taken from me.
  • Chemicals, perfume, shampoos, lotions, cigarette smoke even the dye in newspapers sucks the air right out of my lungs. I can be in my bedroom on the other side of the house and if my sister sprays Pam to grease a frying pan I can smell it! What the heck is that all about? There is a certain drink (that shall remain nameless) in a green and black can that for some odd reason can put me in tears. When my niece or BIL drinks it and I smell it, it feels like someone is vacuuming the air directly from my lungs. My BIL thought I was lying so he tried to trick me by pouring the drink in a coffee mug and walk around the living room drinking from the mug. The minute he walked into the room I couldn’t breathe and he was flabbergasted that I knew/smelt the drink that instantaneously.
  • The more my BIL falls apart my sister becomes more helpless. She can’t stand it when someone else is troubled/sick/sad/depressed more than she is. She craves attention and she will do extreme things to get attention…okay…the real deal is that both my sister and BIL are nut cases, even more so than me. Living with them has been difficult and I’m always in freak mode waiting for the next shoe to drop.
  • My two dearest friends that I’ve known for eons live in Florida and I never get to see them. Our lives have taken separate directions and even though we still communicate via phone and emails, not sharing in their daily lives leaves me feeling very lonely.

Most of my days are spent trying to relieve pain or get comfortable, be the least dependant on those around as I can, help my family members any way I can and strengthen my relationship with God. I’m not a fan of organized religion and I don’t attend church services but I do have an unbreakable believe in God and Jesus and thankfully this part of my life gives me great joy. My little world is normally in shambles on a daily basis but my trust and love for God never falters. I guess you could say that half my life is spent in misery and the other half in ecstasy. What I envisioned my life from early adulthood, middle age to old age is so far from reality and I’m trying to reconcile the two. I’m trying to be what God wants me to be and therein lies the struggle. My will, free will and His will, it’s a bit overwhelming.

There is more that I’d like to write but I’m out of energy. Thanks for listening.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Part II (from yesterday)

I sat in my room, fuming, wondering when my husband and I would ever get respite from our financial burdens (among other burdens too). As I sat upright on my bed, legs extended out and my computer on my lap I noticed something tugging at my brain. Or, shall I say pressing on my feet. My adorable, beautiful, she-devil of a cat had found her way onto the bed, planted her little body at the end of the bed with her soft-padded feet touching my feet. Over a period of time she had been very gently pushing her back paws against my feet and because of my intense anger it took me awhile to notice her. I don’t know what she was trying to accomplish, maybe love pats of a sort, but it worked because she actually made me smile. Her sweet little paws gently pushing against my feet periodically for over an hour was her way of letting me know that she was there waiting on me for what ever I needed. I put my computer down and just sat and watched her and my heart felt some relief. She is a beautiful creature with large green eyes and I am so thankful to have her in my life.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Pin pricks and nerve endings

Our meager savings that took two years to build is gone.

Unexpected car problems totaling over $2,200 dollars, part of my medical bills and a few other financial burdens morphed into a gigantic money eating blob and now my husband and I have nothing. I’m in shock. It feels like my body is continuing to move but my mind has gone completely numb.

I know life is difficult, I know I have to be strong and that crap happens but a few days ago I went to bed comforted by the thought that eventually I would be moving out of my sister’s house. Today, I woke up to a dream that may never be realized. I don’t want to be nice about it. I want to be angry, sad and angry again!

But, this attitude will only drain me even more, so after the shock wears off I need to pick my self up and thank the Lord for all his many Blessings.