Trying to be

Whether I am labeled, candy-ass (my father), fragile/weak (sister) or mentally challenged (my perception of how the world sees me) I’m learning each day what I am made of. I’ve always wanted to be “That girl”, the one that saves the day, over-comes all odds and brings joy to all who knows her but instead I’m the “Girl Interrupted”. I’m fighting for my life but oh so ungracefully. I put my foot in my mouth every chance I get and wonder constantly why anyone on earth could possibly love me. I’m the proverbial black sheep of the family or pink elephant in the middle of the room. Okay, I’ll stop, you get my point. What I’m trying to say is that the past week I’ve suffered a series of mini nervous breakdowns and I’m back to doubting myself again. Just when I thought I was on the road to well-ness (mentally) I feel even more frozen in fear. I’ve compiled a list of the past week events and maybe some kind soul can give me some advice:

• My husband was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes (I thought this was a disease only obese people got, boy was I misinformed).
• Every week, heck, everyday I deal with two major diseases and at times the pain wipes away any tiny bit of energy I have. From a neurological standpoint, I sometimes even have trouble getting my thoughts put into words and I stumble over my words and I end up sounding like a complete idiot.
• Our savings has gone to car repairs and other miscellaneous bills. This means my husband and I can’t move out of my sister’s house probably for another two years if ever.
• My sister fluctuates between anorexia and an addiction to a drug that she is willing to steal if need be.
• My BIL has a court hearing next week and the outcome could possibly mean jail-time, probation, exorbitant legal fees, the loss of a license that enables him to make a very lucrative living or no legal consequences at all.
• Both my BIL and sister have NO coping skills and with all the stress bombarding them they are making everyone miserable. Really really really miserable.
• I caught my sister in two major lies, although she doesn’t know I know. She is a master at manipulating but more so with lying. Of all things, she knows she can trust me and I’ve been there for her every time she’s needed me and yet she still lies to me. It hurts my heart.
• Last Wednesday I couldn’t handle the stress of my sister and BIL’s craziness combined with my lack of independence (when it comes to doing simple daily chores) so I did some light cleaning and my body is still trying to repair the damage my cleaning stint caused. Every muscle, joint and even my skin aches and I feel shooting pains in my upper back and neck. The one activity I use to thoroughly enjoy before I became ill was cleaning and even that is taken from me.
• Chemicals, perfume, shampoos, lotions, cigarette smoke even the dye in newspapers sucks the air right out of my lungs. I can be in my bedroom on the other side of the house and if my sister sprays Pam to grease a frying pan I can smell it! What the heck is that all about? There is a certain drink (that shall remain nameless) in a green and black can that for some odd reason can put me in tears. When my niece or BIL drinks it and I smell it, it feels like someone is vacuuming the air directly from my lungs. My BIL thought I was lying so he tried to trick me by pouring the drink in a coffee mug and walk around the living room drinking from the mug. The minute he walked into the room I couldn’t breathe and he was flabbergasted that I knew/smelt the drink that instantaneously.
• The more my BIL falls apart my sister becomes more helpless. She can’t stand it when someone else is troubled/sick/sad/depressed more than she is. She craves attention and she will do extreme things to get attention…okay…the real deal is that both my sister and BIL are nut cases, even more so than me. Living with them has been difficult and I’m always in freak mode waiting for the next shoe to drop.
• My two dearest friends that I’ve known for eons live in Florida and I never get to see them. Our lives have taken separate directions and even though we still communicate via phone and emails, not sharing in their daily lives leaves me feeling very lonely.

Most of my days are spent trying to relieve pain or get comfortable, be the least dependant on those around as I can, help my family members any way I can and strengthen my relationship with God. I’m not a fan of organized religion and I don’t attend church services but I do have an unbreakable believe in God and Jesus and thankfully this part of my life gives me great joy. My little world is normally in shambles on a daily basis but my trust and love for God never falters. I guess you could say that half my life is spent in misery and the other half in ecstasy. What I envisioned my life from early adulthood, middle age to old age is so far from reality and I’m trying to reconcile the two. I’m trying to be what God wants me to be and therein lies the struggle. My will, free will and His will, it’s a bit overwhelming.

There is more that I’d like to write but I’m out of energy. Thanks for listening.