Where I’ve been…

…actually I haven’t stepped foot out of this house. I took my fragile heart and psyche, wrapped it in a cocoon and shut out all distractions. My mind-game of “illness denial” faded and in its place I was clobbered with the reality that my flame is going to burn out slowly but oh so ugly and painfully. My sight is deteriorating along with my right lung. It’s a very slow decline but I can’t seem to bounce back from each attack on my system. I guess I use denial or I block out chunks of time as a way to cope but it doesn’t last.

I don’t know how to be selfless, to take each blow with grace and not complain. Other people suffering much more than I handle their suffering without caving into the fear and pain. I never planned for this form of poor health. I always imagined dying quickly or suddenly but instead it’s a slow deliberate stalking of every joy or bit of normalcy that made up what was once my life.

So, I go to my safe place, inside my head and hide. Eventually, my coping mechanism resets and I “pretend” I will heal and resume my life.

I don’t have much support in my face-to-face world, so it is with much gratefulness that I thank all the wonderful bloggers that have been there for me. You all are a tremendous spiritual lift and I owe you what’s left of my sanity. THANK YOU!