What you tried to say to me

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Johari window?

I found this whilst surfing and I apologize but I don't remember whose blog I found it from. I'm not sure what to make of it but feel free to participate if you'd like.


Thank you.

Feeling loved

Comment Responses:

Pia- You reminded me that I have a large extended family that loves me, just by calling me “Sis”. Being sisters in Christ is such a wonderful gift. Thank you and I love you too!

Dr. John- Thank you for teaching me the lesson of how to “think before I speak”. Thank you for your prayers and the nice welcome back. I’ve added you to my prayer list also. :-)

Dawn Marie- I chuckled when I read your comment. I do take anti-depressants and I also have a cat! I must really be messed up. ;-)

Deb- Your hugs always help, whether in person or through email. I’m still praying for your step dad and keep taking your glorious pictures.

Hipmomma- The words “Thank you” aren’t enough but thank you anyway. You are one of the most loyal, caring and sweetest blogging buddies I’ve had the good fortune to know. Don’t freak out…I do love you and don’t worry about saying it back. ;-)

Corry- I draw strength from you and my admiration for you keeps growing. Thank you for your prayers!

Mrs. Darling- Don’t ever change, you have a warm loving heart and you stand by your convictions. Even when you are incredibly busy and under enormous stress you take the time to make sure others are cared for, thank you!

Morris- I don’t know what to say except thank you. :-)

Monday, February 20, 2006

Where I’ve been…

…actually I haven’t stepped foot out of this house. I took my fragile heart and psyche, wrapped it in a cocoon and shut out all distractions. My mind-game of “illness denial” faded and in its place I was clobbered with the reality that my flame is going to burn out slowly but oh so ugly and painfully. My sight is deteriorating along with my right lung. It’s a very slow decline but I can’t seem to bounce back from each attack on my system. I guess I use denial or I block out chunks of time as a way to cope but it doesn’t last.

I don’t know how to be selfless, to take each blow with grace and not complain. Other people suffering much more than I handle their suffering without caving into the fear and pain. I never planned for this form of poor health. I always imagined dying quickly or suddenly but instead it’s a slow deliberate stalking of every joy or bit of normalcy that made up what was once my life.

So, I go to my safe place, inside my head and hide. Eventually, my coping mechanism resets and I “pretend” I will heal and resume my life.

I don’t have much support in my face-to-face world, so it is with much gratefulness that I thank all the wonderful bloggers that have been there for me. You all are a tremendous spiritual lift and I owe you what’s left of my sanity. THANK YOU!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Turtle time again

I have to disappear for a day or two. As soon as I’m back I’ll respond to everyone’s comments.

Friday, February 10, 2006


Uh…just here to leave a quick post. I will be watching a movie tonight (The Exorcism of Emily Rose) and all I can say is…I’m sleeping with the lights on tonight!

Also, one of my favorite video games (Silent Hill) has been turned into a movie and will be in theaters sometime in April. I fervently hope that it stays as scary as the game.


Several bloggers have written to me stating they don’t understand why my husband and I still live in my sisters home if we have enough money to pay over six-hundred dollars a month rent and this is why…bad credit. It’s not the only reason but it is the main reason. The other day I began a search of my archives hoping for a post that would explain our financial mess but I became a bit depressed after reading some old posts. So, I’ve decided to (as brief as I can) write down all the embarrassing details:

A culmination of 5 job lay-offs (between both my husband and I) in eight years, the last one due to the September 11th terrorist attack, very effectively wiped out our savings and any monetary resources we had. My health began to decline and my husband looked for employment for almost two years without even a nibble by any company. We were living in Seattle and at that point Boeing was laying off thousands of people and the economy was abysmal. After all our money was gone, even unemployment, we were evicted from our apartment and spent the next six months homeless living in our car.

Finally, my husband was given a temporary job that lasted a month. On the heels of that job my husband was offered a contracting position that lasted four months. After this job ended my husband and I moved in with my sister and BIL in the belief that another contracting job would begin in five weeks and we would be only staying in their home as visitors and not living there full time. The job fell through and it would be a couple of months before he found another position. After much thought, my husband and I agreed that we needed a place to stay while we save enough money to buy a travel trailer or mobile home; something that was paid for completely so there would be no fear of eviction if our financial situation became dire as before. We’ve tried to rent rooms, apartments or homes but due to the legal action against us from the eviction and tons of other bills we haven’t yet paid off, our credit rating is such that no one will rent to us.

Basically, we have a list of bills that we are slowly paying off, along with new and old medical bills, while trying desperately to put as much money into savings and pay rent to my sister. The monthly rent has only recently been raised to $600 hundred a month because my BIL no longer has a job. I don’t feel my BIL and sister are being fair about the amount or fair in their treatment of my husband and me but it is what it is. Moreover, there are several more factors that I haven’t included in my blog that would make my decision a bit more clear but I’m not ready to write about them. I wrote this post merely to help readers get a bit of the bigger picture. For those of you who have heard all this before, sorry for the redundancy.

I want to write more but I’ve been coughing almost all morning and I’m exhausted. Thanks for your interest in my life and I love you all. :)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


This is going to sound strange…can anyone see this post? Or, is any one else having problems with blogspot.com? My last two or three posts aren’t visible when I view my blog. The only way I can “see” the posts is to log onto blogspot.com and go to the “edit/create” page. Very odd.

Also, a very wonderful blogger friend, Deb needs some prayers. A family member is quite ill and my heart goes out to her. Thanks in advance.

Love to all!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


I taped the season finale for “Surface” Monday evening and watched it this morning. The finale was awesome but I’m dreading the news that the show won’t be picked up for another season. Please, if anyone has any info, shoot me off an email or comment. Thank you.

Also, for any soap fans out there GH is in one of its “good cycles”! Robert Scorpio is back on the show along with Robin. I’m wondering if Anna will show up. The scenes between Sonny and Emily (can’t believe I’m actually writing this) are *hot*. When I first realized the writer’s intention of putting those two together I was a bit freaked out. Emily is sooooo much younger than Sonny but the actors are pulling it off. The actress playing Emily is incredibly beautiful, although her acting skills need a bit more fine tuning. Oooh, and I like the bickering and tension between Robin and Dr. Patrick Drake.


After checking out IMDB.com I found out the actress playing the part of Emily (Natalia Livingston) is actually older than I thought (29 almost 30, if I remember correctly). What made me think she was closer to age 22?

Monday, February 06, 2006

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul


What does it mean when you can find me watching “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (for the umpteenth time)? What does it mean when I feel so freaked out that my right cheek tingles and every fiber in my being screams RUN, LEAVE OR GET OUT? What does it mean…I don’t know! For some reason I’m terrified and feel as though I have no safe place to find refuge or to recharge.

I’ve had a migraine off and on for the past three days. I’m sorry but I’m not being completely honest. At this very minute I’m trying to cope with yet another stressful situation. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Go to sleep, wake up, day after day starting the process over and over again but meanwhile the fear and pain remain. I don’t want to be the proverbial wimpy woman that cries hysterically when disaster strikes but I think I am. My father said that I am a selfish, candy-ass that refuses to live outside my comfort zone. He can’t be right; I don’t have a comfort zone anymore. I moved past comfort zone years ago. Everyday I find myself facing new and old obstacles and I try with all my might to make it through the day with grace, kindness and some sense of strength. Is this a sign of a weak person? Have I been blessed with so much and thrown it away in a juvenile tantrum while raging at life’s unfairness? I question everything. I thought I knew right from wrong but maybe my perception is skewed.

I need to stop this rambling; I’m even making my self sick with my inadequacies.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Dear friends

I am self-centered and sometimes I forget this, then I remember and it jars me awake. The knowledge that I can be so selfish makes me almost physically ill. At the moment I can’t stand myself.

With that said, for all of you readers that believe in the power of prayer please pray for my friends Corry and Pia. They are wonderful, God-fearing and lovely human beings! Each one has faced tremendous obstacles in life but they handle their struggles with grace and much strength. I adore these women! Their loyalty towards me, even when I’m not there for them, is immeasurable.

I love you Corry and Pia and I will keep you in my prayers always.

“He’s at it again” Comment Update

To Satin Jenni-- Between my husband and my BIL they finally got the network fixed. When it concerns my BIL you never know what the truth is and he is very vengeful. He used to fool around with the Internet connection all the time so none of the household could have net access. He has many good qualities but his bad-side comes out much too often.

Thank you for the praise regarding my blog! I know my blog needs lots of work and my writing skills are few so it is a huge thrill to read nice comments such as yours. A big thanks to you!

To Dawn-- Yes, my husband and I have gone over our situation many times, in fact, almost every minute of the day. I wouldn’t call the treatment from my sister and BIL abuse because we have the option to leave. Of course, we would be either living in our car again or in a place that would wipe out our tiny savings. Your prayers are gratefully received and I thank you so much.

To Dawn Marie-- Mine is such a long and complicated story! In my archives I’m sure I have the low-down regarding my reasons for living with my sister, I’ll have to sift through and find them for you. Thanks for coming back to my blog time and time again and leaving very uplifting comments. :)

Oh, and I’m so jealous of you! You live in Montana, how awesome. I wish my husbands company had an office there, I’d move in a minute.