Here I go again

Hello world!

I’ve had a million and one thoughts rolling around my noggin and I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to make sense of it all. It feels like years since I’ve posted, along with many other changes in my life.

One of the major changes has been my BIL’s long awaited sentencing. As my husband would say, “He got his hand slapped and not much else”. For his crime he will get no jail time, nothing on his record and he won’t lose his license (not driver’s license). He will be on probation for one year and pay a small fine. In one respect, I’m happy for him because he is working exceptionally hard to kick his addictions. Then again, my BIL has never known real financial hardship or health hardships. Not that I want him to suffer but after all the suffering my husband and I have been through due to things beyond our control it just seems a bit unfair. We obey the law, we try to better ourselves and we are trying to help our loved ones. My sister and BIL have both broken the law on many occasions, never try to better themselves (being well-off they feel is enough) and they treat their loved ones according to (monetary) rank. It just feels…so out of balance.

It is exceedingly frustrating to have the last twelve years of your life stripped of all the hard work you’ve done and stripped of your possessions simply due to a series of job lay-offs and ill health. And while all this is going on your family members treat you like you don’t exist. That aside, what I’m most concerned with now that the legal crud is settled is my BIL can now get another high paying job and this puts my husband and I on the most hated list. Our monthly rent payment to them will no longer be needed and the game my sister invented, how to make me and my husband as miserable as she can, will commence.

As of today my husband and I no longer have any savings to move us out of my sisters home. At one point we had over $5,000 available for when we found an apartment but between car repairs, my medical bills/medical tests and the recent major child care expenditures (step-kids) we are flat broke. Each penny spent was carefully thought out and I feel blessed to have had our small savings but the fact is we are in a very precarious financial situation and all the medical testing has led the doctors to order more testing. Each test I undergo I pray this will give the doctors the answers they need to solve the puzzle of what is my ailment but it never happens. I’ve been waiting two years to hear if my illness could be “fixed” with medication, surgery or just time or to hear the death prognosis such as, “You have only a period of time before you croak”.

If you haven’t noticed I’m a planner. I like order, schedules and routines. I want to be able to plan my time/life and it’s been so long since I was able to plan anything. I know, I’m whining. I’m very very very blessed. I have a roof over my head, food and lots of TV/books to keep me entertained so I have no right to whine. I’ve come realize I am a wimp. So sorry for the long winded bellyaching and I’ll try to be more optimistic in the future.

On second thought…this is my only place to let go of my negative feelings so I’m just going to be me and not force myself to be hunky dory when I’m not.

I’m going to have to cut this short; my privacy is being invaded again. I will try to finish out my list of a million thoughts another time. :-)