I slept ten hours today woke up at 10pm (Wednesday). My sister was already in her room, getting into bed for her nights rest. This left the living room free for my husband and me to talk a bit before he went to bed. We watched the David Letterman show, something we often did together when we had our own apartment.
Suddenly, the fight from the previous night exploded in my brain and the realization that my dream of a happy family was gone and it brought me to my knees. When is this pain going to lessen?
All crap aside, I know most of the time I’m a whiny sniveling woman with regards to my blog posts and my mental illness (depression) shines through like a huge laser beam but I finally get it. My father, brother and two sisters DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. They would rather I leave, find a dark corner of the world and let this disease kill me slowly. I actually hear them physically wiping their hands as if to wipe me from their lives. I always knew this day would come but in essence I blocked it out.
I’m now left with a situation that is not only mentally painful but scary. Scary, because my sister wants us out of the house now but this eviction couldn’t come at a worse time. Foremost, I am very ill and in the process of getting several medical tests done over the next month and a half. Due to the lousy insurance we have a large percentage of the total cost for these tests will come out of our savings (which is already dwindling). My cat is still ill but I won’t expound on that subject because the thought of losing her is something I can’t handle. My husband is dealing with a mammoth project at work and the stress of deadlines has him extremely tense. This project, if not done correctly and on time, could cost him his job. I could list so much more but I’m tired of rehashing the same ole stuff. Suffice it to say, our choices are few and unappealing. So, it was with much pride swallowing that I asked my sister to give us until after the holidays to move out. “I’ll discuss it with my husband when he gets home from his trip” was all she said.
This is where I stand at the moment, emotionally crippled and uncertain of what is to come in the next chapter of my life. One thing I do know, my family has beaten me down for far too long and thanks to a dear friend of mine (Deb) I realize my family is losing out on ME! It’s their problem not mine. However long it takes for this pain to subside I will get through it with my character intact.
One day, after the drama is over I will write a post chronicling my life and what I perceive to be the reasons my family chooses not to want me be a part of their lives.