What you tried to say to me

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Deep thoughts...not!

Sometimes, certain ideas pop into my head, usually upon waking or in dreams and I can’t help but wonder why such ridiculous thoughts even materialize at all. For instance, this morning I awoke to the thought that I’m the only human being I know that prefers more jelly compared to the amount of peanut butter in my PB & J sandwich. Nothing profound or enlightening but just silly inane thoughts, with this in mind, please tell me your preference.

Monday, November 28, 2005


I’m peeking out of my turtle shell. I’ve been hiding out…withdrawing into my secret self. I tend to internalize way too much and a few thoughts have kept me busy.

Apparently, my BIL feels my presence in his home has damaged his relationship with a long time friend. He used a very injurious analogy as to why he believes my husband and I are to blame for the supposed damage. Basically, it amounted to my hubby and I are ingrates as well as moochers and his friend feels uncomfortable being around us.

Let me say up front, my husband is rarely home (works long hours) and when my sister and BIL have friends or guests over I retreat to my bedroom strictly for the purpose of giving everyone space and private time. Thus, I felt safe in the knowledge that my BIL’s friends would experience no discomfort from my invasion of their usual gathering place.

What stands out quite glaringly to me is that my BIL knew that his analogy would cause me pain and that the comparison of my husband and me to a person considered by him as despicable had me reeling. My BIL professes to be a kind, caring, Christian man yet his scathing adjectives regarding mine and my husband’s character gives away his true belief.

I guess one of the reasons I have let his words take up room in my mind is because most of the time he is so nice. He makes me laugh, we have a great rapport and even my sister remarks that she admires our “connection” or believed friendship. I’m left with an unsettling sensation with the polar opposite personalities my BIL puts forth to me.

Also, I have a few more perplexities I’m trying to analyze. Wouldn’t life be easier if people were honest and you didn’t have to surmise what is really on their minds?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Broken blog and turkey gobbles

I'm sorry if anyone is having problems trying to comment, I'm not sure what is wrong and I have no clue how to fix it.

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

My husband and I have decided to skip the whole dinner thing and give the money to charity. The thought of giving a hot meal to someone who has nothing, is my idea of a great Thanksgiving Day. I’ve been in that position (needy) and it breaks my heart to know others are suffering.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Plugging away

I think my blog is broken, is anyone having problems commenting?

Anyhoo, I’m still here, still toiling towards a healthy mind. Oh, and the weather has changed, it’s much cooler. Now it actually feels like autumn, I just love it!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Among the other changes going on in my life, I’m taking an inventory of my mental issues (sweeping up the brain dust-bunnies) hoping to cure what ails me. The process so far is about as comfortable as letting go my grip from the edge of a cliff with a rocky bottom thousands of feet below.

One of the biggest challenges for me is integrating my opposite personas. I have a very strong innate propensity to survive…to live. This conflicts with my deep desire to move on to the next realm (Heaven) to be with God and away from all that is evil.

Fear of failure and an extreme loneliness has me bound. I feel so alone most days even with a house full of people. My specific maladies are so isolating and I can’t seem to relate to anyone. None of this probably makes any sense and as I write each word I feel childish bordering on guilt. I was given so much at birth and yet I’m crippled by the evil wrought on me as a little girl. “Just let it go” or “Get over it” hasn’t worked for me. Something has taken up residence in my head and I’m so sad. I search frantically for people to love me and understand me and I feel like such an alien. My only relief is my faith.

When will I ever be comfortable being me?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Chocolate fever

Hey, Godiva Chocolatiers, are you listening…What possessed you to change the Vanilla Truffle recipe? You have two very unhappy customers (my sister and I) and we refuse to buy a single piece of Godiva Chocolate until the original recipe is back for good.

New coke versus classic coke ring any bells?

Anybody tried the new Choxie chocolate from Target yet? Please let me know what you think. :-)

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Long time coming

…I’ve been somewhat quiet the past several days…*long sigh*…I’m attempting something astronomically difficult. I’m not ready to “talk” about the situation yet. What I’m trying to accomplish is beyond my puny capabilities but I must try…my life, my mental state and my future is riding on the outcome.

If I seem distant, please understand that I don’t mean to be…

For a friend

Got a call from an old dear friend of mine yesterday, her father passed away last month. She spoke with such sadness and shock. Apparently, her father’s passing was the first time she’s witnessed death and terminal illness up close. If possible, please say a few prayers for my friend and her family, their world has become one of agony and loss.

Thank you.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Grey matter

I'm not bored this time, I just enjoy quizzes:

The Stupid Quiz said I am "Totally Smart!" How stupid are you? Click here to find out!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Lesson learned

BIL is back from his trip and not a mention of an eviction date has been spoken. It only took one day, and my BIL and sister are making each other miserable. I see each person’s point of view and problem with the other but when I voice my opinion they both ignore my insights. I realize my opinions are not wanted nor respected but it is difficult to sit back and watch them rip each other apart. Their troubles and how to mend them is crystal clear to me but I believe they are too stubborn to compromise or they are in denial.

But, this is not my problem anymore; I am staying out of their squabbles. As excruciating as it is to compartmentalize the thought that I have no loyal loving family members I must, to save my sanity. I’m breaking the chains and moving on. Barring any serious medical issues (death or coma) my husband and I plan on leaving January 1st. There are no plans or a place to go but we will figure something out.

This house we are living in is a cesspool of madness and we are making an escape before we get sucked down into the muck and mire.

To my Internet friends and the lovely souls who leave the kindest comments, thank you for giving me the courage to face the truth and strength to take action.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Their loss

I slept ten hours today woke up at 10pm (Wednesday). My sister was already in her room, getting into bed for her nights rest. This left the living room free for my husband and me to talk a bit before he went to bed. We watched the David Letterman show, something we often did together when we had our own apartment.

Suddenly, the fight from the previous night exploded in my brain and the realization that my dream of a happy family was gone and it brought me to my knees. When is this pain going to lessen?

All crap aside, I know most of the time I’m a whiny sniveling woman with regards to my blog posts and my mental illness (depression) shines through like a huge laser beam but I finally get it. My father, brother and two sisters DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. They would rather I leave, find a dark corner of the world and let this disease kill me slowly. I actually hear them physically wiping their hands as if to wipe me from their lives. I always knew this day would come but in essence I blocked it out.

I’m now left with a situation that is not only mentally painful but scary. Scary, because my sister wants us out of the house now but this eviction couldn’t come at a worse time. Foremost, I am very ill and in the process of getting several medical tests done over the next month and a half. Due to the lousy insurance we have a large percentage of the total cost for these tests will come out of our savings (which is already dwindling). My cat is still ill but I won’t expound on that subject because the thought of losing her is something I can’t handle. My husband is dealing with a mammoth project at work and the stress of deadlines has him extremely tense. This project, if not done correctly and on time, could cost him his job. I could list so much more but I’m tired of rehashing the same ole stuff. Suffice it to say, our choices are few and unappealing. So, it was with much pride swallowing that I asked my sister to give us until after the holidays to move out. “I’ll discuss it with my husband when he gets home from his trip” was all she said.

This is where I stand at the moment, emotionally crippled and uncertain of what is to come in the next chapter of my life. One thing I do know, my family has beaten me down for far too long and thanks to a dear friend of mine (Deb) I realize my family is losing out on ME! It’s their problem not mine. However long it takes for this pain to subside I will get through it with my character intact.

One day, after the drama is over I will write a post chronicling my life and what I perceive to be the reasons my family chooses not to want me be a part of their lives.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

It's over

Everything came to a head last night and my sister unleashed a tirade of words that have left me without any doubt that I am not loved. Not loved by her or the rest of my family. If that wasn’t enough she confessed to going to my doctor behind my back to find out what my “real” diagnosis was because she refuses to believe I am as ill as I say I am. Of course my doctor wouldn’t divulge anything because of patient confidentiality but I wish he had. I’ve known for a long time that my sister has never truly cared for me and I believe my subconscious knowledge of her dislike and my inability to face the truth is part of my deep depression. I no longer have any illusions.

I’m writing this almost as if I were a spectator viewing the whole situation from an objective point of view. This is because I’m heavily medicated. I had a major melt-down last night; I ranted and screamed but mostly just sobbed for hours. How do you come to terms with the fact that you are not loved by your own family? That you’ve spent most of your life giving of yourself and loving them yet they don’t feel the same about you. How does one rationalize that the people you were raised with think of you as a burden or pariah? My sister said she would rather have her home back to the way it was with just her husband and daughter and that she didn’t want to take care of me while I was ill. I point blank asked her if having her home to herself was more important than spending the good and bad times with me, and she said she wanted me out of her house.

There is more I could write, and I’m not even sure if what I wrote is clear or readable because the anti-anxiety medicine is making me extremely sleepy.

My dream of a loving united close-knit family has died.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Calling all Shrinks!

Please delve into my head and decipher what is causing me to be disloyal to many blogs that I used to read everyday. These blogs are hilarious or wonderfully written and I truly enjoyed reading them.

A short time ago, I took a two week break from blogging and since that break I’ve never gone back to my original blog reading routine. GAH! I feel so psychotic sometimes. I have all the blogs bookmarked and when I glance at the list I get very agitated and guilt-ridden but I can’t seem to bring myself to click on the links.

I guess that’s it for now.