It's over
Everything came to a head last night and my sister unleashed a tirade of words that have left me without any doubt that I am not loved. Not loved by her or the rest of my family. If that wasn’t enough she confessed to going to my doctor behind my back to find out what my “real” diagnosis was because she refuses to believe I am as ill as I say I am. Of course my doctor wouldn’t divulge anything because of patient confidentiality but I wish he had. I’ve known for a long time that my sister has never truly cared for me and I believe my subconscious knowledge of her dislike and my inability to face the truth is part of my deep depression. I no longer have any illusions.
I’m writing this almost as if I were a spectator viewing the whole situation from an objective point of view. This is because I’m heavily medicated. I had a major melt-down last night; I ranted and screamed but mostly just sobbed for hours. How do you come to terms with the fact that you are not loved by your own family? That you’ve spent most of your life giving of yourself and loving them yet they don’t feel the same about you. How does one rationalize that the people you were raised with think of you as a burden or pariah? My sister said she would rather have her home back to the way it was with just her husband and daughter and that she didn’t want to take care of me while I was ill. I point blank asked her if having her home to herself was more important than spending the good and bad times with me, and she said she wanted me out of her house.
There is more I could write, and I’m not even sure if what I wrote is clear or readable because the anti-anxiety medicine is making me extremely sleepy.
My dream of a loving united close-knit family has died.
posted by Maryrose @ 8:34 AM
4 Comments:
That is sad. If we could step back and see what we do to each other maybe we'd think twice. I was an only child so I didn't have that conflict. I do have 3 kids and 1 step kid. I have seen it all. Now they are grown and I worry everyday. The lessons I tried to teach... Maybe as time goes on things will change for you. Don't give up. At so point your family may realize what is truly important.I did not get along with my mother at all as a teen on into my early 20's. Then she died at 49. I miss her. Keep the faith.
I'm very sorry for what you're dealing with. Sometimes a family isn't what it's supposed to be and unfortunately family members can inflict a kind of emotional pain on us that is unmatched to anything a stranger could do to us. It's a very horrible place to be. I pray that you have at least on good friend that will be there for you. If you have another option, rather than staying with your sister, I'd take it. You cannot change her heart, but God can. Pray for her everyday... it's the best way to show your love for her, even though she may not appreciate it, she needs it so very much.
God bless and hang in there.
I am sorry girl. I pray God will touch their hearts and open their eyes.
But also MarieRose, not all that feels bad is bad. I can understand completely that you would like to have a loving family. But aren't you better off knowing now that you don't, instead of living with an unrealistic hope and expectation and throwing pearls before the swines? And even though it hurts tremendously, it is better to know who your enemies are. Now, instead of helping people that hurt, you can start helping those that help. And you can also focus on you and your life. You may be better of for it.
I pray for you.
Micah 7:6
For son dishonors father, Daughter rises against her mother, Daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; A man’s enemies are the men of his own household.
God's Grace.
i may not be on the same boat but i know how bad that feels. mary rose, i see a lot of things in my life too that seem impossible to change. but i believe God can. let Him do the dirty work. i agree with corry, focus on yourself this time. God can turn things around. you'll see.
God bless.
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