What you tried to say to me

Friday, December 31, 2004


Happy New Year all!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Bring out the shorts and tank tops

This is why I love Seattle and think it’s the total package.

I love Texas also but the heat kills me. I can’t believe how hot it was today. The temperature gauge read 77 degrees this afternoon. Correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t today’s date, December 30, 2004?

Go away heat, please!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Begging & birthdays

Must I resort to begging? I have TEN gmail invites and I was hoping to give them away but sadly there are no takers.

Yesterday turned out to be an interesting/nice birthday. The last several birthdays for me have been lonely, cheerless and forgettable. For starters, after getting my coffee I found a present from my niece sitting on the end table next to the chair I usually sit it. She bought me a beautiful pair of much needed slippers. They are so soft, inside and out, and when I walk it feels like I’m floating on a cloud. The next part of the day was spent watching movies (The Manchurian Candidate and Open Water) and having a lite lunch. During the day and even into the evening my sister did all the dishes and was…nice to me. What a surreal day it was, my sister was respectful, kind and fun. My niece wasn’t whiny or self-absorbed. We were all supposed to go out for dinner but hubby had to work late so he brought home take-out from the Olive Garden. Hubby also brought me home a dozen peach roses! It’s been so long and I can’t stop staring at them. The card he gave me made everyone go, “awww”. It was so sappy, loving and sentimental. He’s not usually the most sentimental guy so the sap was warmly greeted. The rest of the night everyone got along and we actually had cool conversations. Most of you may read this and think, “How boring and tame”, but to me the sheer peace and quiet was heavenly.

At any rate, I’m still basking in the overflow of good will and fun from yesterday and feeling very blessed. Thanks again for the Happy Birthday wishes.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Feeling loved

Thanks everyone for the uplifting “Happy Birthday” emails!

Frankly, I was shocked at all the attention. My entry was a personal comment to myself, an inside joke of sorts. I love you all for your thoughtfulness.


Other side of the spectrum

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas

I never expect to receive an apology from my sister for anything or everything she has done to me and I can’t say if I would trust her spoken words…ever. Do you see all the pigs taking flight today? I’m in shock, utter shock. My sister told me she was sorry for lying to me about an incident that happened a couple of years ago. I don’t know how to handle her apology, or if I should believe in it. She cries all the time because her husband lies to her but she lies to him just as much, and to every family member or friend. Her lies far out weigh her truths. The sad part of all this is she is so deep into all her lies that she thinks she is telling the truth. Her make-believe world inside her head is set up to excuse all her actions, so I’m confused. Am I dying and she wants to atone for her sins towards me? Or is she about to launch a major attack against me? It’s a shame that I can’t just accept her act of contrition, forgive her and move on. When dealing with my family members everything said or requested is suspect. Usually, there is a hidden, not-so-nice motive behind all conversation.

That aside, I had a lovely Christmas. Sister, BIL and niece spent most of the day away and hubby and I got to be alone, completely stress free. I hope that all of you had a Merry Christmas also.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


I received more gmail invitations, I have 10 to give away. Email me or comment, thanks.

Second guessing

I’m second guessing my depression diagnosis. Maybe I’m ignorant but after taking my anti-depressant medicine I thought my depression would become less extreme, more middle of the road. Instead, I’m having four to five “bad” days and rarely more than two dealable days in a week. Is this normal? Could there be something more at play? All I know is that this depression is sucking the life out of me. As you can tell this is one of my bad days. I am so much more than this. I have heart and soul filled with love and I want to spread joy where ever I go but I can’t shake the sadness.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Lonely in a full house

Hubby is away visiting his ill father. I'm so happy his brother forked over the money to pay for the plane ticket. It was an unexpected blessing. I'm very lonely without hubby but he desperately needed to visit his father before it's too late. Talking to him on the phone today left me in tears. He sounded so sad, and I wasn’t there to console him, if that’s possible. Hubby has never witnessed the ravages of a terminal illness and even though he tried to prepare himself it was a shock for him to see his once vibrant father so close to death and unable to communicate. Then, all my memories of my mother’s battle with cancer (and her passing) smacked me firmly in the face. After so many years have gone by the memories still have the power to knock me to my knees.

I must find some ear plugs or something to drown out the noise of my niece’s slumber party! Shrill, shrieks and screaming from several eleven year old girls is giving me a headache. But I’m happy she is having a good time. There aren’t many kids her age in this neighborhood and play dates are few and far between.

This is a test. I'm trying to see if I can insert a link...


I checked the link and it worked for me. Could someone let me know if it works for them? It's weird that once I got my PC I gained more options for blogging. The insert link wasn't available to me on my old Mac. I don't understand this but I'm happy to now have the ability to link. Now if I could only figure out why I can't put up links to other blogs on my sidebar.

Still have gmail invites

Not sure if any one is still interested, but I have 2 gmail invitations left. Email me or leave a comment and they are yours.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

No title

Something is wrong with me and I haven't got the courage (or money) to find out what's wrong. Aside from my usual illnesses I now have extreme pain in my left foot, absolutely no energy and frankly no desire to do anything. Getting up from a chair to walk to my bedroom tires me out. My hands and feet keep going numb. I have this strange gut feeling that something is seriously wrong. Everything that used to bring me joy or excites me only leaves me longing for my old life when I wasn't so freaking sick. It feels like every time the clock ticks my life and energy are being drained from my body. I know I shouldn't look online for a diagnosis but I did and I can't believe what my symptoms indicate...congestive heart failure or other terminal pulmonary diseases. I'm so upset. I'm so tired, it’s so hard to breathe and I’m so very tired of trying to cough up the mucous that’s stuck in my lungs. It takes me all day to work up some energy to just do one load of dishes. And I’m so f**king mad that my sister makes me do the dishes everyday and most days I don’t even dirty any dishes. She does nothing around the house but sleep all day, go out shopping and put her child to bed at night. I’ve got to stop. I’m tired of the same old crap and I’m just too tired to think about it anymore.

Sunday, December 12, 2004


I am an ending or beginning person…DO NOT PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE. Especially when you fight over your pathetic addictions.

Why do I keep trusting my family members to do the right thing? Why do I keep getting sucked into their games? I thought I was smart enough to recognize when my BIL or sister were playing me for a fool but I was wrong. There is so much damage in my family it can never be fixed. Why do they take my love and stomp on it like it’s nothing? Everything is made worse by the fact that hubby and I don’t have enough money saved to buy the travel trailer we wanted. It will probably take six more months and this means six more months of living with my sister and BIL. I don’t think I’ll make it.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Clock madness

I've noticed for years that I'm a bit odd and what's worse I see things...weird things. Every time I look at a digital clock, whether it's my alarm clock, the microwave oven clock, the coffee maker clock or stove clock I see the time in triplicate. Such as, 1:11, 5:55, 2:22 or even 12:12 and 10:10. This happens almost every time I look at a digital clock. Not just 50% of the time but almost 99% of the time. I’m a freak.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Been awhile

I’m back.

I must apologize to everyone for my disappearing act. First, hubby’s father is still hanging on but we are told that it’s just a matter of time. I’ve been spending a great deal of time praying.

Second, my little apple laptop crashed, melted and died…BUT…we got a brand new PC laptop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband was able to obtain a new computer through his company at a deep discount and on a very reasonable purchase plan. It will take me a while to get used to a new computer so bear with me.

As for those kind wonderful blogger friends that I’ve been unable to communicate with lately, I will get back with you as soon as possible.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004


Hubby's Dad is still hanging on. I'm having a panic attack just writing about the situation. I want him not to suffer and I want him to recover but it's not my call and it's not my story.

We LOVE you Dad!

I'm messed up

Even though I was basically abused most of my childhood, somehow I kept optimistic. I woke up every morning with a smile and a hope for a new beginning. I wasn’t Miss Merry Sunshine but I always had hope…

Now I feel like my mind and body have been taken over by Aliens from the planet Depression. I ask myself every morning why I even bother to get up. I don’t feel like myself. Life is a gift and precious and I KNOW this. I have a purpose and by 90% of the world’s population I have nothing to be upset about…yet I can’t shake this cloud hovering over my head. I hate being the whiny blogger. I hate being the person with all the mental problems and financial problems. BUT I AM! Stop the freaking merry-go-round I want to get off. The part of me that used to love life, people and the beauty that was all around me gets smaller with every passing day.