He's at it again

I have maybe a minute or a few seconds to cut and paste this post, I hope it works.

I’ve tried, really really tried but I’m floating in a sea of anger. Once you move beyond a certain age (oh, lets say over forty years old) manners and consideration shouldn’t be a difficult concept. Furthermore, when you make a mistake…a big huge whopper of a mistake, just own it, apologize and make amends. Don’t wallow in your guilt and cause every one around you to suffer. You messed up Mr. and you know who you are and what you did. If you hadn’t noticed from the last time you were incarcerated, consequences are real and there is no f-ing tooth fairy! Now you have a new set of troubles with another chance at incarceration but you act (key word, ACT) like you are so repentant and have huge sad eyes but you know and I know that it’s a farce.

For the past few days my Internet time has been taken away. I get a few minutes and then hours of no connectivity. When I question why this is happening I’m told, “Uh, um…I don’t know”. Then, come to find out, my BIL is trying to change our network to achieve a bit more security but the only thing he can pull off is no more Internet. I’m angry because he lied. I’m angry because he could have had the decency to explain what was happening and given the rest of the house notice so we could get much needed business finished before losing net access. Almost two years of living with my sister, BIL and niece and they have made almost every minute feel like torture. I go out of my way to such an extreme to be kind, loving, helpful and be the house cheerleader but they just keep grinding down my efforts. I’ve spoken of this before, all the crap I put up with on top of having to pay over six hundred dollars a month for renting a tiny bedroom in a small house and I’m a family member to boot. My husband and I also pay for some utilities and household items such as cleaning supplies, trash bags, and some food. Not the food that my husband and I eat but food for all three of them. I’m too upset to write down all of my frustration and the skyscraper of anger and pain that has been built by the lot of them, it would take all day. And the fact that I have no access to the net is just the sum total of all that I’ve endured and not just a minor nuisance that I wouldn’t even rant about. UGH! I have so much freaking time to internalize and just sit and think, and think and think some more. Most of the time, all I have to mark the days are my computer/Internet, books and TV. Being ill, I’m so limited and I depend on certain tools to keep me occupied, such as blogging. Gosh, I wish I could write with skill and grace what is in my heart and on my mind. Words do not come easy for me but my emotions feel so amplified. There are so many things left unsaid. I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I’m just a woman stuck in a sick body and mind and I use most of my time watching way too much TV, reading too many blogs and peruse the net quite a bit. My husband works so many hours, my family members are blobs of self-centeredness, all my close friends live in different states miles away and all I ask for is a tiny space to live as best I can but I’m bombarded with schemes and treachery.

And by now after spilling my guts I would probably feel a tad better but I’m facing the rest of my day and possibly more time beyond that without the Internet. By the time you read this it will probably be days later and I’ll have moved on to another subject.