What you tried to say to me

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Up hill and not so sighted

Happy freaking birthday to me…and for my first gift...I lose my drivers license! I’m so angry at myself. I realized my Drivers License expires at midnight as it is my birthday. I muster all the energy within me and head over to the license office, fill out all the paper work and pay the fees. I then press my face into the evil eye testing machine as instructed and look for line five, but the fifth line is so fuzzy I can’t read a single number. I stand with my face pressed tightly against the machine praying for the numbers to become clear and visible but they remain blurred. When did my eyes get so bad? I haven’t driven in quite some time and I’m usually homebound but still, it’s such a shock.

Now, I must spend more money that I don’t have for an eye exam and glasses. Then, I have to take a written exam, driving test (how embarrassing at my age) and the dreaded eye test. It is a very odd feeling to know that I have no current license.

As for being my birthday, I could care less. I don’t feel negatively about getting older I’m just not in a celebratory frame of mind. In fact, I feel like a total failure. I’m losing myself. This isn’t whining it’s just a factual observation. I’m unable to participate in my own life due to all my ailments and even the smallest events are an up hill battle.

I know, shut up and buck up.

Monday, December 26, 2005


Christmas day was one of the most magical days I’ve had in maybe ten years. The five days leading up to this awesome day were spent vomiting and sleeping and more vomiting. Apparently, the iron needed to heal my blood also makes me sick. But, after five days of trial and error I’m able to take half the dose the doctor prescribed but I have to abstain from food or coffee two hours before and three hours after every dosage.

So, I woke up Christmas day without any queasiness and filled with a peace only God can give. My sister, BIL, niece and husband spent the day together in perfect harmony with smiles and laughter. Every wicked thing my sister has ever done to me just flew from my heart and I feel I finally understand her and why she hurts the people she loves. I know we will never have the relationship I long for but I no longer feel suffocated with the loss of what could be. Then…believe it or not, my BIL told me that he feels closer to me than ever before and that my friendship truly matters to him. He actually bought my husband and me an incredible Christmas present, one share of stock in a great company (not named for privacy reasons). My sister bought me a box of Godiva chocolates, yummy! My husband bought me the DVD movie “Serenity”, he knows me so well. And the icing on the cake was all the wonderful Christmas wishes from my blogging friends. I am so sorry for my lack of personal Christmas greetings to you all and as soon as I can I will email each and every one of you.

I have a special request. Tooling around Blog Explosion I read a young woman’s blog that had me in tears. She is coping with a life change as she was paralyzed in a car accident. Forgetful me, I don’t remember the name of the blog but the woman’s name is Natalie. Please pray for her. I can’t imagine the suffering she must be feeling and only nineteen years old.

I hope every one is having a great holiday!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Ho Ho Ho

…um…where to begin…I guess I’ll just spit it out…

My husband and I are not moving out of my sister’s house on January 1st as I mentioned before. My sister and I discussed our mutual “hardship” situations and we came up with another plan that would help each other out. Hubby and I will be staying for three more months but this time we will pay more rent. My BIL still hasn’t found/looked for a job and my sister doesn’t want to dig into their savings. It would appear that I’m selling out and basically I am but in my defense, being ill has taken a substantial toll on my body.

I’ve also been putting my heart and soul into healing my mind, plus dealing with the damaging effects of depression. My life is so complicated, the baggage I’ve been carrying around for so long has permeated every part of my existence. Like a vicious cycle, every time I try to work towards my goals another part of my life spins out of control. If I seem distant and post infrequently this is the reason. I’m trying desperately to get a grip on all my mental issues. I know I need to do this for myself but I feel so sad that I’m abandoning my friends (bloggers and real life).

With that said, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all of you wonderful, caring and loyal friends.

May God bless!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

doctor talk

The last 48 hours kicked my butt. I’ve never felt such acute fatigue and weakness in my life. In fact, for a brief moment I thought I was near death. Even today I’m still quite weak and tired but feeling much better.

After a visit to a digestive specialist (last Friday) the colonoscopy and endoscopy ordered by my family physician was postponed due to my breathing difficulties. The specialist ordered more blood work and apparently my blood count is very low again. I was prescribed a high dosage iron pill to be taken three times a day for the next month. The doctor made such a fuss about my anemic condition and after the past two days of feeling so ill I realize I need to be ever mindful of my doctor’s instructions.

Out of curiosity, my blood count level was 8, how low is this? I was given my results over the phone and was too flustered to ask the nurse any questions.

Monday, December 12, 2005


What if Stonehenge was simply a communal home or meeting place built with no other purpose but to keep the inhabitants safe and warm? Archeologists and other scientists have spent so much time trying to find answers and this would mean all their hard work was for naught.

Okay, I’m not serious but it gave me a chuckle just thinking about it.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Not very motherly

It dawned on me this morning that I’ve never discussed my step-mother on this blog. I guess the “out of sight, out of mind” theory works well with regards to “her”. Being that my father lives on the west coast and he has disowned me (roughly three years ago) our paths never cross.

The first time we met was about nine years ago. I was actually thrilled to meet her and first impressions gave me hope that my father found himself a wonderful new wife. My husband and I stayed a weekend at her home to meet her and attend to some business in town. I could easily see how my father fell for her as her physical being looked like a cross between my moms older and younger sisters. The resemblance was eerie. She was so well mannered and kind. I felt like I could tell her my life story and at one point I did reveal certain confidences about my troubles with the sister (Eve) I am living with now. Big mistake!

Several years past before I saw her again and I was still under the impression my step-mom was an honest caring person. On the other hand, my eldest sibling (Lucy) firmly and maybe obsessively believed that my step-mom was the spawn of Satan. I laughed behind Lucy’s back because I met our father’s new wife and she was kind and attractive. I must say at one point (when we were informed of my fathers marriage) I was a tad bit concerned because the nuptials were rushed and by rushed I mean that step-moms late husband had only been dead for a couple of months before my father and SM married. Lucy swore that our new SM killed her husband and was now sinking her talons into my father for his wealth. I was so sickened by my sister Lucy’s allegations that I stopped speaking to her for awhile.

The next time I spent time with my SM was at a family reunion about four years ago. Once again my visit with her seemed normal and I thought we got along fine. Until I saw how she carried on with my sister (Eve). It was like they were peas in a pod and SM could have cared less about me. Towards the end of the reunion I gleaned information from my older sister Lucy that my SM disliked me and my husband and we were maliciously the “talk of the town”.

Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe my sister Eve used her usual “sucking-up” talents to draw my SM over to her side. My brother thought our SM was a sweet lady so maybe Lucy was trying to cause dissension in the family which was her favorite hobby.

Back to the present. I’ve learned a few lessons since I met my SM nine years ago. The first lesson is, if your sister (Lucy) is the queen of manipulation and deception she is probably good and seeing these traits in other people. One by one each sibling has had some kind of confrontation with my SM and we all have ended up disliking her intensely. It’s as if she is trying to sever the bond my father has with each of his children to keep him all to her self. Or, something of a darker undertaking. Some details about her that cause me to worry are first and foremost the fact that she has had two husbands both deceased aside from my father. We didn’t find out about her having two previous husbands till later, we only knew of the existence of the first husband. She has a daughter and grandchildren that she refuses to speak to or spend time with. But the biggest beef with her is that she lied deliberately to my father concerning me. This lie was part of reason my father won’t speak to me now. I won’t go into any details because it’s very specific and I don’t want my family members to be able to trace me to this blog. Suffice it to say the woman blatantly lied to my father about me and I have witnesses to this event but for some reason my father won’t believe me or doesn’t want to believe me. My brother was the next to find fault with her and then finally Eve. The one sibling that loved my SM the most is now her biggest enemy. Eve now believes as Lucy that my SM is the spawn of Satan. Eve’s dislike stems from something my SM said regarding Eve’s daughter. My sister Eve also believes that our SM is turning my father against his children also.

After some thought my husband feels that my SM is trying to get my father to disown the rest of my siblings because she wants their inheritance. I’m not sure what prompted me to lay all this out in the open, I rarely think of my SM, but there it is.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Criticism and random thoughts

That’s irony for ya. I write that I’ve never met anyone who liked more jelly than peanut butter on their PB & J sandwich and the one person who agrees with me states that my writing is juvenile. I probably should be offended but the truth is I’ve always known that my writing is inferior. I’m just pleased to have a place to vent and share ideas.

Moving along…I’ve noticed that my battle with depression has a tendency to move forward but then take four steps back. I need a vacation from my self. I long to be lounging on the warm white sands of a Tahitian beach, a refreshing exotic drink in hand and thinking only empty vapid thoughts.

Also, I read this morning that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck named their newborn, Violet. It’s a bit old-fashioned but I love that name!