What you tried to say to me

Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Can’t talk now but I would like to say thank you to all my blogger friends that were concerned about my whereabouts. A chain of events starting with a screw-up with my BIL’s new fiber optics installation has kept me off the net. As soon as the merry-go-round of my life stops spinning I’ll check back in with some words of wisdom, or drunken ramblings. ;-)

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Sisterly chat

Sis: (Whining as she puts together an Easter basket for my niece.) Don’t you feel sorry for me?

Me: What do you mean?

Sis: (Whining more loudly as she puts little trinkets into hand-size plastic Easter eggs.) Because I have to do THIS and I can’t get the frigging eggs to shut tight! (All said in a tone of voice that is meant to make me feel like an idiot.)

Me: (Thinking to myself…NO, I don't feel sorry for you! And your apparent lack of motor skills is due to impatience and a bad attitude.) …um…no I don’t feel sorry for you.

Sis: Then you do it for me.

Me: Well…okay, I’ll set up your daughters Easter basket and you can clean my cat’s litter box. That’s fair.

Sis: You think you’re funny don’t cha?

Me: The thought had crossed my mind.

No time for a title

Well isn’t life grand. BIL got this new fangled fiber optics installed so that his internet experience is much faster than before. This is a good thing, right? Not exactly. It took almost four hours to get set up and after everything was said and done I can’t stay online for more than 60 seconds. BIL’s apple computer works fine, my sister’s works fine, BIL’s PC works fine and my nieces laptop works fine but oddly enough my computer doesn’t work at all. By working I mean being able to log onto the net and stay on for more than a few seconds. I can type up a letter in Word, copy it, and then try to stay online long enough to paste the letter into an email or my blog. Am I suspicious about my inability to stay online…heck yes? BIL has done this before. I don’t know enough about wireless routers, fiber optics and networks to check if my computer is set up correctly. If I ask my BIL to do it he will check every nook and cranny of my computer such as private files and accumulated letters or diary entries I’ve saved. If I stand over his shoulder and watch what he’s doing on my computer he will take forever and I can’t stand for long periods of time. I actually don’t know what is wrong, and I’m not going to blame BIL, yet.

Meanwhile, I’m going bonkers!!!!!! I want to read blogs and check all my News sites. I’m no good to myself or mankind when my routine gets flipped upside down.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Want to be numb

Random thoughts to follow:

So here’s the deal. Life majorly sucks and I get that…I really get that, to the point where it’s being shoved up my rear and down my throat.

I detest the fact that I’m not a better person, with strength of character and a focus on helping where I can.

I feel completely useless and my inability to judge when I’ve gone too far or not enough frustrates the heck out of me.

I read or watch on TV the gargantuan struggles other people go through and I hate myself for whining about my miniscule tragedies. The old saying, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, makes me feel like a child in a tantrum. It only reinforces that I’m pathetic and I’m not strong enough to handle the least bump in the road.

From the moment of awareness I realized there was something about me that was “off”.

The only reason I’m still hanging on is my faith and I couldn’t bear to hurt the people who love me.

Reason for these random thoughts:

I just found out from my sister that my other niece is acting out quite a lot because her parents are PSYCHO! I don’t write much about my other sister because she is nuts and very hateful. Yes, more so than the sister I’m living with. This niece I will call Hyson and her mother Lucy. I used to live in the same city where Hyson was born but moved away when she was three. It broke my heart to leave her. She has laughing eyes and curly hair. She is beautiful enough to be a model and her giggle can make sun shine through the rain. I left her knowing her parents were ding bats. I left her to save myself. Six years later and she is mentally scarred. What kind of monster am I that I couldn’t stay and help my niece? I’m inconsolable. I understand why I was never gifted with children, I don’t deserve them.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Tickled pink

Thanks for all the emails letting me know my comment section is broken. I'm laughing as I write this because I have no clue what is or went wrong. I'm still flabbergasted that I got a 41 on the nerd quiz as I am about as tech minded as a twig.

My BIL started what I call his “attack mode” last night. He hounds me about certain aspects of my past (financial mistakes) in such a subtle yet mean spirited way. He digs and digs and digs and when I tell him to change the subject he won’t. These “attacks”, I believe, are aimed at getting my husband and me so angry that we will move out. During the attack I tried desperately to consider the source and keep calm but I was losing my temper fast. I was checking my emails during the barrage of questions and by the time I finished reading, it didn’t matter what my BIL was saying to me. All the lovely emails filled my heart with joy. The negativity that was spewing from my BIL’s mouth turned into the sound adults make in the Charlie Brown movies like, “Wah wah wah wah wah”. I started laughing out loud and BIL left the room. Score one for me!

Thanks everyone for making my day.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Wicked this way comes

As with most people, we each have a code we live by morals, integrity so on and so forth. Speaking for myself, I try my best to stay true to “my code” and I don’t question other peoples unless they cross the line. For instance (this is simply an example and not related to what is written below), I believe that children and the elderly deserve special care and are at most times pretty defenseless. When someone causes harm to either one, they are crossing the line.

That said, as of last night my sister traversed “The Line”. It’s not that she actually did something but she said something of which I won’t reveal. I’m shocked, disgusted and scared. My mind is spinning constantly with thoughts that are uncomfortable. How far can my love for her stay intact before I won’t forgive her? She is destructive to herself and so deeply wounded on the inside that I wonder if she can prevail over her darker side. I want to leave her home and never go back. I don’t want to be apart of her life. And the ironic part is that what she said had nothing to do with me. My words are cryptic, I know. This situation I’m in is quite a dilemma. You see, it’s more that her words are crossing certain boundaries only because she has laid a foundation of wrongs, one on top of each other, with her dialog (from yesterday) as the last straw.

After much thought, I realize I’m frightened because all my life I’ve wanted to do well, be good but I have a penchant for messing things up. So, while I know that I’m a person with a good heart I sometimes hate myself because I have hurt people I love. In my most private walled-up area of my heart I’ve always felt I was an awful person that didn’t deserve to be loved. Now, I’m not so sure. The lines are blurring and I see my sister as the person that is awful. I don’t want to be hypocritical or judge her but I do.

I am too tired to participate in my life or change what can be changed so I humbly ask for prayers for me and my family. I pray for my sister to get help, my health and to get out of this house as fast as possible.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

The small things

Lying in bed, trying desperately to fall asleep amid the constant cacophony of my husbands snoring and my BIL’s surround sound system cranked to the highest decibel, my mind starts to replay all that’s wrong with my corner of the world. As I fall into the pit of self pity and the “what if” game I hear a tiny, pure and sweet little meow. I look down at the floor and there sits my beautiful cat. She bats her lovely long eyelashes and meows ever so softly, and then leaps upon my stomach. Granted, 11 pounds of kitty vaulting from the floor onto my stomach isn’t the most comfortable feeling but if you knew my kitty you would understand that just the act of sitting near me is the closest to love she will offer. She was born in the wild and was given to us when she was almost 7 months old. Very rarely is she demonstrative but when she is she puts her heart into it. She lays down on my stomach turns her head and looks at me with her large green eyes. Instinctively, I reach my hand to pet her and she rubs her head on my hand then very gently and with lightening speed bites my hand. I lie back on my pillow, relax and drift off to sleep.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


I don't know if I should feel happy, embarrassed or nothing:

I am nerdier than 41% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

Found on Froggie's blog.