Want to be numb

Random thoughts to follow:

So here’s the deal. Life majorly sucks and I get that…I really get that, to the point where it’s being shoved up my rear and down my throat.

I detest the fact that I’m not a better person, with strength of character and a focus on helping where I can.

I feel completely useless and my inability to judge when I’ve gone too far or not enough frustrates the heck out of me.

I read or watch on TV the gargantuan struggles other people go through and I hate myself for whining about my miniscule tragedies. The old saying, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, makes me feel like a child in a tantrum. It only reinforces that I’m pathetic and I’m not strong enough to handle the least bump in the road.

From the moment of awareness I realized there was something about me that was “off”.

The only reason I’m still hanging on is my faith and I couldn’t bear to hurt the people who love me.

Reason for these random thoughts:

I just found out from my sister that my other niece is acting out quite a lot because her parents are PSYCHO! I don’t write much about my other sister because she is nuts and very hateful. Yes, more so than the sister I’m living with. This niece I will call Hyson and her mother Lucy. I used to live in the same city where Hyson was born but moved away when she was three. It broke my heart to leave her. She has laughing eyes and curly hair. She is beautiful enough to be a model and her giggle can make sun shine through the rain. I left her knowing her parents were ding bats. I left her to save myself. Six years later and she is mentally scarred. What kind of monster am I that I couldn’t stay and help my niece? I’m inconsolable. I understand why I was never gifted with children, I don’t deserve them.