Wicked this way comes

As with most people, we each have a code we live by morals, integrity so on and so forth. Speaking for myself, I try my best to stay true to “my code” and I don’t question other peoples unless they cross the line. For instance (this is simply an example and not related to what is written below), I believe that children and the elderly deserve special care and are at most times pretty defenseless. When someone causes harm to either one, they are crossing the line.

That said, as of last night my sister traversed “The Line”. It’s not that she actually did something but she said something of which I won’t reveal. I’m shocked, disgusted and scared. My mind is spinning constantly with thoughts that are uncomfortable. How far can my love for her stay intact before I won’t forgive her? She is destructive to herself and so deeply wounded on the inside that I wonder if she can prevail over her darker side. I want to leave her home and never go back. I don’t want to be apart of her life. And the ironic part is that what she said had nothing to do with me. My words are cryptic, I know. This situation I’m in is quite a dilemma. You see, it’s more that her words are crossing certain boundaries only because she has laid a foundation of wrongs, one on top of each other, with her dialog (from yesterday) as the last straw.

After much thought, I realize I’m frightened because all my life I’ve wanted to do well, be good but I have a penchant for messing things up. So, while I know that I’m a person with a good heart I sometimes hate myself because I have hurt people I love. In my most private walled-up area of my heart I’ve always felt I was an awful person that didn’t deserve to be loved. Now, I’m not so sure. The lines are blurring and I see my sister as the person that is awful. I don’t want to be hypocritical or judge her but I do.

I am too tired to participate in my life or change what can be changed so I humbly ask for prayers for me and my family. I pray for my sister to get help, my health and to get out of this house as fast as possible.