Dream

Where to begin...hmm? Let me just say that I am a fan of humor, whether dry, weird or even crass. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have been known to laugh at fart or wanker jokes. Okay lets be real, I’m not embarrassed and if a baser joke can make me laugh I’m for it. Laughing is rare where I live so whatever it takes to get me there is gold in my book.

Now, bear with me.

I’m not an avid horror flick type person but I enjoy vampire movies on occasion. I thought the Buffy TV series was well done, hilarious and a bit addictive. Without getting too personal, for me to watch any kind of shows dealing with demons or the “occult” is NOT usual.

Getting closer to my point…

I had a dream last night that totally dumbfounded me. The setting was dark almost like I was floating in space. Off in the distance I could barely make out tiny pinholes of light like stars or constellations. I was not in the dream itself but I could observe everything that took place. I felt like a camera was panning to and fro as I turned my head. In the vastness of space I saw four men: a brunette, (yellowish) blonde and two raven haired leather wearing men. I didn’t feel fear even though they appeared to be floating towards me. As they drew closer they formed a circle with about four feet between each other. I could hear the sound of their voices almost like a light buzzing sound although not loud enough for me to make out what was being said. Inexplicably, the mood changed and if by cue eerie intense music began to play softly. With inhuman force and lighting speed the blonde man turned to the brunette with a grin and then savagely attacked one of the raven-haired men by sinking his newly fanged teeth into the mans neck. It wasn’t a PG version like most vampire bites. It was raw demonic power with sound effects. I was petrified; unable to move even though I knew the men couldn’t see me. I desperately wanted to be anywhere but witnessing this “feasting”. The brunette pinned the other raven-hair guy to keep him from escaping until the blonde man drained the first victim dry.

Even more strange was that all this was happening, as I said before, in space. So when blonde vamp dropped the “dead” man he didn’t fall, he just hung suspended in space in a tilted semi horizontal position on his back. His arms and legs lay limp but extended and open as if he was trying to make a snow angel. I knew what was going to happen next and I tried to look away but my head felt like it was locked in an invisible vise grip. The blonde once again attacked the last dark-haired man and attacked with even more voracity. The deed done, the vamps formed a circle again by standing (in mid air) facing each other about six feet apart, with the two dead men the same distance apart from each vampire but laying in that odd tilted spread eagle position.

Suddenly, a horrendously loud noise erupted from the last victim. It was so sudden that the two vampires jumped almost as if in fear. The noise was deafening and familiar too. Then I realized…it was a fart. Long and loud as if a thousand Whoopee cushions were set off at the same time. Unbelievably, the sound was coming from the dead mans derriere. The blonde vamp floated down about a foot away from the deceased mans bottom, with a smile on his face, sniffs and says, “Ahhhhh, there’s nothing like the smell of a death fart”.

End of dream.

Please tell me I’m not a candidate for the white coat and rubber room.