Suffocating

Today has begun in anger. Yesterday evening my sister’s behavior along with my own wasn’t very “adult”. The past several weeks at one point or another there has been someone sick in our household except my sister. My niece’s illness began last Monday and she has been out of school almost the whole week. My illness seems to always keep getting worse and then I’ll have a brief spell of about several hours a day where I feel I’m getting better. The past two days I’ve lost my voice from coughing or whatever. For three days last week my sister did all the dishes in the house which surprised me. Although, it was actually only her dishes since my husband and I ate on paper plates, ate TV dinners or fast food.

Meanwhile, Stacy (sister) would often remark that she hopes she wasn’t going to get sick because if she did she wouldn’t have anyone to take care of her. This irked me so much. Number one, I take care of myself when I’m sick I’m an adult and I don’t need a “mommy” to baby me. Number two, she did absolutely nothing for me last week or yesterday for that matter. This is the problem with Stacy; she has and always will want to be taken care of. When life gets tough and let’s be honest even when it’s not tough she doles out work to everyone but herself. My BIL isn’t much better but I admire his work ethics. He never misses work and he would practically have to be dying to take a day off.

This leads me to the part about being angry this morning. The past couple of days Stacy has been complaining of a cough (she smokes). She religiously takes her temperature and gets bent out of shape if it’s even 99 degrees. Every minute of the past two days she has been whining about being sick and that no one is taking care of her. Then, you have her daughter who has been sick for a week and is on the mend and quite rambunctious. She is a child that is spoiled, has no sense of responsibility and has everything done for her with regards to cleaning or cooking. She just learned how to heat up a pan of soup on the stove a few weeks ago. She leaves her plates or bowls or drinking cups wherever she used them and has never cleaned dishes in her life. I guess you get the picture.

Last night Stacy was lying on the couch with a hundred blankets and pillows and I walk into the living room after having a nap. I can barley talk or breathe for that matter and I sit down. Immediately my niece zooms in on me as her next victim. I am now supposed to entertain her and keep her in the lifestyle she is accustomed to which is, mommy is slave and Lowella (niece) is master. Trying to be nice because I realize my sister doesn’t feel good I “babysat” for a few hours. Unfortunately, only after a few hours Lowella has turned into what I call the “unruly demander” and my energy is completely spent. Being Lowella’s mother Stacy is very good at assessing her daughter’s mood swings. Stacy conveniently and very stealthily snuck out of the living room before I knew what hit me. Lowella determined to be the life (or death) of everyone’s party split her time between me in the living room and Stacy in her bedroom. Lowella’s antics escalated and at that point I very childishly stormed out of the living room into my room while my niece was yelling she was sorry and that she would be good. I went into my room and lay down on the bed thinking I would go back in the living room after I catch my breath and spend time with Lowella. Regrettably, I fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 4am. When I walked out into the living room it was like a tornado hit the house. Pillows and blankets strewn about the room, used dishes everywhere…just a pigsty. The kitchen was worse. Now, the reason I am angry is that my sister expects me to clean the mess up and watch her daughter so that she can take her heavy duty illicit cough syrup and sleep the next forty-eight hours without being bothered by her husbands or daughters needs.

I’m angry because my sister uses me (and others) and doesn’t take responsibility for her daughter or her marriage. I’m angry that I hurt my niece last night when I stormed into my room. I’m angry that life can be unfair, cruel and illness can rob you of a decent life. And I’m angry that my sister sits in “her kingdom” on her throne doing what ever she wants when ever she wants. Most of all I’m angry that during the most horrible time in my life my sister wasn’t there for me. As my husband and I lived in our car for six months with hardly any food and having to take showers in a Mission while a few women circled me and watched me take a shower (just an arms length from me) because there were no doors or shower curtains and my sister sat at home never once trying to contact us or help in any way. I’m angry that everyday Stacy gets to wake up and go anywhere she wants, do anything she wants and has more money than I will ever need. Her health is fine, she pretty and very thin. She has at her disposal the ability to do anything yet she whines all day and complains that her life is hell. All I ever wanted for my life was a college education, a small home (wouldn’t mind if it was a small trailer either) and a family to love and take care of. I am unable to have children, I’m sick most of the time and for some inexplicable reason life keeps dealing my husband and I the death blow when it comes to jobs and money.

So this is where I am at the moment. And I know the anger will dissolve eventually and I’ll live the best life I can but for a little while the anger just burns through my heart and soul and leaves me breathless.

Also, please ignore the "Read More" link in this post, I still haven't learned how to fix it.