What you tried to say to me

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Just called

Hubby called me today from work just to say, "I love you". No matter how many times he does this it still gives me such a boost.

I love you honey!

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Good day

Today has been surprisingly peaceful and enjoyable. I woke up with another excruciating headache. I was sure it would turn into a migraine but after 800 mg of Motrin it vanished. This lovely gift and a large cup of coffee put me in a happy mood. I'm beginning to feel the effects of the anti-depressants my doctor prescribed. I never thought I would be taking "happy pills" as I call them. The saying, "never say never" is so true at least in my case. I'm just glad all my morbid thoughts about death are gone. Not suicide thoughts, just thoughts about how life would be easier for me and those who love me if I was dead. Funny, I write about how great my day has been but follow it with really deep scary thoughts. It feels good to write about my feelings and thoughts but I'm getting quite peckish so I need to start dinner.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

No words

What would cause some one to get a weapon and shoot at little children? Drugs, Demons...what? I can't fathom what it would take to murder a child. Maybe I'm narrow minded but I say if you kill a child in cold blood you get no trial, just straight to the electric chair.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Free gmail invites

I just realized I have 5 free gmail invitations. I would be happy to give them away.

Comment or send me an email.

Chemically challenged

Feeling quite blue today. Maybe the severity of my situation has reared its ugly head or maybe it's just hormonal. I don't want to do anything except sleep but that's just not possible.

I firmly believe I have a chemical imbalance. Life is so precious and I certainly don't deserve my life. There are so many human beings suffering more than I, yet I still whine. UGH! I wish I could have been there when God chose me for my life, I would have told him to pass it on to someone else, I'll only make a mess of it.

Changing the subject...

How do you help someone believe in his or her own abilities? I have a friend that took one of those stupid online IQ tests and she scored a 91. According to the test maker's 91 is an "average" score. Unfortunately, her husband is brilliant and most of her other friends scored much higher on the IQ test. To me her test score wasn’t reflective of her true IQ. She is by no means a genius but she has a problem with focusing (possibly ADD) which may be the root of the problem. If anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate the help.


Friday, September 24, 2004

Chirp chirp

When boiling eggs, sometimes it sounds like baby chickens chirping. Why is that and why only occasionlly? It totally freaks me out.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Drew and Diane

What are the odds of Drew getting together with Diane after Big Brother? I'm curious to know if Drew used Diane or vice-versa. It appears that Drew thought Diane was on the trashy side, if what Marvin said was the truth. My romantic self is hoping that Drew will continue the relationship outside of the game but I'm not holding my breath.

Enough said, lesson learned.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Texas heat

I feel like a wilted flower. Come on Winter!

Sunday, September 19, 2004

My first quiz

You're Brigitte Bardot!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Saturday, September 18, 2004


I’ve often wondered what it felt like to be beautiful. The power must be intoxicating. To walk into a room and know that your wishes could be granted, within reason and to have the adoration of the majority of people you meet, wow. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t an ugly duckling growing up and I was told quite often that my eyes were mesmerizing but I didn’t feel pretty. I felt average. Now that I’m older and I’ve taken a second glance at my childhood photos, I can see that I was once beautiful. I’m glad I wasn’t aware of my outer beauty when I was young because when the beauty fades (and it fades fast) it can be quite devastating. Watching my older sister deal with aging is just sad.

Friday, September 17, 2004

One of those days

For those of you who love their mothers, never take them for granted. I have spent almost half my life without my mom. She was a treasure beyond compare. My biggest regret is that she never got to hear me apologize for being such a selfish spoiled child. I still remember her smell and sometimes when I'm really sick I can feel her hand on my forehead in a caress.

Don't let the moment pass to tell her, "I love you".

Thursday, September 16, 2004

One or the other but never both

It took me a long time to finally marry. I wanted marriage and I imagined mine would be a great thing. One of the reason's I waited was because after watching my parent's marriage (not pretty) I was afraid of making the same mistake. Another reason and perhaps the most important was I wanted to find someone like me. A person that REALLY understood me and loved me still. I came close to this person. We were great friends and there was a bond that only one thing could break. And that was the fact that she was a she. I am not attracted to females and sex and intimacy is something I could not live without. So I feel I've lost out in away. I gave up the deep spiritual friendship for the sex. I love my husband but I feel that I have settled.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The expendable sister

I don't think I can take one more day living with my sister and her family. I'm tired of being treated like I'm the lowest of low. My husband is also tired of the BullS--t too. We have no where else to go except back to living in our small car. I'm almost at the point where I would rather go through the horrors of living in the car again. What gives certain people the belief that they are good, deserving, caring and kind when for the most part they are just the opposite? Can they not see how cruel they are?

Tuesday, September 14, 2004


Gerard Butler...mmm good.

I recently saw a movie called "Timeline" starring Gerard Butler and he has me purring.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Big Brother

Big Brother and Survivor are two of my favorite "reality" TV shows. I love watching each person’s personality unfold and as base as it sounds I love the drama. What I dislike is when the contestants accuse other players of a certain bad behavior or of "playing the game" dishonestly when they themselves have played the same way.

For example, Alana (changed names) evicts Bill from the game. Bill becomes enraged, calling Alana evil and wicked and he claims that Alana swore she would never evict him. Of course Alana did swear that she would never evict him but first of all it's a game and second (most important) Bill conspired with another contestant with plans to evict Alana BEFORE she ever considered kicking him out. Alana was just lucky enough to win the power to evict him before Bill evicted her. So why does he think he is more deserving or honest than Alana? I call people like him baby pouters.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Unraveling the mystery of me

My life is full...full of crap. I've decided to limit my posts so as not to overwhelm my readers (if there are any) with the sheer madness of my existence. The tiny peek I give you today concerns my relationship with my sister, her husband and their young daughter. You see, I have lived my entire life without the aid of anti-depressants. I don't drink alcohol socially or at home and I don't take illegal drugs. BUT, after living only three months with my sister and her family (my husband and I are financially strapped which is a major understatement) I have been prescribed a high dosage of anti-depressants and Xanax for panic attacks. My family members, all of them not just my sister, are the type of people that bow to the shrine of the all mighty dollar. Don't get me wrong, I love them all in a Christian sense but if I were not related to them I would not associate with them. That sounds so harsh and it hurts to think it let alone write it but they can be so awful sometimes.

Getting back to what I initially wanted to write. I just had another panic attack because the sis and hubby are fighting again. Not physical fighting, but the kind that involves me. They drag me into everything and want me to side with each other. Underneath the daily mental wars are real problems that neither one wants to face. Both have legitimate concerns about the other but no compromise is taking place. To top it off both have addictions and these addictions are keeping them from the root problem, which I believe is their marriage isn't working.

After all the daily drama, and the fact that I have a huge load of baggage that I haven't been able to deal with I'm a basket case. So, until I am able to pay for a psychiatrist to help me take care of said baggage or money to move out I feel like I'm struggling for air. I'm shaking even as I write, and even though I know my family has wounded me deeply I still feel guilty that I put them in a bad light.

I want to thank a blogger named Froggie. I read that she started blogging in part to help with her depression and because of her I've decided to give it a try. She is a wonderful young woman with a full life and many interesting postings.

You don't know me but THANK YOU for giving me the courage to start this blog!