What you tried to say to me

Thursday, April 27, 2006

No time to proof, sorry for any mistakes

I am in a mood today and I’m not sure what’s causing this mood swing. Usually, my days are filled with a mixture of depression, sadness and bits of hope. Today…I’m just so angry. Yes, being in constant pain is part of my anger but there is a rage deep inside that is heating to a boil. I don’t want to be diplomatic with the people around me. I don’t want to make small talk or exchange pleasantries. I want to scream at everyone around me that they are all fools.

To my sister: Don’t look at me with that ridiculous expression and ask me why your daughter is so spoiled and why she NEVER does what she is told. For twelve years you’ve never made her mind and you can’t expect her to just suddenly develop into a responsible, accountable, willing to take orders kind of child. Also, don’t call your daughter a “bitch” when she is demanding and surly during the morning ritual of getting ready for school. Calling your daughter a bitch is inappropriate and just ugly.

And for goodness sake, don’t come to me digging for information concerning your husband’s latest depression. You’ve alienated him to the point that I wouldn’t be surprised if he asks you for a divorce.

Last but not least, don’t you dare act like you are the martyred saint in our dysfunctional household and that you can’t take the living situation anymore when my husband is paying your house payment every month because your husband, for what ever reasons, can’t/won’t find a job. The arrangement we have now is mutually beneficial but even more so for you because it keeps you from losing your retirement savings. Our dad may be falling for your sob story but then he’s been lied to so much by you he wouldn’t know the truth if it knocked him upside the head.

To my BIL: It took you long enough to see the mess you made of your marriage and your life. It took you long enough to see my sister for the person she really is. Payback is such a harsh lesson. When you purposely set out to destroy my relationship with my own father karma tends to eventually creep up and wreak havoc on you.

And just because you are going through a “tough” time and you finally realize what me and my husband went through for years (and without family to fall back on) don’t act like you are sorry for me. Don’t act like we have somehow bonded over life’s hardships because my husband didn’t ask to be laid off from his job while you were fired for criminal behavior. I didn’t ask to get a disease that is draining my life slowly, painfully and financially. The difference between you and I is huge. You are such a wimp. Get up, grow up and take charge. You had everything…and you lost it all because you couldn’t stay on the wagon. Don’t get me wrong, I understand addiction but don’t you ever compare your situation to mine.

Thank you blog/Internet for letting me vent so as not to start a major war with my family.


Unfortunately, I’m still raging inside. I’ve kept such a tight lid on my anger for so many years. I don’t know if I can manage my anger in a constructive way, if that’s possible but venting what’s in my heart onto my blog might be my way to cope while doing the least damage.

Caffeine driven- Something about your words had a major calming effect on me. Like a cool breeze on an extremely hot muggy day. Thank you!

Corry- I appreciate (beyond words) your prayer for me. Directly after reading your comment I felt God’s guiding touch, as if warning me not to drown in my anger and to be prudent with how I handle myself.

Dawn Marie- In response to your query, “I hope this helps”, indeed it does! Your loyalty to me is something I don’t deserve and can’t fathom. What ever the reason I cherish all your comments and I take them all to heart.

Thank you all for your comments!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Four reasons why I know I’m a slice short of a full loaf

When I watch vampire movies I clutch my neck with my left hand…always. If fact, most of the time it’s like an involuntary motion. If I try to hold off, the right side of my neck tingles unbearably until I place my hand in the correct position.

I detest the feel of my own hair on my neck, forehead or ears. I usually wear a pony tail or a loose bun.

This quirk drives me and other people batty. Every drawer or cabinet in the house must be closed. My sister has a habit of leaving drawers half open or a bit ajar. Where ever I go in the house I’m constantly closing drawers or cabinets.

I love water to a painful degree. Not drinking water but oceans, seas, lakes, rivers, or swimming pools. The feel of water all around me is intoxicating. The rocking motion of waves is incredibly soothing to me. I will sit through a truly lousy movie if there are many ocean shots or scuba diving.

Okay, now it’s your turn to confess…

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

It's all in the timing

Does anyone else find it a bit ironic that Brooke Shields gave birth to a daughter the same day as Katie Holmes? With all the “discussions” between Brooke and Tom Cruise regarding childbirth and post-partum depression it just seems… oddly amusing.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Calling Julie Chen

Today is a day for whining…not really. I’m just getting a wee bit restless waiting for Big Brother 7 to start airing. I haven’t found any updates regarding the season premiere, therefore, I’m wondering/hoping that the show hasn’t been cancelled.

And now, would all you very kind people up north, especially Canada, blow some cold air down here to Texas? I believe we set a record yesterday with a high of 101 degrees. Heat + Maryrose = One very cranky woman! ;-)

Monday, April 17, 2006

Looking glass

It has been two weeks since my “Away” post. It feels like only two days ago that I wrote that post, yet, the two week absence felt like a lifetime too. How can time appear to be passing at two different rates of speed? Eh, who knows?

I’m changing. Not a profound change, just little minor tweaks. Days spent in reflection have helped me to see me without the rose-colored glasses. Thus, I’ve been more realistic about my past misdeeds/self-absorption and more accountable for them also. Along with the bad, my peek in the mirror has shown me the good as well. As crazy as it sounds, I’ve never owned up to my kinder, sweeter side. I’ve often been told that I’m a sweet, generous and loving person and I’ve even spoken those very words myself but deep down in the darkest corner of my heart I’ve always pictured myself as a monster or a villain. Guilt, self-doubt and listening to certain people one too many times must have branded this unhealthy self-hate into all parts of my brain. Thankfully, the villainous monster image is fading as my mental state slowly heals. I’m far from my goal of a more balanced healthy mindset but I like the changes so far.

On the other hand, I regret that my blogging has suffered. I’m still not able to return to my normal blogging routine, which was reading my favorite blogs (daily) and sending emails or comments to blogger friends new or old. To all of you who read my blog and continue to comment THANK YOU! I’ll admit I’m selfish, I enjoy reading your comments and hope they never stop but I understand that I’m asking for a one-sided relationship. I know I can’t continue this way forever it is so unfair…

Thanks again, friends.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A quiz till I return

You Belong in Amsterdam

A little old fashioned, a little modern - you're the best of both worlds. And so is Amsterdam.
Whether you want to be a squatter graffiti artist or a great novelist, Amsterdam has all that you want in Europe (in one small city).

Monday, April 03, 2006


I’m sorry to say that I will be taking another short break from blogging. :-(

For starters my computer is in need of repair or a good nuking. It acts like it has a virus but I’ve done many virus checks and the results always come up “No infections”.

Second, I love blogging but in my current state of mind I’m unable to respond to any comments.

I pray for strength to work past my recent mental struggles and I pray that all is well with you wonderful Internet friends. I will return to blogging in a week or two.

Love to all!