Pulling the dagger from my heart

I can never share my feelings (mine aren’t valid), never talk about my experiences (mine are always not as bad) and I must never try to relate because I’ve never been a mother and I can’t possibly believe that my life could EVER be worse or even come close to the hell my sister is living in.

This is the part of the “cycle” where my sister grows increasingly depressed and complains that her husband treats her like a doormat. She cries often, her behavior is akin to the “woe is me” attitude and when we are alone she goes on and on about what “he” has done to her life. She swears she is going to divorce him but she never does. The past two days she has laid on the pitiful act really thick and yes she has some valid points about her husband’s actions that he needs to address but holy cannoli she has plenty to work on too. As I’ve stated before they are both in denial.

Unfortunately for me, during this cycle she appears to be losing it. It’s not unfortunate for me that I have to hear her constant complaining but what I mean is that she does nothing to resolve her issues. This is a tidbit of an earlier conversation with my sister:

(Walking briskly towards me and speaking in a loud demanding manic tone)

Sis: We need to have an intervention. YOU need to talk to him (BIL) and tell him how badly he treats me.

Me: I don’t think that will help. He hates when I get involved with your marital problems.

Sis: No, no, no, no, you have to talk to him and MAKE HIM SEE. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him how crappy he is as a husband. He’s ruined my whole life and when I tell him this he doesn’t even try to make up for what he’s done.

Me: (Feeling claustrophobic by her demands) But, I’ve said all these things to him before and he didn’t listen so what makes you think he’ll listen now?

Sis: You’re smart, MAKE HIM LISTEN!

Shortly after midnight (I’m up late because I’ve taken to sleeping during the day to get away from my family members and because my husband snores like a banshee) my sister walks into the kitchen just as I was putting away the last of the clean dishes and I notice she is crying so hard her eyes are bright red. She walks up to me and puts her arms around me (this is absurdly rare) and of course I hug her gently while trying to soothe her but she only lets me hug her for a brief second.

Sis: I can’t sleep. I hate my life, I just want to die.

Me: I’m so sorry and I know how you feel about wanting to die.

Sis: How could you? You have no children and you have a husband that would do anything for you. You have a great life. You don’t know what it’s like to stay alive just for your child, all the while hiding your pain from her. Your life is so easy and you’ll never know what hardship is unless you have children.

She took her second sleeping pill and then she walked away without another word.

I stand alone in the kitchen. Alone. Alone.

I have no children because I couldn’t conceive you witch. I live everyday with mental, physical and emotional pain and I’ve come close to dying and losing my eyesight. I’ve experienced so much hate and raw pain that I wish I was dead…everyday of my life not just on days when my husband doesn’t coddle me! Why does she feel so entitled to the “life sucks” card? More than that, I’ve never hurt her, so why does she always thrust her dagger into my heart. Talk about being a doormat.