Letting go

I’m giving up, the chance that I can ever have a decent relationship with my sister (or family) is nil. I can’t keep putting my heart on the line only to have them trash it. My self worth dips to new lows every time I’m faced with the ugliness that spews out of my family’s mouths. I just don’t get it. I don’t feel I’ve done the unthinkable or lived a life that would push my father to cut me out of his life with such finality. I have two views; my friends and husband feel I am wonderfully sweet and giving. My father feels I’m a “drain on society” because I can’t hold down a job and I have no medical insurance. I’ve never been arrested, never put in jail or even spoken to a law enforcement officer except to call for help for one of my neighbors who was being attacked. I’m exceedingly kind and never speak maliciously about anyone. I don’t abuse drugs and I only drink alcohol maybe once or twice a year. I don’t steal, I generally don’t cuss and I’m as responsible as I can be in any given situation. What I was as a teenager and early twenties was a rebellious, potty mouthed, spoil brat that was dealing with a boat-load of baggage from my early years when I was sexually molested. I made plenty of mistakes and made my mother worry…a lot. That part of my past is over. The worst you could say about me now is that I’m a whiner. But because I’ve put my father in the hot seat by asking him for money a time or two I am a leper, leech, louse and the lowest form of human. I don’t know if its fate nor do I understand why but my husband and I have always had financial woes. Since we’ve been married I’ve been laid off from work (when I was working) twice and my husband three times. The last lay-off drained us of our savings and dignity as my husband was unable to find a job within a year and a half and we ended up living in our car for six months. The killer part is that at that point we hadn’t asked my father for anything for years. In fact, we didn’t ask him for anything while we were living in our car. I wrote him a long email and updated him on our situation but I never asked for money. He in turn, wrote back a nasty letter claiming that I was horrible and selfish and that there were people in the world that had “real” problems and that I needed to grow up and get a job. Fed up, I wrote him exactly how I felt about his letter (using only facts not spitefulness) and that’s when he disowned me and cut me totally out of his life.

With my father throwing me away, my older sister decided to follow suit. She no longer calls me or emails me but I do get a birthday card once a year. My brother who used to be my buddy growing up has decided that my father was correct in his assessment that I need to quit playing games and grow up and find a job. The clincher is, none of these family members knows or cares how I’m doing or have been doing in the past three years. They have all written me off. Even the sister I live with treats me like a second-class citizen. Just yesterday she let me know that when I move out she wouldn’t be the one to keep our relationship going. None of them acknowledge my illnesses. When I was diagnosed at age 27 my father acted like the disease wasn’t even a real disease. Even after reading my medical history from my medical chart he still acted like I was making it up. It was and still is infuriating.

I’m the one being shoved aside, put out to pasture yet my family members have done some pretty despicable things. Why does my father hold my siblings to his breast with love and concern and not me? The biggest part is my sisters desire to be Daddy’s favorite and they fill his head with outrageous lies about me. One day I’ll have to give you an example but my hands are too tired to type.

My heart is so profoundly sad.