What you tried to say to me

Friday, February 25, 2005

Bad day

Pitch dark. I’m getting closer to the beginning of the end. I feel a diagnosis is around the corner and I feel fatalistic about the outcome. It’s as if I’ve been waiting for it my whole life. The innate compulsion to survive, to live, is agonizingly slowly seeping out of my pores.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Time out

Just in to say I'm sorry for the disappearing act and my lack of comments or posts. I owe several people e-mails and hopefully I will be able to get to them soon.

At the moment, I am just not up to much conversation. Simply put, I'm not feeling well (as usual) and I was given a new medication that has nasty side effects.


Sunday, February 13, 2005


Today has begun in anger. Yesterday evening my sister’s behavior along with my own wasn’t very “adult”. The past several weeks at one point or another there has been someone sick in our household except my sister. My niece’s illness began last Monday and she has been out of school almost the whole week. My illness seems to always keep getting worse and then I’ll have a brief spell of about several hours a day where I feel I’m getting better. The past two days I’ve lost my voice from coughing or whatever. For three days last week my sister did all the dishes in the house which surprised me. Although, it was actually only her dishes since my husband and I ate on paper plates, ate TV dinners or fast food.

Meanwhile, Stacy (sister) would often remark that she hopes she wasn’t going to get sick because if she did she wouldn’t have anyone to take care of her. This irked me so much. Number one, I take care of myself when I’m sick I’m an adult and I don’t need a “mommy” to baby me. Number two, she did absolutely nothing for me last week or yesterday for that matter. This is the problem with Stacy; she has and always will want to be taken care of. When life gets tough and let’s be honest even when it’s not tough she doles out work to everyone but herself. My BIL isn’t much better but I admire his work ethics. He never misses work and he would practically have to be dying to take a day off.

This leads me to the part about being angry this morning. The past couple of days Stacy has been complaining of a cough (she smokes). She religiously takes her temperature and gets bent out of shape if it’s even 99 degrees. Every minute of the past two days she has been whining about being sick and that no one is taking care of her. Then, you have her daughter who has been sick for a week and is on the mend and quite rambunctious. She is a child that is spoiled, has no sense of responsibility and has everything done for her with regards to cleaning or cooking. She just learned how to heat up a pan of soup on the stove a few weeks ago. She leaves her plates or bowls or drinking cups wherever she used them and has never cleaned dishes in her life. I guess you get the picture.

Last night Stacy was lying on the couch with a hundred blankets and pillows and I walk into the living room after having a nap. I can barley talk or breathe for that matter and I sit down. Immediately my niece zooms in on me as her next victim. I am now supposed to entertain her and keep her in the lifestyle she is accustomed to which is, mommy is slave and Lowella (niece) is master. Trying to be nice because I realize my sister doesn’t feel good I “babysat” for a few hours. Unfortunately, only after a few hours Lowella has turned into what I call the “unruly demander” and my energy is completely spent. Being Lowella’s mother Stacy is very good at assessing her daughter’s mood swings. Stacy conveniently and very stealthily snuck out of the living room before I knew what hit me. Lowella determined to be the life (or death) of everyone’s party split her time between me in the living room and Stacy in her bedroom. Lowella’s antics escalated and at that point I very childishly stormed out of the living room into my room while my niece was yelling she was sorry and that she would be good. I went into my room and lay down on the bed thinking I would go back in the living room after I catch my breath and spend time with Lowella. Regrettably, I fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 4am. When I walked out into the living room it was like a tornado hit the house. Pillows and blankets strewn about the room, used dishes everywhere…just a pigsty. The kitchen was worse. Now, the reason I am angry is that my sister expects me to clean the mess up and watch her daughter so that she can take her heavy duty illicit cough syrup and sleep the next forty-eight hours without being bothered by her husbands or daughters needs.

I’m angry because my sister uses me (and others) and doesn’t take responsibility for her daughter or her marriage. I’m angry that I hurt my niece last night when I stormed into my room. I’m angry that life can be unfair, cruel and illness can rob you of a decent life. And I’m angry that my sister sits in “her kingdom” on her throne doing what ever she wants when ever she wants. Most of all I’m angry that during the most horrible time in my life my sister wasn’t there for me. As my husband and I lived in our car for six months with hardly any food and having to take showers in a Mission while a few women circled me and watched me take a shower (just an arms length from me) because there were no doors or shower curtains and my sister sat at home never once trying to contact us or help in any way. I’m angry that everyday Stacy gets to wake up and go anywhere she wants, do anything she wants and has more money than I will ever need. Her health is fine, she pretty and very thin. She has at her disposal the ability to do anything yet she whines all day and complains that her life is hell. All I ever wanted for my life was a college education, a small home (wouldn’t mind if it was a small trailer either) and a family to love and take care of. I am unable to have children, I’m sick most of the time and for some inexplicable reason life keeps dealing my husband and I the death blow when it comes to jobs and money.

So this is where I am at the moment. And I know the anger will dissolve eventually and I’ll live the best life I can but for a little while the anger just burns through my heart and soul and leaves me breathless.

Also, please ignore the "Read More" link in this post, I still haven't learned how to fix it.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Just when you think you have it...

Crappers, I thought I finally figured out how to make an expandable post but now all my posts have the "Read More" link. I only want the link for my "Dream" post. I don't know how to fix this and I'm a bit frustrated...she says as she rocks back and forth humming nonsensical sounds...


Where to begin...hmm? Let me just say that I am a fan of humor, whether dry, weird or even crass. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have been known to laugh at fart or wanker jokes. Okay lets be real, I’m not embarrassed and if a baser joke can make me laugh I’m for it. Laughing is rare where I live so whatever it takes to get me there is gold in my book.

Now, bear with me.

I’m not an avid horror flick type person but I enjoy vampire movies on occasion. I thought the Buffy TV series was well done, hilarious and a bit addictive. Without getting too personal, for me to watch any kind of shows dealing with demons or the “occult” is NOT usual.

Getting closer to my point…

I had a dream last night that totally dumbfounded me. The setting was dark almost like I was floating in space. Off in the distance I could barely make out tiny pinholes of light like stars or constellations. I was not in the dream itself but I could observe everything that took place. I felt like a camera was panning to and fro as I turned my head. In the vastness of space I saw four men: a brunette, (yellowish) blonde and two raven haired leather wearing men. I didn’t feel fear even though they appeared to be floating towards me. As they drew closer they formed a circle with about four feet between each other. I could hear the sound of their voices almost like a light buzzing sound although not loud enough for me to make out what was being said. Inexplicably, the mood changed and if by cue eerie intense music began to play softly. With inhuman force and lighting speed the blonde man turned to the brunette with a grin and then savagely attacked one of the raven-haired men by sinking his newly fanged teeth into the mans neck. It wasn’t a PG version like most vampire bites. It was raw demonic power with sound effects. I was petrified; unable to move even though I knew the men couldn’t see me. I desperately wanted to be anywhere but witnessing this “feasting”. The brunette pinned the other raven-hair guy to keep him from escaping until the blonde man drained the first victim dry.

Even more strange was that all this was happening, as I said before, in space. So when blonde vamp dropped the “dead” man he didn’t fall, he just hung suspended in space in a tilted semi horizontal position on his back. His arms and legs lay limp but extended and open as if he was trying to make a snow angel. I knew what was going to happen next and I tried to look away but my head felt like it was locked in an invisible vise grip. The blonde once again attacked the last dark-haired man and attacked with even more voracity. The deed done, the vamps formed a circle again by standing (in mid air) facing each other about six feet apart, with the two dead men the same distance apart from each vampire but laying in that odd tilted spread eagle position.

Suddenly, a horrendously loud noise erupted from the last victim. It was so sudden that the two vampires jumped almost as if in fear. The noise was deafening and familiar too. Then I realized…it was a fart. Long and loud as if a thousand Whoopee cushions were set off at the same time. Unbelievably, the sound was coming from the dead mans derriere. The blonde vamp floated down about a foot away from the deceased mans bottom, with a smile on his face, sniffs and says, “Ahhhhh, there’s nothing like the smell of a death fart”.

End of dream.

Please tell me I’m not a candidate for the white coat and rubber room.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

From A to Z

Holy crap, I just found out that I have FIFTY gmail invites! Please take them from me.

I’ve been so busy reading other people’s blogs lately that I’ve forgotten to write something for my own. First, I’m still sick. Still feeling like an elephant is napping on my chest. There is much coughing taking place and the mucus…YUCK…EWWWWW…I hate snot, in my nose, in my lungs or anywhere. It’s all just so much fun.

My life, of late, consists of a few things: TV, reading, blogging, Internet research (for pleasure) and avoiding my sister, BIL and niece. As for TV (and I watch a lot) there are a few shows that I make sure I don’t miss. This season they are Lost, Medium, The Simpson’s, Third Watch and 24. I won’t apologize for my love of Reality shows either. I never miss Survivor, Amazing Race or Big Brother. I am a people watcher. I enjoy trying to see how perceptive I am and if my first impression of a cast member is correct or way off. I love to hear other people’s stories and life struggles. Even though I know the reality shows are edited and quite contrived, I still enjoy them. I’d like to hear what other people are watching. Any new shows or old shows worth watching let me know!

Friday, February 04, 2005

I'm so impressed

Here is to all the bloggers out there that are struggling to lose weight! In my opinion, it is the hardest battle I’ve ever faced. Even when I quit smoking many years ago the level of hardship didn’t come close to the hell of losing weight.

Froggie, Zoe and all others working towards their weight loss goals you have my utmost admiration!

Sore throat

Sheesh, I'm sick again. I got only a four day reprieve and I'm back to feeling miserable. I'd go back to bed but I can't breathe when I lay down. Wah, Wah, Wah!

Anyone else feeling this crappy you have my sympathy. :-)