Still here, don’t know how and wish I wasn’t
With that said… I’ve barely kept this blog alive. I want to apologize to all my friends new and old, Internet or in my daily life. Ironically, I feel the same about my blog as I do my life. I don’t have the energy for either but I promised my loved ones I would fight. Too bad I didn’t promise to be courageous, witty and kind. I’m cranky, angry and I just want to scream.
I have two more ct scans to go through in the next month and a half, a heart stress test and about three other procedures I can’t pronounce or spell. One doctor feels it’s highly probable that I have cancer in my stomach, another doctor has mentioned maybe throat cancer and last but not least, the latest specialist is very certain my ailment is due to heart problems.
My worst fears are coming to fruition. I’m going to die slowly, painfully and leave my poor husband with so much debt that he’ll never financially recover. Hell, we are still so far in debt now, what’s a few hundred thousand dollars more?
Must stop being so morbid…I just can’t help the crashing waves of emotion coursing through my heart, soul and mind.
Dreams…who knew how evil and tortuous dreams could be but at the same time they are all I live for. In my dreams I can still run, breathe easy, talk, sing and just live in full Technicolor splendor. My body is alive, free and pulsating with the essence of existing. Then, I wake up and reality sucks away the pure and simple pleasures that I took for granted for so long.
Yes, I’m a very overly dramatic person and for all I know I could merely have a benign tumor in my throat that could be dealt with safely through medication or surgery. Maybe after all the test results have been analyzed and the doctor consultations I’ll be reassured and I’ll be right as rain in no time. But this is ME, my life has been a train wreck from the get go and I’ve been waiting for the “good times” that everyone speaks about but they never come.
Now, getting to the gist of this little blog post…There are many lovely human beings in the world and I’ve had the pleasure of communicating with them through my blog. I want these people to know how much you have impacted my life and given me strength to face life head on. I miss spending time with you all. I miss our back and forth chatter. At the moment, I can’t keep up. I refuse to end this blog but I can only post sparingly. I appreciate you all and I am awed at how many of you wonderful friends have stuck by me even though I don’t reciprocate. Thank you.
Froggie
Kay-ron
Zoe
Also, please don’t be offended if I left your name from the above list. I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree of late, what with all the meds I’m taking.
P.S. Janelle won VH1’s Reality Star of 2006…GO JANIE!
posted by Maryrose @ 6:05 AM
10 Comments:
I love you and just trust in god to help you through this. You've never been one to give up, so keep fighting. I know it's easy for me to say but I am not ready to let go of you yet. Call me selfish, but I like having my friends around for a long time.
Kay ron
ps don't dream it be it
Well...the previous comment says pretty much what I wanted to say to you. :-)
I can understand very well how you feel, but it's time when God decides it is. In the meantime we can't quit. God would want us to make the best of it, so let's at least try to do so. He is always with you and will never leave you!
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Know you are loved :-)
God's Grace.
mary rose, don't you ever give up. keep fighting. i am always praying for you. try to look at things on a different angle. like what anonymous said, i like having my friends around for a long time too. if that's being selfish then so be it.
i love you, girl. a lot of us here do. and so does God. =)
Hey girlfriend, just wanted to drop a line and tell you I love you, and I'm always here for you okay? Much much love, Lala (formerly Zoe)
Don't give up mary rose! As your friends we'll always ALWAYS be here for you no matter what.
Lean on us hon, it's what we're here for, we'll support you in any way we can.
Hugest hugs and much love coming your way. You're in my thoughts at this time.
*HUGS* We're here for you girlie! I'll keep you and your family in my prayers
still here and keeping you in my thoughts. Hang in there. You are a strong woman. Like you said this could be something very small. Thats is how we'll pray.
Hey there. You know if I could make it all better for you, I surely would. All I can do is the only thing I know how to do. I'll pray for peace and strength for you...and healing, of course. Have the best Christmas you possibly can.
Mary Rose,
I read each post, and find myself at a loss for words each time... I feel like I can only give the same words... I pray for you when I read your posts, I pray for you when I see your blog name in my aggregator, and there are times in my day you are on my heart. My comments don't reflect that, but it's true. I don't know what to say to help, and I am not vain enough to believe they will but... I just want to say again, I care and pray for you... where words are few, and even unknown - the Lord knows your pain and he has seen your faithfulness...
With hope and love,
Jenny
Surfed in off BlogExplosion... have you gotten some counseling? That might be very helpful for working through your feelings. Anger, frustration, and discouragment are such a drain on the body and soul and you don't have to feel that way, no matter what we're going through. Been there. Wishing you a happier mind and spirit, regardless of the body, in 2007...if our body defines us, we truly are missing life. Peace to you dear one.
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