Agonizing over decisions

Awhile back I was reading Hedy’s blog and something she wrote just knocked my socks off. Life is 10% action and 90% reaction. My life has been one of reacting and mostly negatively. The moment I read those words I made a promise to myself to change and be accountable for my actions and how I handled my life. My efforts in this matter have been nothing short of valiant but old habits are hard to break and if I don’t make a concerted effort I slip back into old patterns. I did something today that I don’t quite understand and I’m conflicted about my behavior, was it just anger, spite or heart felt.

In a nutshell…I’ve been corresponding with an old friend I’ve known since I was a teenager, via emails, about 2 to 3 times a month. This friend at one time was a very close confidant. Then we both went in different directions due to jobs and then our circles changed when I got married. Later, my husband and I moved from the east coast to west and she was heavy into a relationship and we really lost touch. Somehow we kept reconnecting and recently (past two years) we’ve kept in touch through emails. Today, I received an email from her and I wrote back a very honest but disturbing (to me) reply. During our friendship, I’ve always felt like the one that put more effort into the friendship. It’s more complicated but the email I sent her today was a real eye-opener.

I guess I’m just fed up with people taking advantage of me. Not once in my life have I ever had the nerve to say what I really felt about any given situation. Why did my mind snap today and let the truth come flowing out, and why to a friend that I want to remain my friend. After she reads the email I’m not sure what her reaction will be.

UPDATE:
My friend emailed me back a wonderful letter explaining her behavior with a very nice apology. I realize now that standing up for myself can end badly also but I'm happy that in this instance it ended so positively. :-)