What you tried to say to me

My beloved friends

2009-04-11T13:48:00.004-05:00

Being that tomorrow is the day I cherish more than any other I'd like to say....

I love you Corry and Pia! I'm sorry I've been gone so long and left you without a "goodbye". I've never stopped praying for you and never stopped loving you and I never will.

Home is a Honda CR-V

2009-04-04T23:38:00.004-05:00

Back. Time has sped by and my life is still the same. After four years of living with my sister I've run the gamut of my illnesses, my husband has been laid off (Thanksgiving of 2008) and we are now back...living in our car. My sister and BIL deemed us unworthy as roommates due to our lack of funds and inability to pay rent. What a swell family.

My mental health has spiraled downward and I'm now addicted to cutting. I'm on many medications for depression and what not but the power of cutting is intoxicating.

Changing the subject. Hubby and I spend our days looking for places to park, find places to shower and obtain internet access so that he can look for jobs. I desire the internet access to feed my other obsession which is all things, "Twilight". I'm also addicted to Robert Pattinson and I know that makes me a 48 year old cougar but you have to be nuts if you think I care. Living is so hard. Give me fantasy, good dreams (if I can sleep) and anything to take away the pain of a broken heart caused by the evil done by my family.

Limbo of hell

2007-09-08T00:32:00.000-05:00

I sat in the broken down chair, one hand held a large hand filled with pills the other hand a bottle of water. As if in slow motion the left hand slowly drew closer to my mouth. Closer. Closer still. My hand so close I could smell the bitter odor of the pills. My lips parted. I felt such joy, such power and the end to my pain was only an inch from my mouth.

Why the fuck did I stop? Why did I put those pills of mercy back in the bottle? I have no one. I get sympathy and people that claim they "know" but they don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they could feel my pain for one second I think they would die instantly.

And for heavens sake don't pity me. I'm not to be pitied. I don't want anyone to care, I don't want anyone comforting me. I just want the pain to stop.

A return

2007-06-22T03:27:00.000-05:00

Isn't this an odd feeling? I've been away so long...I don't feel like I belong. I've let a lot of people down and I'm sorry about that. I just needed a change. One day I sat down and skimmed over all my posts and realized that the current theme was one of negativity and lack of change.

Sad to say, nothing in my life has changed. I'm still living with my sister, I'm still sick and money is always a problem.

I found an interesting group of people with a different focus than mine and have been spending time chatting with them on a message board. It was fun for awhile. I got away from all my problems and "met" some truly awesome people. But the same thing is happening there that happened here. I get to a point where everyone is moving on with their lives yet I'm still stuck in this quirky limbo.

What to do, what to do. I don't see a future for me. How is my life ever going to be lived if I can't participate? I guess this needs to be my focus. Growth, change and all that philosophical stuff sounds wonderful in theory but when you have a crippling illness...change is attitude only. I don't want to be sunshine and sweetness any more. I don't want to be the kind loving person that forgives and sits back and watches life pass her by. I want to be angry. I want to say my honest thoughts instead of politically correct crap.

They shoot horses don't they?

She's been gone

2007-03-31T07:34:00.000-05:00

Oops, sorry I haven't posted in sooooooooo long. I've been very sick and...I found a new passion. I belong to this forum and we talk about "stuff". Very cryptic I know but it's a secret.

TTFN

At the end of the day or my open "dumpsville" letter to WK

2007-02-25T03:30:00.000-06:00

Will, what is the matter with you? Do you not get the enormity of what you are giving up? She is a light shining so bright and so filled with kindness, generosity and intelligence. You are not worthy to be a part of her life unless you are man enough to admit the truth and grab the brass ring.

From this day forward, you no longer exist. Your life will pale in comparison to what might have been.

Stepping down from my soapbox.

Happy Valentines Day gifts for me…nudge, nudge, say no more…

2007-02-14T00:24:00.000-06:00

This is my list of hot, charismatic, gorgeous or sexy men:

Bam Margera

Christian Bale

Clive Owens

Daniel Dae Kim

David Bowie

Eddie Izzard

Eric Bana

Errol Flynn

Gerard Butler (Oh my gosh, this man is incredible)

Hill Harper

Hugh jackman

Hugh Laurie

Jake Weber

James Franco

James Marsters (my Spike)

Jeff Goldblum

Johnny depp

Josh Bernstein

Kaysar Ridha (Big Brother hottie)

Lenny Kravitz

Marton Csokas

Michael Greyeyes (wow)

Michael Spears

Michio Kaku

Phil Keoghan

Steve Buscemi

Wentworth Miller

Wesley Snipes

Yul Brynner

Some are old, some are young, some are deceased but all have captured my…well, you know.

Just say no...

2007-02-12T03:17:00.000-06:00

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.
One moment you're in your own little happy universe...
And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

For Charlotte Bronte

2007-02-04T23:52:00.000-06:00

This is my whisper…Please, please make it real. Give it the attention and care it deserves. Breathe life, passion and truth into this film. Give her the wings to fly, the wings she was denied.

...At a very young age (six or seven) I watched the movie “Jane Eyre” and was riveted. It was the 1944 version with Joan Fontaine and Orson Welles. Around age twelve I found the book (Jane Eyre) in my neighborhood library and after reading the book once I read it once again. The author Charlotte Bronte and her story of Jane Eyre profoundly affected me. I almost feel as though I actually know her. It’s a bit spooky.

The other day I found out that a movie is in the works about her life. I believe Michelle Williams (Dawson’s Creek, Brokeback Mountain) will play the part of Charlotte. My fondest wish would be that the movie shows the truest essence of the Bronte’s and commercialization doesn’t over shadow the picture.

I feel…embarrassed…I have so much in my heart and head but trying to put everything into words is very difficult for me. I hope this explains my post...

A small treasured gift

2007-02-02T03:11:00.000-06:00

It’s close to 3am…I’m cloaked in darkness except for the dim light from my computer screen…through the bedroom window I see a strange other worldly light reflecting off the snow. My night has turned an odd shade of purple and I can see the parked cars and houses down my street as far as my window’s view allows. Stillness…peace…snow.

I’m blue

2007-01-28T02:14:00.000-06:00

Since I can recall, my favorite color has always been blue. I enjoy other colors but blue is the most beautiful to me. So what’s up with all the green coming my way? No, not money, oh how lovely that would be…I mean quiz results at “blogthings”. From, what color should you paint your room to what is your true color, all the results end in GREEN. I was taught not to wear green as a teen I was told it made me look too pale or washed out but I get more compliments when I wear green than at any other time.

Am I missing something?

As for me being blue, I’m serious about that mood. I know of at least four friends that are struggling with serious problems and I can’t help anyone of them. Tick tock, tick tock…waiting.

As random as I am…why the heck didn’t I realize that physics could be so truly interesting. The first part of my life I hid my true self and just deflected the bad that came my way. My mind was sharp, clear and focused but hidden. Now that I’m older and have opened up my brain to all the knowledge the world has to offer I can’t even retain a smidgen of the information I used to. Also, black holes do not exist…at least not with the descriptors given to explain their existence, IMO.

My sister was speaking with my BIL on the phone the other day. She told my BIL that I was lonely for stimulating conversation now that he (BIL) has a job and we rarely spend time together. My sister cupped the mouth piece of the phone and asked me to give her something very intelligent to say so she could appear to be up on current events. I told her to tell my BIL that archeologists finally discovered that the Oompa Loompas originated from the depths of the Marianas Trench. She very hesitantly relayed the message to my BIL not sure of how to word this juicy tidbit of news but it wasn’t long before I was rewarded with a slap to my leg from my loving sister and I heard hysterical laughter coming from the phone. The best part was when my sister turned to me and said, “What’s an Oompa Loompa”?

Listening to...

2007-01-21T01:59:00.000-06:00

Michael W. Smith's “Agnus Dei”…it’s been so long…JNF! Tiny pin-pricks of light, light filled with the heavenly spirit, like soft raindrops falling down onto my skin. I am gently cradled in a diaphanous cloak of something euphoric and pure. Something sent from God.

This rare moment will be lovingly kept in my treasure box with a love everlasting for my Lord.

Plank in my eye

2007-01-02T01:12:00.000-06:00

Why are people celebrating his hanging? We are all sinners and will face judgment one day. Instead of rejoicing that he was put to death we should look in the mirror first, be ever vigilant about our own failings and search for ways to be a guiding light to others.

Still here, don’t know how and wish I wasn’t

2006-12-18T06:05:00.000-06:00

With that said… I’ve barely kept this blog alive. I want to apologize to all my friends new and old, Internet or in my daily life. Ironically, I feel the same about my blog as I do my life. I don’t have the energy for either but I promised my loved ones I would fight. Too bad I didn’t promise to be courageous, witty and kind. I’m cranky, angry and I just want to scream.

I have two more ct scans to go through in the next month and a half, a heart stress test and about three other procedures I can’t pronounce or spell. One doctor feels it’s highly probable that I have cancer in my stomach, another doctor has mentioned maybe throat cancer and last but not least, the latest specialist is very certain my ailment is due to heart problems.

My worst fears are coming to fruition. I’m going to die slowly, painfully and leave my poor husband with so much debt that he’ll never financially recover. Hell, we are still so far in debt now, what’s a few hundred thousand dollars more?

Must stop being so morbid…I just can’t help the crashing waves of emotion coursing through my heart, soul and mind.

Dreams…who knew how evil and tortuous dreams could be but at the same time they are all I live for. In my dreams I can still run, breathe easy, talk, sing and just live in full Technicolor splendor. My body is alive, free and pulsating with the essence of existing. Then, I wake up and reality sucks away the pure and simple pleasures that I took for granted for so long.

Yes, I’m a very overly dramatic person and for all I know I could merely have a benign tumor in my throat that could be dealt with safely through medication or surgery. Maybe after all the test results have been analyzed and the doctor consultations I’ll be reassured and I’ll be right as rain in no time. But this is ME, my life has been a train wreck from the get go and I’ve been waiting for the “good times” that everyone speaks about but they never come.

Now, getting to the gist of this little blog post…There are many lovely human beings in the world and I’ve had the pleasure of communicating with them through my blog. I want these people to know how much you have impacted my life and given me strength to face life head on. I miss spending time with you all. I miss our back and forth chatter. At the moment, I can’t keep up. I refuse to end this blog but I can only post sparingly. I appreciate you all and I am awed at how many of you wonderful friends have stuck by me even though I don’t reciprocate. Thank you.

Froggie

Kay-ron

Zoe

Also, please don’t be offended if I left your name from the above list. I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree of late, what with all the meds I’m taking.

P.S. Janelle won VH1’s Reality Star of 2006…GO JANIE!

Whispers from my heart

2006-12-05T00:35:00.000-06:00

I can’t write. I have so much to say (as usual) but my words don’t match my thoughts and my thoughts are scattered.

I’ll be back sometime soon. I feel so much love for you all and my dear friends!

Save the cheerleader, save the world…

Just like the Colonel

2006-11-05T15:59:00.000-06:00

Listening to…

Lady Sovereign “Love Me or Hate Me”

Audioslave “Be Yourself”

Gnarls Barkley “Crazy”

Cinderella “Nobody’s Fool”

Evanescence “Call Me When You’re Sober”

Feeling lonely and on edge. Can’t deal with husband’s histrionics…don’t say you are one way and act the other.

Lame, I know

2006-10-29T03:25:00.000-06:00

You Belong in Fall

Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times...
You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall brings
Whether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you

What Season Are You?

You Are 45% Left Brained, 55% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Pure evil

2006-10-11T16:25:00.000-05:00

IMO…

North Korea is a CULT not a country.

How sad…

Another conversation with my sister

2006-10-01T04:11:00.000-05:00

(Addressing my sister in the kitchen after giving my nieces Sand Crabs fresh water)

Me: So, you do realize that the crabs are out of food?

Sis: Uh, no. They’re really out?

Me: Well, if you consider a trace amount being out of food then yes they are out of food.

Sis: Oh wow, really?

Me: I’d have to say YES.

Sis: What should I do now?

Me: (Thinking to myself, I’m must be kind) I’m not a rocket scientist but you should probably buy more food for the poor ignored creatures.

Sis: Yeah, but where?

Me: (Oh Lord, give me strength to be kind) I’m thinking a pet store would be a good choice. Maybe the same place you bought the crabs initially the same place you bought the starter food along with the crabs.

Sis: At the Mall?

Me: (Is this real, is she really that dim) Yeah, if that’s where you bought them.

Sis: Oh, okay that’s what I’ll do.

Me: Great.

What is wrong with me? (Continuing thoughts on BB)

2006-09-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

I’m obsessed, addicted and I can’t stop my behavior. Folks, I’m addicted to the idea of Janelle and Will having a possible romance. I spend lots of time at youtube.com and other Big Brother sites watching video clips of Janelle and Will. I guess when you have no life, you live vicariously through others.

During this season of Big Brother All Stars I was glued to the live feeds watching what appeared to be a real romance between the couple. Will adamantly denies it and claims he still loves his girlfriend Erin but after watching the video clips it looks to me that Will has fallen head over hills for Janelle and vice versa.

I would hate for Erin or Janelle to be hurt by what happens next but a part of me is just completely mesmerized with the thought of Janelle and Will having that fairy tale ending.

Please…someone just knock me out. No really, just literally knock me out!

Big Brother All Stars...my take...

2006-09-11T08:27:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, wake up Mike “Boogie”, your rise to the top was Will’s doing. Boogie you are a woman objectifying boy and you have nothing in the skills department that would earn you a place in the Final 2. Let me repeat, Will got you there buddy and of course Erika.

Moving onto Erika, plain and simple you are the symbol of all that is unwomanly. With your fake breasts and your disgusting juvenile coy behavior, it makes me want to vomit. The only way you can make yourself feel better is to speak derogatorily about Janie and constantly remind everyone that you masterminded the whole Chilltown take-over. You were played Erika and wait till you find out how much you were played. I would give my teeth to see your reaction to the Diary Room speeches about you. Boogie called you a Ho, ugly and a b***h. He said kissing you was akin to licking an ashtray. It’s very telling that you find him more attractive once you found out he was a supposed, “Bad boy”.

Will…*sigh*…you are worse than Boogie and Erika put together. A thirty-three year old doctor seemly well traveled, cultured, mannered and of a certain upper class and yet you showed the lowest kind of human behavior. Your tricks and lies to get your friend to the winners circle were cruel, mean-spirited and shameful.

For example, to push a woman’s buttons by using her biological clock or desire to be a mother is worse than Johnny Fair Play’s lie regarding the fake death of his grandmother. His ploy although repugnant at least had strategy and game play written all over it but to tug on Erika and Janelle’s maternal yearnings is reprehensible. I being a woman unable to conceive take this personally.

Secondly, your behavior towards Janelle and thus indirectly towards Erin Brodie is not only ungentlemanly but disrespectful on so many levels. You broke both their hearts.

And Janelle, I speak for many people, we LOVE you sweetie! You are the true winner.

Oh and CBS…you really dropped the ball this season. The competitions were sloppy at best and even from the audience’s point of view, not fun to watch. Next season, please do not allow the House Guests to whisper!

Where's the rain?

2006-08-18T14:32:00.000-05:00

Stop it, stop it right now! I know this is Texas and it is summer but how many weeks of triple digit temperatures can a person take.

I know, I'm shutting up.

Unease

2006-08-08T11:49:00.000-05:00

I just read a news article at CNN (online) and I’m not sure if I should be angry or happy. There are only a few brief chapters of my childhood that I can remember that bring to mind joy, safety and childish exuberance. When my father was stationed at Ft. Belvoir, Virginia my life was as close to being perfect as a dysfunctional life could ever hope to be. I still remember the smell of the air on crisp autumn mornings and riding my bike for hours Saturday mornings and most of all, my beloved mother always being there for every skinned knee or the fabulous weekend picnics with our neighbors.

When I read the CNN article I felt like someone yanked the last remaining bit of broken foundation from underneath my feet. The gist of the article is this; the military wants to build a theme park next to Ft. Belvoir. I feel very uncomfortable about the whole project but I don’t know why. Maybe I just need some time to process the information.

My bit of heaven

2006-08-07T02:43:00.000-05:00

No more kitchen duty for me.

I took my stand and told my sister I could no longer clean everyone’s dishes. My husband and I have basically gone the paper-plate, plastic utensil route and any other kitchen items we dirty we clean immediately and put away. I think the real truth as to why it took me so long to put my foot down was simply that I didn’t want to face being the burden I’m fighting/fought so hard not to become. I’m saying goodbye to my independence one chore at a time.

Some peace of mind has trickled into my life by way of new/homemade bedroom furniture. My husband put the old queen mattress set we were using in storage and built a bunk bed giving us more space in my sister’s tiny guest room. My old recliner is now in the bedroom along with a new larger TV and PVR with taping abilities. Next to my chair, my husband has a very tiny computer desk so we are together again, although very cramped. I only leave the bedroom for bathroom visits, my meals and to baby-sit my sister’s dog when everyone is gone. Her little dog is so small and so cute; I hate to hear her howl when my sister and BIL leave the house.

I hadn’t realized how much stress being in close proximity to my sister and niece was causing me until now. Sometimes, as I walk from the kitchen, down the hallway to my room I hear their voices, some of their conversations and the tension between my family members is like a choking fog. I scamper back to my sanctuary and even though the room is so small that two grown adults have to play “you move this way, I’ll move that way” to get to a chair, bed or door it’s a splendid bit of heaven.

Sadness and Madness

2006-07-28T07:48:00.000-05:00

Until now I have been unable to write about an area of my life that has my heart aching. It concerns the conflict between the Jewish people and Palestinian people. I have my own conflict about the situation within me and I am hesitant to put my thoughts to paper.

Scores of human lives have been traumatized and murdered on both sides of the conflict and this is not acceptable to me. Call me naive, call me uninformed but I’ve often wondered why people just can’t compromise…just love one another. Growing up an army brat I’ve lived in many countries and embraced many different cultures. In general, I find people to be loving, kind, generous and fascinating. Most of us want the same things; to be able support our families, live in peace and worship at the altar of which ever God we choose. I know co-existing is not easy, even with our own family or people with our same religious views. My heart longs for a peaceful solution but my head knows that this will not happen.

Thus, I pray and keep praying…

Here I go again

2006-07-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

Hello world!

I’ve had a million and one thoughts rolling around my noggin and I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to make sense of it all. It feels like years since I’ve posted, along with many other changes in my life.

One of the major changes has been my BIL’s long awaited sentencing. As my husband would say, “He got his hand slapped and not much else”. For his crime he will get no jail time, nothing on his record and he won’t lose his license (not driver’s license). He will be on probation for one year and pay a small fine. In one respect, I’m happy for him because he is working exceptionally hard to kick his addictions. Then again, my BIL has never known real financial hardship or health hardships. Not that I want him to suffer but after all the suffering my husband and I have been through due to things beyond our control it just seems a bit unfair. We obey the law, we try to better ourselves and we are trying to help our loved ones. My sister and BIL have both broken the law on many occasions, never try to better themselves (being well-off they feel is enough) and they treat their loved ones according to (monetary) rank. It just feels…so out of balance.

It is exceedingly frustrating to have the last twelve years of your life stripped of all the hard work you’ve done and stripped of your possessions simply due to a series of job lay-offs and ill health. And while all this is going on your family members treat you like you don’t exist. That aside, what I’m most concerned with now that the legal crud is settled is my BIL can now get another high paying job and this puts my husband and I on the most hated list. Our monthly rent payment to them will no longer be needed and the game my sister invented, how to make me and my husband as miserable as she can, will commence.

As of today my husband and I no longer have any savings to move us out of my sisters home. At one point we had over $5,000 available for when we found an apartment but between car repairs, my medical bills/medical tests and the recent major child care expenditures (step-kids) we are flat broke. Each penny spent was carefully thought out and I feel blessed to have had our small savings but the fact is we are in a very precarious financial situation and all the medical testing has led the doctors to order more testing. Each test I undergo I pray this will give the doctors the answers they need to solve the puzzle of what is my ailment but it never happens. I’ve been waiting two years to hear if my illness could be “fixed” with medication, surgery or just time or to hear the death prognosis such as, “You have only a period of time before you croak”.

If you haven’t noticed I’m a planner. I like order, schedules and routines. I want to be able to plan my time/life and it’s been so long since I was able to plan anything. I know, I’m whining. I’m very very very blessed. I have a roof over my head, food and lots of TV/books to keep me entertained so I have no right to whine. I’ve come realize I am a wimp. So sorry for the long winded bellyaching and I’ll try to be more optimistic in the future.

On second thought…this is my only place to let go of my negative feelings so I’m just going to be me and not force myself to be hunky dory when I’m not.

I’m going to have to cut this short; my privacy is being invaded again. I will try to finish out my list of a million thoughts another time. :-)

A small change

2006-07-17T21:03:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks, I had to add Word Verification to my comment section. I've been slammed with spam the last few weeks.

More "Thanks"

2006-07-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to let you all know I’m still around; my lack of vigor has kept me from my usual Internet routine. It feels like a life time ago since my last post. By the way, the dishes were done and not by me! I need to write a proper post but it’s going to have to wait. First, I have to thank a lot of people for their lovely comments and then I’ll get my head together and share some thoughts.

Below is a list of some very thoughtful friends:

Crystal Clear

Thank you all!

Raging again

2006-06-25T07:59:00.000-05:00

I live in a household of four adults and one almost teenager. One adult, my husband, is the only one in the household with a full time job. My BIL is not working; my sister does absolutely NOTHING all day everyday, except for laundry for her family. As I’ve said before, my husband and I pay my sister and BIL’s house payment with the added job of cleaning one bathroom (by my husband) and the added job of me doing ALL the dishes for the WHOLE household EVERYDAY. Most readers know that I am very ill and simply doing the dishes, taking a shower and cleaning my cats litter box on a daily basis takes what little energy I have. I don’t want to belittle the fact that my sister has allowed us to live in her home for the last two years but sometimes I feel that she has gotten the better end of the bargain.

Meanwhile, my sister and BIL are both in good health. They choose to spend their days doing this:

BIL wakes up plays video games most of the morning taking cigarette/coffee breaks outside on the front porch. When my niece wakes up, usually 11:30am since school let out for summer, she will bug her father until he quits playing his video games so she can have the TV to herself. Just a reminder…she has a full TV/DVD/TiVo/CD player/phone/computer system setup in her room. My BIL will then get her a bowl of cereal because she complains to him that she is too lazy to get it herself. He then wanders off to the porch again smoking cigarettes and talking to various people on the phone. He comes back inside long enough to get bothered by his daughter while she tries to engage him in conversation about her interests. At the moment her only interest is the Disney channel and that’s it. Oh wait, and she also likes making video’s of herself and then playing them back over and over and over whilst saying, “Daddy watch me do this, or watch me say this, or watch me sing this” as if he hasn’t seen it a gazillion times already. At noon or even as late as 1pm my sister wakes up and ambles her way into the kitchen getting her coffee and going out to the porch to smoke cigarettes. Next, my BIL sits at his computer puts on his headphones and disengages from everyone and everything. After her cigarette my sister sits on the living room couch and my niece pounces on her for attention. My sister very grumpily states that, “Mommy needs time to wake up, please leave me alone for awhile” and if by magic the phone rings, the caller being one of my sisters three “friends”. Sister then walks onto the porch again talking on the phone for about thirty minutes. The next few hours it’s a game of what I call, “Avoidance”. I watch my sister and BIL try desperately to avoid my niece as she demands attention. Each parent tries to sneak away at various intervals to spend as much time away from my niece as possible.

By dinner time, my sister, BIL and niece have eaten only cereal or junk food. My sister refuses to cook a well-balanced meal for her husband since he got fired from his job and on the few occasions that she does grocery shop (she makes my BIL do the grocery shopping) she gets him TV dinners. For my niece she usually offers to cook her macaroni and cheese or soup and then even tries to coerce my niece into cooking the soup herself. Very rarely does my sister actually cook a “real” meal but surprisingly enough all three of them dirty a huge amount of dishes.

So, after they’ve all eaten dinner the rest of the evening my sister tries to find something on TV to keep my niece occupied, although this usually fails and the rest of the night it’s back to trying to avoid my niece for as long as possible. I will give my BIL some credit; he spends quality time with my niece and tries to get her motivated to learn or show interest in something other than Disney shows. I also give credit to my BIL for doing more cleaning than my sister. He will vacuum once a week (but only the carpet that is not covered); he has mown the lawn three times the past six months. He will generally do what ever cleaning my sister tells him to do but he makes no attempt to get the job done well.

Later, around 10pm to 11pm my sister spends this hour repeatedly telling my niece to get ready for bed. Then, my sister picks which television show or rented movie she wants to watch and we all have to be ultra quiet while she enjoys her movie. During the movie my sister has to set it on pause several times to either smoke a cigarette, talk on the phone or put her daughter back to bed because she has gotten out of bed several times using any excuse she can find. My favorite excuse she used recently is that she doesn’t like the way the sheets feel on her skin. By the time all is settled and my sister’s movie/show is over it’s about midnight. She will then go to her room, watch more TV and take her sleeping pill. Once asleep she will sleep all night and wake up the next day at either noon or 1pm. This daily pattern generally never changes except for the occasional going out to eat dinner or a shopping trip with my niece to the mall.

My BIL hates this daily routine and hates how his relationship with his wife and daughter is so strained. He is getting some real counseling for his addictions and mental issues. In comparison, my BIL’s addictions are causing about as much trouble (in the marriage) as my sister’s mental issues but he is the only one willing to change, compromise and give my sister support, she on the other hand wants only to hide her head in the sand and have the drudgery of life taken care of for her by everyone in the house.

All this delving into personal family matters brings me to the last two days. I have been having severe breathing problems. I’ve made mention of this to my family members, not that it isn’t obvious as my breathing is a bit labored and loud. Two nights ago I went to bed unusually early and my niece looked at me oddly when I mentioned that I was going to bed because I was feeling poorly. The next day my sister spoke to me privately about my niece’s fear for my health. I was told to stop complaining about any ailments and try to look cheerful for my niece. At first I was very upset that my illness had such an effect on my niece and I felt horrible that I wasn’t trying to be more considerate of her feelings and youth. I don’t enjoy giving anyone I love something to worry about so I spent most of my time in my room to lesson my niece’s concern.

Needless to say the dishes have not been taken care of for two days. I really really have no energy or stamina to tackle that job, thus the kitchen is a major mess. To my surprise as we were all congregating in the living room my niece blurts out with major attitude, “You better get busy and get the kitchen cleaned up soon”. My sister chuckled and I couldn’t speak. As a child I was taught never to speak to my elders, especially a family member, in such an insolent manner. Does my sister reprimand her? No, she simply laughs.

I know this is my anger speaking but I refuse to clean the kitchen. I should show a more Christian attitude and clean up the mess but I’m so tired of watching my sister and niece sit on their rumps all day everyday while I clean up after them and pay their rent. I also know there are going to be some pretty angry people in this house when they get up today and see the kitchen left the way it was when they went to bed last night. Maybe it isn’t my anger; maybe I’m just too tired and sick.

I’m going to get some rest now…I pray someone in this deranged household does the dishes for me or I’m gonna have speak my mind.

Discount stores

2006-06-24T14:40:00.000-05:00

There are two things taking up space in my dusty brain at the moment. Well, two that I’m willing to discuss.

First, I get the feeling that the people reading my blog are not Big Brother fans as I’ve received no comments regarding my last post. I said, “Humor me” in my last post but evidently my plea has gone unheeded. :-(

Second, the Mart that starts with a “K”…SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on you! Your new commercials revolving around camping and tents are not amusing…in the least. I have a serious phobia of spiders (I have trouble even typing the word) and your commercial uses one larger than my own hand. If you think your Ads will entice people to purchase more tents or camping gear after seeing that monstrous arachnid I tend to doubt the logic. ALL of my family and friends are now against the idea of camping this summer.

And yes, I realize the world doesn’t revolve around me and it’s your company and you have the privilege of advertising as you see fit but why run the commercial five times in one hour? My niece counted how many times she saw the Ad yesterday as she watched TV off and on throughout the day and the total was TEN commercials within a period of three hours. Could you tone it down a bit…please…?

***After writing this post I checked my emails and found that I did in fact receive a comment about Big Brother by guppyman and for that I am very grateful.

In response, I’d like to say that Kaysar may not have played the game as well as some but visually speaking he is easy on my eyes. Sorry guppyman but I can be very superficial at times. As for Ivette, I guess I never really thought about her that much. She appears to be genuinely nice but I can’t remember her that well. Hey, you vote for one of my picks and I’ll vote for Ivette, how about that? Thanks for the comment! :~)

A favor please?

2006-06-22T02:33:00.000-05:00

Humor me. I love Big Brother, and I have the chance to vote for 6 of my favorite past house guests. This also means that you dear Internet friends have the same opportunity to vote. If you are so inclined, please help me in my quest to vote for the people I think deserve a second chance. These are my picks (in no particular order):

Diane
Howie
Janelle
Kaysar
Nakomis (Jennifer)
Will

Click here for the link to the CBS website to vote.

For all you other wonderful Big Brother (All-Star) fans out there and me being the ~~nosey~~ interested person that I am, let me know who you are voting for.

P.S. I know Will won before but he's...such a cute instigator!

Sorrowful laughter

2006-06-16T15:22:00.000-05:00

I am humbled, brought down to my lowest level and just so….defeated.

Yesterday, my husband came home from work with a small gift for me. I was so excited as he handed me the shopping bag. The Big Lug (husband) was smiling and looked so proud of himself. I opened the bag and to my utter horror what did I find? Two plastic “weekly” pill organizers!! My husband very happily explained that he worries about my memory and if I’m taking all my meds at the correct times. To him, he has done something sweet and thoughtful and in reality it truly was but to me it just felt like another slap in the face…a reminder of my lost youth and the dark cloud of illness that hangs over my head.

But…after much thought, I started to laugh and laugh. Who cares if I’m losing my mind, at least all my meds will be accounted for and I have a caring husband. ;~)

Got Game?

2006-06-13T21:23:00.000-05:00

I’ve become reacquainted with my old Nintendo 64 game, “Banjo Kazooie”, thus, my lack of posts. Ahhh, life’s simple pleasures! :~)

I also saved up enough money for my pulmonary functions test and it’s over and done with as of today. Whew, feeling a little relieved and a little light headed… “Take a deep breath, hold, hold, hold, hold, now breath out REALLY HARD”… “Breath in, breath out, breath in breath out…hold, hold, hold, hold…” so on and so forth for about forty minutes. I’m exhausted just from the test. I’m not sure when I’ll be notified of the results but I’m praying for some indication or direction towards a label/cure for my breathing ailment.

In other news, CONGRATULATIONS Dawn Marie on the birth of your beautiful baby girl! I’m so happy for you and your family.

A very generous THANK YOU to those who have recently left me comments:

Andrena

Musicguy

MsDemmie

Much better

2006-06-06T11:33:00.000-05:00

That was a tough one; my head was in a really scary place. Thank you all so much for your concern and wonderful advice. Your comments and emails were incredibly comforting. Each and every one of you Internet friends has left an indelible mark on my heart. It’s hard for me to process the love, caring and kindness that is showered on me daily but the joy you all bring me bursts through the dungeon to which I’ve locked myself into and I’m so grateful.

Blank

2006-06-04T13:28:00.000-05:00

Because of a mix up with my pharmacy I’ve been two days without my anti-depressants.

This is a serious message for all who are following any kind of medicinal regimen.

Please be careful…be very careful about following your doctors orders. I’ve only been two days, that’s only 48 hours without my meds and I already feel a cold steely darkness trickling down into my mind, heart and soul. I feel that old and oddly comforting intent…the craving for death. I’ve asked my husband to keep a keen eye on my behavior and to never let me be alone.

I sit here writing this post and I’m utterly emotionless. I have no desire to eat or drink and for once my mind is almost blank. I should be terrified but I feel nothing.

Thank you Lord for watching over me and thank you for a husband that loves me enough, even though we have more bad times than good.

Silly girl

2006-06-02T03:44:00.000-05:00

Upon waking, my usual routine is to start coffee brewing and gauge the stress levels of all house mates awake at the same time. I was in for a real treat today because my sister and niece were out (errands) and my BIL was at an appointment. After setting up the coffee-maker I began emptying the dishwasher. The first few hours of my wake-up routine I’m pretty much a zombie. Well…it’s more like being aware of my surroundings but just not imbued with the energetic perkiness that I enjoyed before my illness sapped the life out of me. So, the more cognizant my brain became the more I started to sense something was off. I kept hearing a very soft moaning/groaning sound. The hairs on the back of my neck actually stood at attention. I stopped putting away the clean dishes to listen but heard nothing. I walked out of the kitchen passing the counter with the coffee-maker when suddenly a hideously loud wailing sound along with terrifying dying gasps made me jump and scream like a little girlie girl. To my relief and astonishment I realized the sounds were coming from the coffee-maker. Still shaking but laughing nonetheless I imagined how funny this would have appeared if I saw the whole thing happening to someone else. Although, it’s easy to laugh but the sounds were really very authentic and spooky.

I guess I can now add to my list of “Spastic Moments” the time I was brought to my knees with fear from a little old coffee-maker. Sheesh, I’m such a goof-ball.

Family tree

2006-05-28T08:24:00.000-05:00

One of my family secrets, recently discovered, isn’t really a secret just an unknown part of my family tree. A few relatives have been steadfastly researching our ancestors and along with our Dutch and German roots we are also part Swedish. Maybe this explains why every single family member as far back as the early 1800’s have been blue-eyed. Of course I’m the oddball of the family because I adore large brown eyes, you know, the whole “Tall, dark and handsome” thingy. My husband has such beautiful light brown eyes!

I’m sorry to say I’m not that familiar with Swedish culture; I would love to hear from any Internet friends that can fill me in.

Below is my weekly “List of Thanks” to the recent and not so recent that have left comments:

Whatupthen (Ice Climber)

Thank you!

Sickness, Secrets and Ghosts!

2006-05-26T05:00:00.000-05:00

Hello world! That was a wicked infection that ravaged my body and I’m still so overwhelmingly fatigued. Thank you for the “Get Well Wishes”, I cried reading each and everyone.

I’ve missed out on so much. After reading my recent emails I’ve discovered so many wonderful goings-on amongst my friends. One friend found her dream job, another is engaged and yet another is buying her first home. And, I’ve uncovered a few secrets too. Family secrets, the most dangerous kind. ;-)

Once I’ve processed the secrets myself I’ll be able write about them on my blog.

Regarding the post below...I'm stumped. It's a ghost post because how it came to be is a mystery to me. :-)

2006-05-22T01:49:00.000-05:00

Tired of being tired

2006-05-19T01:17:00.000-05:00

No energy…none. Not only have I endured one bout of upper respiratory crud but while on the mend the evil infirmity crept back into my body and slammed me down once more.

Dear internet friends, it will be some time before I regain my vigor (if I had any before). I’m sorry for the lack of posts. :-(

In the meantime, I’ve been patiently waiting for Big Brother All-Stars to begin. I believe the start date is June 21^st but I’m not sure. I’m not sure about Aras winning Survivor; I really wanted Cirie to win. The Amazing Race wrapped up and my favorite team won for once, yeah!

I’d like to end this post with another installment of me giving thanks/links to the kind bloggers that have left comments for me.

Pugs

Leon

Kay ron

I'll post another list next week and again, THANK YOU!

Taking it easy

2006-05-10T21:57:00.000-05:00

I will be out of commission for a short period due to an upper respiratory infection.

Meanwhile, I’d like to thank all of my friends and the kind bloggers surfing by. For whatever it’s worth, I’ve listed several bloggers that have left a comment on my blog and a link to their blog if possible. I think maybe I’ll post one list every week.

Jax

Mark Base

Omni

Pia

Shirley

Simply Jess

Thaed

Zoe

Thank you for making my miserable world a bit easier. :-)

I just want to go back to bed

2006-05-10T11:10:00.000-05:00

I’ve got a doctors appointment later today. Not sure if I simply have a cold, strep throat or pneumonia. With my compromised immune system and the fact that I feel awfully bad I’m not taking any chances.

Now, if I could only find the energy to take a shower, stop coughing and breathe normally that would be great. ;~)

More truth

2006-05-08T12:46:00.000-05:00

This is very embarrassing but I have to be honest with myself and my friends. A very large part of the reason I’ve stopped reading my favorite blogs is the commenting factor. I am not equipped with the tools to write and it takes me forever just to write a simple response. Part of my inability to put words together that make sense or convey my thoughts is my own poor self-esteem. The other half of the problem is my illness. I have an auto-immune disease that affects me neurologically and while most people can just whip off a short comment with lightening speed I struggle with just a basic one-line sentence. The transference of thoughts to written words is a huge effort. Therefore, in my mind if I don’t read blogs, I don’t have to worry about commenting. When I read blogs on Blog Explosion or Blog Mad I don’t feel the pressure to comment because the bloggers are new to me or I haven’t reached out my hand in friendship. The anonymous lurking aspect gives me a chance to read and enjoy other’s posts and not worry about making a fool out of myself with some lame, boring comment that took me forever to write.

I am without a doubt one of the most emotional human beings on the planet. As cheesy as it sounds, I get extremely overcome with emotion when I read the comments my posts have inspired. I slowly process what people have written and carry it around with me for a very long time. I also carry your encouragement, kindness and friendship with me all day, every day. I’m deeply sorry that I’m not strong enough to be there for all of you as you are to me.

Answers

2006-05-05T19:40:00.000-05:00

After much thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just overwhelmed when it comes to responding to emails and blog comments. Although being overwhelmed is not the only reason it is the chief reason. I stated before that I get a bit queasy at the thought of reading blogs that I used to read in the past on a daily basis. Before I set up my own blog I used to read tons of blogs everyday along with commenting on just about every blog I came across. Then, after getting my own blog up and running with a few regulars leaving comments and a few drive-by comments it is near impossible for me to keep up. I don’t know how popular bloggers handle it. My blog is considered small-time with very little traffic yet if I were to read all the blogs I used to and leave comments while answering the comments on my own blog I would be writing all day. I’m definitely not a writer. Not to say I don’t enjoy writing, it’s just that it doesn’t come easy for me.

So, how do I resolve this problem…I don’t know. My husband suggested that I turn off the comment section of my blog but then I would miss some really great advice. I’m not sure how selfish it is to keep a blog and only reciprocate when I’m able but I guess that’s the only answer I can come up with at the moment.

Also, I’m going to make a serious effort to get back to reading my favorite blogs again. I may not comment in the beginning but hopefully I can work my way up to it.

Here I go…

No time to proof, sorry for any mistakes

2006-04-27T09:48:00.000-05:00

I am in a mood today and I’m not sure what’s causing this mood swing. Usually, my days are filled with a mixture of depression, sadness and bits of hope. Today…I’m just so angry. Yes, being in constant pain is part of my anger but there is a rage deep inside that is heating to a boil. I don’t want to be diplomatic with the people around me. I don’t want to make small talk or exchange pleasantries. I want to scream at everyone around me that they are all fools.

To my sister: Don’t look at me with that ridiculous expression and ask me why your daughter is so spoiled and why she NEVER does what she is told. For twelve years you’ve never made her mind and you can’t expect her to just suddenly develop into a responsible, accountable, willing to take orders kind of child. Also, don’t call your daughter a “bitch” when she is demanding and surly during the morning ritual of getting ready for school. Calling your daughter a bitch is inappropriate and just ugly.

And for goodness sake, don’t come to me digging for information concerning your husband’s latest depression. You’ve alienated him to the point that I wouldn’t be surprised if he asks you for a divorce.

Last but not least, don’t you dare act like you are the martyred saint in our dysfunctional household and that you can’t take the living situation anymore when my husband is paying your house payment every month because your husband, for what ever reasons, can’t/won’t find a job. The arrangement we have now is mutually beneficial but even more so for you because it keeps you from losing your retirement savings. Our dad may be falling for your sob story but then he’s been lied to so much by you he wouldn’t know the truth if it knocked him upside the head.

To my BIL: It took you long enough to see the mess you made of your marriage and your life. It took you long enough to see my sister for the person she really is. Payback is such a harsh lesson. When you purposely set out to destroy my relationship with my own father karma tends to eventually creep up and wreak havoc on you.

And just because you are going through a “tough” time and you finally realize what me and my husband went through for years (and without family to fall back on) don’t act like you are sorry for me. Don’t act like we have somehow bonded over life’s hardships because my husband didn’t ask to be laid off from his job while you were fired for criminal behavior. I didn’t ask to get a disease that is draining my life slowly, painfully and financially. The difference between you and I is huge. You are such a wimp. Get up, grow up and take charge. You had everything…and you lost it all because you couldn’t stay on the wagon. Don’t get me wrong, I understand addiction but don’t you ever compare your situation to mine.

Thank you blog/Internet for letting me vent so as not to start a major war with my family.

Update:

Unfortunately, I’m still raging inside. I’ve kept such a tight lid on my anger for so many years. I don’t know if I can manage my anger in a constructive way, if that’s possible but venting what’s in my heart onto my blog might be my way to cope while doing the least damage.

Caffeine driven- Something about your words had a major calming effect on me. Like a cool breeze on an extremely hot muggy day. Thank you!

Corry- I appreciate (beyond words) your prayer for me. Directly after reading your comment I felt God’s guiding touch, as if warning me not to drown in my anger and to be prudent with how I handle myself.

Dawn Marie- In response to your query, “I hope this helps”, indeed it does! Your loyalty to me is something I don’t deserve and can’t fathom. What ever the reason I cherish all your comments and I take them all to heart.

Thank you all for your comments!

Four reasons why I know I’m a slice short of a full loaf

2006-04-25T02:03:00.000-05:00

When I watch vampire movies I clutch my neck with my left hand…always. If fact, most of the time it’s like an involuntary motion. If I try to hold off, the right side of my neck tingles unbearably until I place my hand in the correct position.

I detest the feel of my own hair on my neck, forehead or ears. I usually wear a pony tail or a loose bun.

This quirk drives me and other people batty. Every drawer or cabinet in the house must be closed. My sister has a habit of leaving drawers half open or a bit ajar. Where ever I go in the house I’m constantly closing drawers or cabinets.

I love water to a painful degree. Not drinking water but oceans, seas, lakes, rivers, or swimming pools. The feel of water all around me is intoxicating. The rocking motion of waves is incredibly soothing to me. I will sit through a truly lousy movie if there are many ocean shots or scuba diving.

Okay, now it’s your turn to confess…

It's all in the timing

2006-04-19T04:46:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else find it a bit ironic that Brooke Shields gave birth to a daughter the same day as Katie Holmes? With all the “discussions” between Brooke and Tom Cruise regarding childbirth and post-partum depression it just seems… oddly amusing.

Calling Julie Chen

2006-04-18T07:08:00.000-05:00

Today is a day for whining…not really. I’m just getting a wee bit restless waiting for Big Brother 7 to start airing. I haven’t found any updates regarding the season premiere, therefore, I’m wondering/hoping that the show hasn’t been cancelled.

And now, would all you very kind people up north, especially Canada, blow some cold air down here to Texas? I believe we set a record yesterday with a high of 101 degrees. Heat + Maryrose = One very cranky woman! ;-)

Looking glass

2006-04-17T05:39:00.000-05:00

It has been two weeks since my “Away” post. It feels like only two days ago that I wrote that post, yet, the two week absence felt like a lifetime too. How can time appear to be passing at two different rates of speed? Eh, who knows?

I’m changing. Not a profound change, just little minor tweaks. Days spent in reflection have helped me to see me without the rose-colored glasses. Thus, I’ve been more realistic about my past misdeeds/self-absorption and more accountable for them also. Along with the bad, my peek in the mirror has shown me the good as well. As crazy as it sounds, I’ve never owned up to my kinder, sweeter side. I’ve often been told that I’m a sweet, generous and loving person and I’ve even spoken those very words myself but deep down in the darkest corner of my heart I’ve always pictured myself as a monster or a villain. Guilt, self-doubt and listening to certain people one too many times must have branded this unhealthy self-hate into all parts of my brain. Thankfully, the villainous monster image is fading as my mental state slowly heals. I’m far from my goal of a more balanced healthy mindset but I like the changes so far.

On the other hand, I regret that my blogging has suffered. I’m still not able to return to my normal blogging routine, which was reading my favorite blogs (daily) and sending emails or comments to blogger friends new or old. To all of you who read my blog and continue to comment THANK YOU! I’ll admit I’m selfish, I enjoy reading your comments and hope they never stop but I understand that I’m asking for a one-sided relationship. I know I can’t continue this way forever it is so unfair…

Thanks again, friends.

A quiz till I return

2006-04-12T02:46:00.000-05:00

You Belong in Amsterdam

A little old fashioned, a little modern - you're the best of both worlds. And so is Amsterdam.
Whether you want to be a squatter graffiti artist or a great novelist, Amsterdam has all that you want in Europe (in one small city).

What European City Do You Belong In?

Away

2006-04-03T21:02:00.000-05:00

I’m sorry to say that I will be taking another short break from blogging. :-(

For starters my computer is in need of repair or a good nuking. It acts like it has a virus but I’ve done many virus checks and the results always come up “No infections”.

Second, I love blogging but in my current state of mind I’m unable to respond to any comments.

I pray for strength to work past my recent mental struggles and I pray that all is well with you wonderful Internet friends. I will return to blogging in a week or two.

Love to all!

Speechless

2006-03-30T21:51:00.000-06:00

Dear friends, world and blogging buddies I need some input. First, I’m not sure if my dilemma is a type of blogging disorder or it’s just my mental instability. The problem is that I’ve basically stopped reading or commenting on blogs. I do spend time at Blog Explosion and Blogmad but I rarely comment on others blogs. I went through a similar difficulty such as this awhile back but this time around I feel so detached from everyone.

There are so many wonderful…really wonderful and inspiring blogs that I used to read and enjoy but now I get panicky at the mere thought of eyeing my list of bookmarked blogs. I read your comments on my blog and I hang on every word but I’m so ashamed that I don’t reciprocate. Also, I have no trouble with thinking of things to write about on my own blog but I don’t because I’m afraid that more people will comment and think I’m disrespectful for not reading their blogs in return.

Maybe I’m falling deeper into my madness or maybe my energy is waning, what ever. Please know that I’m deeply sorry for my lack of attention. I read your words to me and I’m in awe of the love and loyalty you show me, I feel so undeserving. I think about each and every one of you and you are always in my prayers but I can’t seem to communicate. At times I feel like such a failure, who am I kidding almost all the time I feel like a complete failure.

If it helps, know that I am fighting, desperately fighting to be a better person (saner too). One day, maybe I’ll be worthy of the love and kindness that has been extended to me.

I also have another problem infecting my thoughts. A few days ago, I happened upon a blog that simply put me into a tailspin. There were several pictures of a woman and a small cat. Loving animals the way I do I casually turned my attention to the pictures. At first, the intent of the unfolding story didn’t hit me. By the last snapshot I was so horrified I have been unable to speak for days. I was and still am a bit in shock. Frame by frame leads up to a woman stepping on a cats head crushing it to death along with her very high heel plunging into the poor cat’s eye. I’m praying this was a sick sadistic joke made with computer magic and the pictures were fakes. But, the pictures looked incredibly real and I actually vomited. And yes, I know I’m ultra sensitive but sheesh, there are three things that are very sacred to me and must be kept safe: children, the elderly and animals.

That’s it for me tonight folks. I’m still upset and need to find something beautiful and positive to replace the evil that has stained my mind.

Green versus Pink

2006-03-25T09:37:00.000-06:00

Thanks for all the wonderful comments everyone. :-) I'm feeling a bit better and will start answering emails later today.

About the template change...please let me know if the green is better than the pink?

Thanks again!

All boxed

2006-03-21T07:38:00.000-06:00

I’m suffering from another bout of severe depression. I’ve been taking my meds per doctor’s orders, yet every once in a while I find myself stuck in a vortex of emotion and I feel detached from anything and everything. These words merely touch the tip of how I really feel. Imagine you are inside a flexible clear box. The box moves when you move. Everything outside the box is normal but you inside the box are nothing but a mass of hormones on LSD. If I try to talk to people I end up crying. Not from something said but for no apparent reason. Mentally or physically I feel ill equipped to handle even the smallest of tasks. During these phases, my past is way too painful to ponder, my future is nonexistent and my present is so intolerable that I simply unplug.

At any rate, these dark episodes never last and I eventually regain my equilibrium. The only reason I share this with anyone is not for pity but to let you know that I haven’t given up blogging, I’m waiting till I’m not so…scattered (*cough* nuts).

Actually, there’s nothing really new in my life to write about. My sister is still in her own world, not willing to deal with problems let alone her husbands. Her diet pill addiction has ceased (for the moment) but her shopping addiction is in full swing. I can’t believe she actually thinks my husband and I don’t notice her hiding shopping bags or that we don’t notice all the new stuff that suddenly appears around the house. ACK.

My BIL is still in denial about his misdeeds and the consequences that have sprung from said misdeeds. His court hearing led to nothing as yet, the evidence against him is being investigated. There is a discrepancy on the part of the prosecutors which in reality is the truth but it still doesn’t negate the fact that he committed a crime. In the beginning, I used to be angry at him for what he’s done to my sister, himself and others but now I just feel sorry for him. I try not to judge him…I’ve made horrible mistakes too. I’m no better than him but I don’t lie about my sins and act like I’m just a sad little puppy that’s lost his way. At least, since all the legal matters are being resolved he hasn’t indulged in his addiction. Or should I say one of his addictions.

My husband is faring okay but still in the agonizing throes of changing his eating habits. Praise the Lord he still has his job. It is hard to believe he has contracted with this company for almost two years. We are very blessed.

I’ll return with more news later. :-)

Gone fishing?

2006-03-17T10:44:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’m in the middle of putting out fires, holding onto my sanity and keeping my sister from doing something stupid.

Love to all. :-)

More comment responses

2006-03-13T05:32:00.000-06:00

Jill-- I certainly can relate. In the beginning of my marriage I enjoyed moving from state to state while my husband “contracted” but after many set backs and illnesses all I want now is to own a small home and never have to move again.

How very kind of you to respond to my post and I truly hope many blessings come your way. Thanks Jill!

Dawn Marie-- I love cats! I adore dogs too but I grew up with many cats and only one dog. They both have a sense about their care-takers and I find it sad that some people don’t have that same kind of bond with their pets.

Corry-- It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day, I had been prioritizing my will before Gods. The past few years I’ve been trying to deal with my illness, money troubles and the unhealthy relationships between my family members and I lost sight of my true goal. I try to control my life so much that I become obsessed with wanting to organize every second of my day or even week. Funny, it was after reading your blog and Pia’s that it dawned on me how caught up I was in pushing God out of my life.

And Corry, please don’t waste a single tear for me. Nothing I’ve been through or will go through will keep me down for too long. I may whine and vent via my blog but comparatively speaking my life is a breeze. The day to day suffering of so many millions of people, especially children, is much more than what I go through. You are such a gift to me. I’ve learned many lessons from your love and kindness and the thought of you possibly shedding a tear for me…well…please don’t, I will be fine.

Dr. John-- I bet your mother-in-law sat up nights coaching her cat to hiss at you, lol. I understand some people don’t relate well with cats. I’m sorry you’ve missed out on that type of soothing interaction but I’m sure you’ve found other ways to feel that type of love. Thanks for helping me to smile.

Pia-- You are wise beyond your years. Every comment you leave, is like a ray of sunshine. Thanks for all the “hugs” and prayers, they are very comforting. :-)

Vineet-- Wow, I never looked at my situation in that way. While I’m definitely not a financial expert (Duh!), I would love to help anyone I can with the knowledge I gain from the experience. Thank you for the idea and for your offer of help with my blog!

Erin-- Unfortunately, my husband and I don’t qualify for section-8. It’s not that we can’t afford to pay rent, it’s just that our credit so bad that any place that would even consider renting to us are demanding triple deposits fees. Plus, the one thing I want more than getting out of this house is having enough money to buy a house whether mobile/manufactured or a small home. Once I leave I don’t want to ever come back.

Thanks for the information about AOD. Your comment really soothed my frazzled nerves. And it’s odd that you mentioned my husband should eat small frequent snacks because he eats the exact opposite. He rarely eats until dinner and then he over does it. Thankfully, he has never been much of a “sweets” eater. He rarely eats dessert, he eats mostly meats and vegetables.

Thanks again Erin, you are a very thoughtful and informative blogger friend!

Shellie-- It’s wonderful to “meet” you! Thank you for your prayers, your “hugs” and the comforting comment. :-)

Mrs. Darling-- You never cease to amaze me! Thank you for dropping by and keeping me in your thoughts. :-)

Survivin-- I’m feeling ultra guilty! You are so kind and very busy yet you take time to leave me a comment. Thank you so much!

BTW, I love your new house…I’m a bit jealous. ;-) I’ll keep you in my prayers also.

Trying to be

2006-03-10T03:33:00.000-06:00

Whether I am labeled, candy-ass (my father), fragile/weak (sister) or mentally challenged (my perception of how the world sees me) I’m learning each day what I am made of. I’ve always wanted to be “That girl”, the one that saves the day, over-comes all odds and brings joy to all who knows her but instead I’m the “Girl Interrupted”. I’m fighting for my life but oh so ungracefully. I put my foot in my mouth every chance I get and wonder constantly why anyone on earth could possibly love me. I’m the proverbial black sheep of the family or pink elephant in the middle of the room. Okay, I’ll stop, you get my point. What I’m trying to say is that the past week I’ve suffered a series of mini nervous breakdowns and I’m back to doubting myself again. Just when I thought I was on the road to well-ness (mentally) I feel even more frozen in fear. I’ve compiled a list of the past week events and maybe some kind soul can give me some advice:

My husband was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes (I thought this was a disease only obese people got, boy was I misinformed).
Every week, heck, everyday I deal with two major diseases and at times the pain wipes away any tiny bit of energy I have. From a neurological standpoint, I sometimes even have trouble getting my thoughts put into words and I stumble over my words and I end up sounding like a complete idiot.
Our savings has gone to car repairs and other miscellaneous bills. This means my husband and I can’t move out of my sister’s house probably for another two years if ever.
My sister fluctuates between anorexia and an addiction to a drug that she is willing to steal if need be.
My BIL has a court hearing next week and the outcome could possibly mean jail-time, probation, exorbitant legal fees, the loss of a license that enables him to make a very lucrative living or no legal consequences at all.
Both my BIL and sister have NO coping skills and with all the stress bombarding them they are making everyone miserable. Really really really miserable.
I caught my sister in two major lies, although she doesn’t know I know. She is a master at manipulating but more so with lying. Of all things, she knows she can trust me and I’ve been there for her every time she’s needed me and yet she still lies to me. It hurts my heart.
Last Wednesday I couldn’t handle the stress of my sister and BIL’s craziness combined with my lack of independence (when it comes to doing simple daily chores) so I did some light cleaning and my body is still trying to repair the damage my cleaning stint caused. Every muscle, joint and even my skin aches and I feel shooting pains in my upper back and neck. The one activity I use to thoroughly enjoy before I became ill was cleaning and even that is taken from me.
Chemicals, perfume, shampoos, lotions, cigarette smoke even the dye in newspapers sucks the air right out of my lungs. I can be in my bedroom on the other side of the house and if my sister sprays Pam to grease a frying pan I can smell it! What the heck is that all about? There is a certain drink (that shall remain nameless) in a green and black can that for some odd reason can put me in tears. When my niece or BIL drinks it and I smell it, it feels like someone is vacuuming the air directly from my lungs. My BIL thought I was lying so he tried to trick me by pouring the drink in a coffee mug and walk around the living room drinking from the mug. The minute he walked into the room I couldn’t breathe and he was flabbergasted that I knew/smelt the drink that instantaneously.
The more my BIL falls apart my sister becomes more helpless. She can’t stand it when someone else is troubled/sick/sad/depressed more than she is. She craves attention and she will do extreme things to get attention…okay…the real deal is that both my sister and BIL are nut cases, even more so than me. Living with them has been difficult and I’m always in freak mode waiting for the next shoe to drop.
My two dearest friends that I’ve known for eons live in Florida and I never get to see them. Our lives have taken separate directions and even though we still communicate via phone and emails, not sharing in their daily lives leaves me feeling very lonely.

Most of my days are spent trying to relieve pain or get comfortable, be the least dependant on those around as I can, help my family members any way I can and strengthen my relationship with God. I’m not a fan of organized religion and I don’t attend church services but I do have an unbreakable believe in God and Jesus and thankfully this part of my life gives me great joy. My little world is normally in shambles on a daily basis but my trust and love for God never falters. I guess you could say that half my life is spent in misery and the other half in ecstasy. What I envisioned my life from early adulthood, middle age to old age is so far from reality and I’m trying to reconcile the two. I’m trying to be what God wants me to be and therein lies the struggle. My will, free will and His will, it’s a bit overwhelming.

There is more that I’d like to write but I’m out of energy. Thanks for listening.

Part II (from yesterday)

2006-03-02T20:24:00.000-06:00

I sat in my room, fuming, wondering when my husband and I would ever get respite from our financial burdens (among other burdens too). As I sat upright on my bed, legs extended out and my computer on my lap I noticed something tugging at my brain. Or, shall I say pressing on my feet. My adorable, beautiful, she-devil of a cat had found her way onto the bed, planted her little body at the end of the bed with her soft-padded feet touching my feet. Over a period of time she had been very gently pushing her back paws against my feet and because of my intense anger it took me awhile to notice her. I don’t know what she was trying to accomplish, maybe love pats of a sort, but it worked because she actually made me smile. Her sweet little paws gently pushing against my feet periodically for over an hour was her way of letting me know that she was there waiting on me for what ever I needed. I put my computer down and just sat and watched her and my heart felt some relief. She is a beautiful creature with large green eyes and I am so thankful to have her in my life.

Pin pricks and nerve endings

2006-03-01T16:42:00.000-06:00

Our meager savings that took two years to build is gone.

Unexpected car problems totaling over $2,200 dollars, part of my medical bills and a few other financial burdens morphed into a gigantic money eating blob and now my husband and I have nothing. I’m in shock. It feels like my body is continuing to move but my mind has gone completely numb.

I know life is difficult, I know I have to be strong and that crap happens but a few days ago I went to bed comforted by the thought that eventually I would be moving out of my sister’s house. Today, I woke up to a dream that may never be realized. I don’t want to be nice about it. I want to be angry, sad and angry again!

But, this attitude will only drain me even more, so after the shock wears off I need to pick my self up and thank the Lord for all his many Blessings.

Johari window?

2006-02-25T09:00:00.000-06:00

I found this whilst surfing and I apologize but I don't remember whose blog I found it from. I'm not sure what to make of it but feel free to participate if you'd like.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=MaryroseM

Thank you.

Feeling loved

2006-02-25T08:51:00.000-06:00

Comment Responses:

Pia- You reminded me that I have a large extended family that loves me, just by calling me “Sis”. Being sisters in Christ is such a wonderful gift. Thank you and I love you too!

Dr. John- Thank you for teaching me the lesson of how to “think before I speak”. Thank you for your prayers and the nice welcome back. I’ve added you to my prayer list also. :-)

Dawn Marie- I chuckled when I read your comment. I do take anti-depressants and I also have a cat! I must really be messed up. ;-)

Deb- Your hugs always help, whether in person or through email. I’m still praying for your step dad and keep taking your glorious pictures.

Hipmomma- The words “Thank you” aren’t enough but thank you anyway. You are one of the most loyal, caring and sweetest blogging buddies I’ve had the good fortune to know. Don’t freak out…I do love you and don’t worry about saying it back. ;-)

Corry- I draw strength from you and my admiration for you keeps growing. Thank you for your prayers!

Mrs. Darling- Don’t ever change, you have a warm loving heart and you stand by your convictions. Even when you are incredibly busy and under enormous stress you take the time to make sure others are cared for, thank you!

Morris- I don’t know what to say except thank you. :-)

Where I’ve been…

2006-02-20T09:06:00.000-06:00

…actually I haven’t stepped foot out of this house. I took my fragile heart and psyche, wrapped it in a cocoon and shut out all distractions. My mind-game of “illness denial” faded and in its place I was clobbered with the reality that my flame is going to burn out slowly but oh so ugly and painfully. My sight is deteriorating along with my right lung. It’s a very slow decline but I can’t seem to bounce back from each attack on my system. I guess I use denial or I block out chunks of time as a way to cope but it doesn’t last.

I don’t know how to be selfless, to take each blow with grace and not complain. Other people suffering much more than I handle their suffering without caving into the fear and pain. I never planned for this form of poor health. I always imagined dying quickly or suddenly but instead it’s a slow deliberate stalking of every joy or bit of normalcy that made up what was once my life.

So, I go to my safe place, inside my head and hide. Eventually, my coping mechanism resets and I “pretend” I will heal and resume my life.

I don’t have much support in my face-to-face world, so it is with much gratefulness that I thank all the wonderful bloggers that have been there for me. You all are a tremendous spiritual lift and I owe you what’s left of my sanity. THANK YOU!

Turtle time again

2006-02-13T10:15:00.000-06:00

I have to disappear for a day or two. As soon as I’m back I’ll respond to everyone’s comments.

Spooky

2006-02-10T18:18:00.000-06:00

Uh…just here to leave a quick post. I will be watching a movie tonight (The Exorcism of Emily Rose) and all I can say is…I’m sleeping with the lights on tonight!

Also, one of my favorite video games (Silent Hill) has been turned into a movie and will be in theaters sometime in April. I fervently hope that it stays as scary as the game.

Explanations

2006-02-10T13:53:00.000-06:00

Several bloggers have written to me stating they don’t understand why my husband and I still live in my sisters home if we have enough money to pay over six-hundred dollars a month rent and this is why…bad credit. It’s not the only reason but it is the main reason. The other day I began a search of my archives hoping for a post that would explain our financial mess but I became a bit depressed after reading some old posts. So, I’ve decided to (as brief as I can) write down all the embarrassing details:

A culmination of 5 job lay-offs (between both my husband and I) in eight years, the last one due to the September 11th terrorist attack, very effectively wiped out our savings and any monetary resources we had. My health began to decline and my husband looked for employment for almost two years without even a nibble by any company. We were living in Seattle and at that point Boeing was laying off thousands of people and the economy was abysmal. After all our money was gone, even unemployment, we were evicted from our apartment and spent the next six months homeless living in our car.

Finally, my husband was given a temporary job that lasted a month. On the heels of that job my husband was offered a contracting position that lasted four months. After this job ended my husband and I moved in with my sister and BIL in the belief that another contracting job would begin in five weeks and we would be only staying in their home as visitors and not living there full time. The job fell through and it would be a couple of months before he found another position. After much thought, my husband and I agreed that we needed a place to stay while we save enough money to buy a travel trailer or mobile home; something that was paid for completely so there would be no fear of eviction if our financial situation became dire as before. We’ve tried to rent rooms, apartments or homes but due to the legal action against us from the eviction and tons of other bills we haven’t yet paid off, our credit rating is such that no one will rent to us.

Basically, we have a list of bills that we are slowly paying off, along with new and old medical bills, while trying desperately to put as much money into savings and pay rent to my sister. The monthly rent has only recently been raised to $600 hundred a month because my BIL no longer has a job. I don’t feel my BIL and sister are being fair about the amount or fair in their treatment of my husband and me but it is what it is. Moreover, there are several more factors that I haven’t included in my blog that would make my decision a bit more clear but I’m not ready to write about them. I wrote this post merely to help readers get a bit of the bigger picture. For those of you who have heard all this before, sorry for the redundancy.

I want to write more but I’ve been coughing almost all morning and I’m exhausted. Thanks for your interest in my life and I love you all. :)

Invisible

2006-02-08T18:34:00.000-06:00

This is going to sound strange…can anyone see this post? Or, is any one else having problems with blogspot.com? My last two or three posts aren’t visible when I view my blog. The only way I can “see” the posts is to log onto blogspot.com and go to the “edit/create” page. Very odd.

Also, a very wonderful blogger friend, Deb needs some prayers. A family member is quite ill and my heart goes out to her. Thanks in advance.

Love to all!

Surface

2006-02-07T06:06:00.000-06:00

I taped the season finale for “Surface” Monday evening and watched it this morning. The finale was awesome but I’m dreading the news that the show won’t be picked up for another season. Please, if anyone has any info, shoot me off an email or comment. Thank you.

Also, for any soap fans out there GH is in one of its “good cycles”! Robert Scorpio is back on the show along with Robin. I’m wondering if Anna will show up. The scenes between Sonny and Emily (can’t believe I’m actually writing this) are *hot*. When I first realized the writer’s intention of putting those two together I was a bit freaked out. Emily is sooooo much younger than Sonny but the actors are pulling it off. The actress playing Emily is incredibly beautiful, although her acting skills need a bit more fine tuning. Oooh, and I like the bickering and tension between Robin and Dr. Patrick Drake.

Update:

After checking out IMDB.com I found out the actress playing the part of Emily (Natalia Livingston) is actually older than I thought (29 almost 30, if I remember correctly). What made me think she was closer to age 22?

2006-02-06T04:57:00.000-06:00

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Regressing

2006-02-06T04:16:00.000-06:00

What does it mean when you can find me watching “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (for the umpteenth time)? What does it mean when I feel so freaked out that my right cheek tingles and every fiber in my being screams RUN, LEAVE OR GET OUT? What does it mean…I don’t know! For some reason I’m terrified and feel as though I have no safe place to find refuge or to recharge.

I’ve had a migraine off and on for the past three days. I’m sorry but I’m not being completely honest. At this very minute I’m trying to cope with yet another stressful situation. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Go to sleep, wake up, day after day starting the process over and over again but meanwhile the fear and pain remain. I don’t want to be the proverbial wimpy woman that cries hysterically when disaster strikes but I think I am. My father said that I am a selfish, candy-ass that refuses to live outside my comfort zone. He can’t be right; I don’t have a comfort zone anymore. I moved past comfort zone years ago. Everyday I find myself facing new and old obstacles and I try with all my might to make it through the day with grace, kindness and some sense of strength. Is this a sign of a weak person? Have I been blessed with so much and thrown it away in a juvenile tantrum while raging at life’s unfairness? I question everything. I thought I knew right from wrong but maybe my perception is skewed.

I need to stop this rambling; I’m even making my self sick with my inadequacies.

Dear friends

2006-02-02T08:19:00.000-06:00

I am self-centered and sometimes I forget this, then I remember and it jars me awake. The knowledge that I can be so selfish makes me almost physically ill. At the moment I can’t stand myself.

With that said, for all of you readers that believe in the power of prayer please pray for my friends Corry and Pia. They are wonderful, God-fearing and lovely human beings! Each one has faced tremendous obstacles in life but they handle their struggles with grace and much strength. I adore these women! Their loyalty towards me, even when I’m not there for them, is immeasurable.

I love you Corry and Pia and I will keep you in my prayers always.

“He’s at it again” Comment Update

2006-02-02T04:12:00.000-06:00

To Satin Jenni-- Between my husband and my BIL they finally got the network fixed. When it concerns my BIL you never know what the truth is and he is very vengeful. He used to fool around with the Internet connection all the time so none of the household could have net access. He has many good qualities but his bad-side comes out much too often.

Thank you for the praise regarding my blog! I know my blog needs lots of work and my writing skills are few so it is a huge thrill to read nice comments such as yours. A big thanks to you!

To Dawn-- Yes, my husband and I have gone over our situation many times, in fact, almost every minute of the day. I wouldn’t call the treatment from my sister and BIL abuse because we have the option to leave. Of course, we would be either living in our car again or in a place that would wipe out our tiny savings. Your prayers are gratefully received and I thank you so much.

To Dawn Marie-- Mine is such a long and complicated story! In my archives I’m sure I have the low-down regarding my reasons for living with my sister, I’ll have to sift through and find them for you. Thanks for coming back to my blog time and time again and leaving very uplifting comments. :)

Oh, and I’m so jealous of you! You live in Montana, how awesome. I wish my husbands company had an office there, I’d move in a minute.

Welcome to the house of fun?

2006-01-30T06:10:00.000-06:00

There’s nothing like waking up and stepping into a nest of hornets waiting to pounce. Have you ever walked into a room filled with people and you sense that some drama had played itself out just before you made your entrance?

Still groggy from a lovely deep sleep having had no sleep the night before from coughing my lungs up all night long, I casually made my way to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. Out of habit, I scanned the different rooms for the Other’s (sister, BIL and niece), looking for signs of trouble, fighting or any chaos that would require me to run for the hills (my bedroom). At first glance everyone looked busy or content, but boy was I wrong. My niece was in rare form and whiny and obnoxious doesn’t fully define her actions during the next several hours. My BIL is possibly facing a stint in jail and hasn’t worked in six months. Between bills and lawyer fees his trust fund has run out and all my BIL and sister have to live on is their savings. My sister floats from room to room playing the martyr and acts like her world is falling apart, which in her case it is. As of today I have no pity for either one of them. The reason they are in dire straits is because of my BIL’s addiction and my sister’s share of the blame runs deep but is too long and complicated to write about at the moment. I don’t find joy in their suffering, I don’t sit in my room relishing their down-fall but I do believe the karma like justice befalling them is more than fair.

Here is a sample of my sister’s daily antics. Every day I find her crying or “acting” emotionally distraught. At these moments I ask her if she needs a hug or would she like to talk. I rack my brain for ways to cheer her up or calm her down. Most often she pushes me away and acts like I have nothing she needs. Still, I keep putting myself out there, ready to be a shoulder to cry on. I’m not saying their problems are small but we all have burdens to bear and their burdens are not tragedies dumped on them but burdens they themselves made. Today, I found my sister in tears on a few occasions but for some reason I was hesitant to comfort her. Maybe because I’m tired of her rejection or maybe it’s because she was acting very childish around me, I’m not sure but I kept to myself. Then, while my niece was in her room listening to music (rare occurrence), my husband and BIL were out running some errands, my sister starts crying and tells me that she woke up at 4am in the morning and tried to gas herself to death in her car. I was stunned. I couldn’t speak or think. She said she couldn’t go through with it because she found an old picture of her daughter in the front seat of the car. The next few hours were a blur to me as I grappled with the possibility of my sister’s demise. I must have looked very tortured by my thoughts because finally my sister comes waltzing back into the living room and says, “I was just joking about the car thingy”. AND, she had the audacity to smile when she said she was just joking.

So, you can understand why I feel NO pity for either my BIL or sister while they deal with the consequences of their bad behavior. Gosh, I’m still sick to my stomach from just the thought of my sister sitting in her car slowly dying. I must go and find a way to relax and let the very toxic feelings leave my mind.

Joy

2006-01-29T18:04:00.000-06:00

I’m back and so excited that I don’t know what to do first! I have a ton of blogs to read, plus answer questions and write comments. :)

He's at it again

2006-01-27T10:36:00.000-06:00

I have maybe a minute or a few seconds to cut and paste this post, I hope it works.

I’ve tried, really really tried but I’m floating in a sea of anger. Once you move beyond a certain age (oh, lets say over forty years old) manners and consideration shouldn’t be a difficult concept. Furthermore, when you make a mistake…a big huge whopper of a mistake, just own it, apologize and make amends. Don’t wallow in your guilt and cause every one around you to suffer. You messed up Mr. and you know who you are and what you did. If you hadn’t noticed from the last time you were incarcerated, consequences are real and there is no f-ing tooth fairy! Now you have a new set of troubles with another chance at incarceration but you act (key word, ACT) like you are so repentant and have huge sad eyes but you know and I know that it’s a farce.

For the past few days my Internet time has been taken away. I get a few minutes and then hours of no connectivity. When I question why this is happening I’m told, “Uh, um…I don’t know”. Then, come to find out, my BIL is trying to change our network to achieve a bit more security but the only thing he can pull off is no more Internet. I’m angry because he lied. I’m angry because he could have had the decency to explain what was happening and given the rest of the house notice so we could get much needed business finished before losing net access. Almost two years of living with my sister, BIL and niece and they have made almost every minute feel like torture. I go out of my way to such an extreme to be kind, loving, helpful and be the house cheerleader but they just keep grinding down my efforts. I’ve spoken of this before, all the crap I put up with on top of having to pay over six hundred dollars a month for renting a tiny bedroom in a small house and I’m a family member to boot. My husband and I also pay for some utilities and household items such as cleaning supplies, trash bags, and some food. Not the food that my husband and I eat but food for all three of them. I’m too upset to write down all of my frustration and the skyscraper of anger and pain that has been built by the lot of them, it would take all day. And the fact that I have no access to the net is just the sum total of all that I’ve endured and not just a minor nuisance that I wouldn’t even rant about. UGH! I have so much freaking time to internalize and just sit and think, and think and think some more. Most of the time, all I have to mark the days are my computer/Internet, books and TV. Being ill, I’m so limited and I depend on certain tools to keep me occupied, such as blogging. Gosh, I wish I could write with skill and grace what is in my heart and on my mind. Words do not come easy for me but my emotions feel so amplified. There are so many things left unsaid. I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I’m just a woman stuck in a sick body and mind and I use most of my time watching way too much TV, reading too many blogs and peruse the net quite a bit. My husband works so many hours, my family members are blobs of self-centeredness, all my close friends live in different states miles away and all I ask for is a tiny space to live as best I can but I’m bombarded with schemes and treachery.

And by now after spilling my guts I would probably feel a tad better but I’m facing the rest of my day and possibly more time beyond that without the Internet. By the time you read this it will probably be days later and I’ll have moved on to another subject.

Sick feeling in my gut

2006-01-24T22:14:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh…the proverbial crap has hit the fan. Life in my sister’s house has just gone from precarious to the sky is falling. I don’t have any details at the moment but I can say that the “trouble” is aimed at my sister and BIL and only an indirect risk to my husband and myself. As for blogging, I’m not sure if I will be able to post much. I’m so sorry for being so tight-lipped but anonymity is crucial.

Back soon

2006-01-23T16:08:00.000-06:00

Just popped in to say that I’ve been feeling a bit poorly the past few days and I will get back to everyone as soon as I can. :)

Stunned

2006-01-21T16:51:00.000-06:00

What mother would let her (just turned) twelve year old watch the movie “The Deer Hunter”?

Update:

I've been told I'm too sensitive and by reading everyone's comments maybe I am. I saw "The Deer Hunter" when I was seventeen and was very disturbed by the content, possibly because my father fought in Vietnam. The Russian Roulette scenes were brutal and to this day I can’t comprehend how people can hurt each other so viciously.

Also, my sister is very irresponsible with what she lets my niece watch on TV maybe that is why I was so harsh in my post. My niece is afraid if the wind blows and if there is any violence or someone getting shot she cries and screams for my sister to turn the channel. My sister will do just about anything to keep my niece out of her hair, even when the show is very inappropriate for a twelve year old.

Thanks for the comments everyone!

Post 1/14 "Here's your chance"

2006-01-20T02:56:00.000-06:00

Update--

To: Jenny, Jay, Dawn Marie, Corry and Pia thank you so much for the compliments. I feel a bit uncomfortable as I was expecting lots of comments leaning more towards the other end of the spectrum, but your kindness makes me feel wonderful and loved so I’ll take your comments to heart.

Dave, I really appreciate the honesty and I agree implicitly, my blog is grossly pink. The last several months I’ve been desperately trying to design a template closer to my personal tastes but I have so many ideas and can’t decide on any one single design. Risk taker I am not, hopefully I’ll make a decision soon, especially for the poor bloggers that read my blog.

Pie/anonymous, who are you and how do you know me so well!! I say that line from Monty Python, oh, at least five times a week. And I “fart in your general direction”. Thanks for making me laugh! If you know me email me, I’m busting a gut trying to figure out who you are or if I know you personally.

Boiling

2006-01-19T13:53:00.000-06:00

I’m extremely angry at the moment. Add sad to that feeling of anger and you've got a volatile mix of emotions. Please dear readers, understand that my intentions are not to hurt anyone with the words I will put forth but I if I don’t let go of my anger I think I will combust.

What I need to say is this: Be ever mindful what you say to others!

My sister has a habit of opening up her mouth without thinking or maybe she just doesn’t care. If you have children and can’t handle the stress of raising them don’t come crying to me that you wish you never had them. And please don’t say, “I love my child and would never give them up but I wish I never had her”. I was never given the privilege to have children and I really don’t care that it’s the hardest job in the world. When I see my sister’s daughter look up at her mother with love in her eyes or watching my niece say “I love you mom” on Mother’s Day and then my sister turns to me in her whiny voice and says she can’t handle being a mom and that she wishes she never had children. Life is stressful and we ALL have problems but don’t be so callous with your words to me. I have an arsenal of weapons I could fire upon my sister to hurt her the way she hurts me but I don’t. I don’t enjoy being cruel to people and I don’t spew out words without thinking, why does she?

With that said, please people, think before you speak, you just might be ripping someone’s heart out.

Here's your chance

2006-01-14T04:57:00.000-06:00

I've decided to try something new. I want criticism from my readers, well, constructive criticism that is. This is your chance to tell me what you perceive to be my major flaws. Whether personal or regarding my blog, just let it all out and don’t spare my feelings I want total honesty.

Please know this isn’t some sadistic need to have a barrage of insults thrown my way, I just feel that sometimes I get too caught up in my daily struggles that I can’t see a bigger picture.

Thank you.

Boring bits

2006-01-09T04:09:00.000-06:00

I have switched (yet again) from one anti-depression medication to another, mainly to save money. While my doctor usually gives me samples, he has on occasion been out of my particular brand. I’m relieved that my future out-of-pocket expenditures will be drastically cut. BUT…and this is a large “but”…for the next few weeks, I will be adjusting my dosage to meet my depression needs. I was told by my doctor that the exact dosage can’t be matched (to my previous brand) with any kind of precision so I will start off with the smallest dosage first. It might explain my inability to write many blog entries lately and why I can’t stop crying. Ah, the lovely life of chronic depression.

Before I forget, the reason for my last post was because I sometimes think my niece has tunnel vision. Her focus is usually on herself and what can be done for her. She is only observant if it involves something worthwhile for her. I don’t mean to pick on the girl but at twelve years old I would hope most children know what lasagna is. Or, at least what noodles and pasta are made of. Every dinner she has ever eaten was something along the lines of mac-n-cheese, cereal, Ramen noodles, cereal, Spaghettios, cereal, crackers with cheese slices, mashed potatoes or CEREAL. So, my interest was piqued when she asked my sister if she could have a bit of lasagna (Stouffers) which was being served to my BIL at that moment. Several bites later my niece turns to my sister and with complete sincerity asks, “What’s in lasagna”? I couldn’t believe my ears. Even my sister looked at her a bit cross-eyed and said, “Pasta, mozzarella cheese, hamburger and marinara sauce”. Then my niece asked what pasta was made of and when my sister said flour/wheat my niece just went back to eating and didn’t say another word until she was finished with her meal.

Maybe I’m reacting a bit harsh, but twelve years old and she doesn’t know what pasta is? When it comes to my niece, sometimes, I just walk away shaking my head, the things that come out of her mouth.

Humor me

2006-01-06T14:33:00.000-06:00

Please, if you have time, I have a question for all of you. The question is this: At what age did you become aware of the ingredients in the dinners your parents cooked for you, specifically Lasagna? Also, did you know what pasta was made of at that age?

Thank you!

Resolution generator

2006-01-02T11:11:00.000-06:00

In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Get further into debt.

Get your resolution here

Further in debt...NOT POSSIBLE!

Control freaks and double-standards are hard to live with or by

2006-01-01T03:56:00.000-06:00

The last six days have been close to bliss, barring all physical ailments of course. Christmas evening my niece and sister flew to the coast to visit my father. My husband (off work for the holidays), BIL and I spent quality time together while my sister and niece were gone and basically had a great time. Our days were filled with Xbox game tournaments and watching TV/movies with the sound turned up so I actually heard what was being said. Meals and chores were done on our time and without a fuss. Lots of entertaining conversations and laughter abounded. There was peace and order to our days. I actually felt motivated to get up and out of bed in the morning. What I didn’t notice until my sister came home was how relaxed my BIL appeared the week she was gone.

The very minute my sister and niece stepped through the front door, I felt tension. Five hours later I felt stressed, angry and wished I was any where other than my sister’s house. I mean, I know my sister is self-centered and demanding but the level of attention-seeking and desire for control is sickening. I watched as my BIL became another person, a robot. Every aspect of life in her home was changed, uprooted or challenged. For instance, the furniture in the living room was changed to suit her needs and no one else’s. Dinner had to be eaten when she wanted even though no one else was hungry. She closed all the windows and complained of how cold she was even though the rest of us were a bit warm. Dallas is having a slight heat wave this winter. Tomorrow the high is predicted to rise to 80 degrees. The TV became her domain and after her chosen movie was watched she informed us (her subjects) that she was going to sleep. With much anticipation, my BIL, husband and I sat down to watch the movie we wanted. Ten minutes into the movie my sister sends my niece into the living room and we are commanded to turn the volume down because she has a headache. Which translates to, no movie for us because without the sound what’s the point. This was the moment where I started to get angry. After having to cater to her every whim most of the day and her pathetic fits if she wasn’t the center of every one’s attention (even the fricking dog), I realized just how much I dislike my sister. She controls every thing to an insane degree and her double standards are outrageous. The sad part is that the examples I’ve given are just a tiny fraction of the control or demands she places on her household.

I’ve always known that living with my sister was difficult at best but now I wish she had never gone on vacation because I long for the serenity and simple fun that was experienced when she was gone. Sort of like the “you can’t miss what you’ve never had” mentality.

The only way I know how to deal with all the many trials in my life is to resign myself to the fact that nothing is going to get better…ever. So, I keep praying for God to make me stronger (more able to cope) and hope I can live out my days with a semblance of dignity. In the meantime you’ll find me sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth humming, “Tra la la, la la la la”.

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!

Up hill and not so sighted

2005-12-28T20:07:00.000-06:00

Happy freaking birthday to me…and for my first gift...I lose my drivers license! I’m so angry at myself. I realized my Drivers License expires at midnight as it is my birthday. I muster all the energy within me and head over to the license office, fill out all the paper work and pay the fees. I then press my face into the evil eye testing machine as instructed and look for line five, but the fifth line is so fuzzy I can’t read a single number. I stand with my face pressed tightly against the machine praying for the numbers to become clear and visible but they remain blurred. When did my eyes get so bad? I haven’t driven in quite some time and I’m usually homebound but still, it’s such a shock.

Now, I must spend more money that I don’t have for an eye exam and glasses. Then, I have to take a written exam, driving test (how embarrassing at my age) and the dreaded eye test. It is a very odd feeling to know that I have no current license.

As for being my birthday, I could care less. I don’t feel negatively about getting older I’m just not in a celebratory frame of mind. In fact, I feel like a total failure. I’m losing myself. This isn’t whining it’s just a factual observation. I’m unable to participate in my own life due to all my ailments and even the smallest events are an up hill battle.

I know, shut up and buck up.

Peace

2005-12-26T19:09:00.000-06:00

Christmas day was one of the most magical days I’ve had in maybe ten years. The five days leading up to this awesome day were spent vomiting and sleeping and more vomiting. Apparently, the iron needed to heal my blood also makes me sick. But, after five days of trial and error I’m able to take half the dose the doctor prescribed but I have to abstain from food or coffee two hours before and three hours after every dosage.

So, I woke up Christmas day without any queasiness and filled with a peace only God can give. My sister, BIL, niece and husband spent the day together in perfect harmony with smiles and laughter. Every wicked thing my sister has ever done to me just flew from my heart and I feel I finally understand her and why she hurts the people she loves. I know we will never have the relationship I long for but I no longer feel suffocated with the loss of what could be. Then…believe it or not, my BIL told me that he feels closer to me than ever before and that my friendship truly matters to him. He actually bought my husband and me an incredible Christmas present, one share of stock in a great company (not named for privacy reasons). My sister bought me a box of Godiva chocolates, yummy! My husband bought me the DVD movie “Serenity”, he knows me so well. And the icing on the cake was all the wonderful Christmas wishes from my blogging friends. I am so sorry for my lack of personal Christmas greetings to you all and as soon as I can I will email each and every one of you.

I have a special request. Tooling around Blog Explosion I read a young woman’s blog that had me in tears. She is coping with a life change as she was paralyzed in a car accident. Forgetful me, I don’t remember the name of the blog but the woman’s name is Natalie. Please pray for her. I can’t imagine the suffering she must be feeling and only nineteen years old.

I hope every one is having a great holiday!

Ho Ho Ho

2005-12-19T11:37:00.000-06:00

…um…where to begin…I guess I’ll just spit it out…

My husband and I are not moving out of my sister’s house on January 1^st as I mentioned before. My sister and I discussed our mutual “hardship” situations and we came up with another plan that would help each other out. Hubby and I will be staying for three more months but this time we will pay more rent. My BIL still hasn’t found/looked for a job and my sister doesn’t want to dig into their savings. It would appear that I’m selling out and basically I am but in my defense, being ill has taken a substantial toll on my body.

I’ve also been putting my heart and soul into healing my mind, plus dealing with the damaging effects of depression. My life is so complicated, the baggage I’ve been carrying around for so long has permeated every part of my existence. Like a vicious cycle, every time I try to work towards my goals another part of my life spins out of control. If I seem distant and post infrequently this is the reason. I’m trying desperately to get a grip on all my mental issues. I know I need to do this for myself but I feel so sad that I’m abandoning my friends (bloggers and real life).

With that said, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all of you wonderful, caring and loyal friends.

May God bless!

doctor talk

2005-12-14T00:47:00.000-06:00

The last 48 hours kicked my butt. I’ve never felt such acute fatigue and weakness in my life. In fact, for a brief moment I thought I was near death. Even today I’m still quite weak and tired but feeling much better.

After a visit to a digestive specialist (last Friday) the colonoscopy and endoscopy ordered by my family physician was postponed due to my breathing difficulties. The specialist ordered more blood work and apparently my blood count is very low again. I was prescribed a high dosage iron pill to be taken three times a day for the next month. The doctor made such a fuss about my anemic condition and after the past two days of feeling so ill I realize I need to be ever mindful of my doctor’s instructions.

Out of curiosity, my blood count level was 8, how low is this? I was given my results over the phone and was too flustered to ask the nurse any questions.

Stones

2005-12-12T03:30:00.000-06:00

What if Stonehenge was simply a communal home or meeting place built with no other purpose but to keep the inhabitants safe and warm? Archeologists and other scientists have spent so much time trying to find answers and this would mean all their hard work was for naught.

Okay, I’m not serious but it gave me a chuckle just thinking about it.

Not very motherly

2005-12-09T02:12:00.000-06:00

It dawned on me this morning that I’ve never discussed my step-mother on this blog. I guess the “out of sight, out of mind” theory works well with regards to “her”. Being that my father lives on the west coast and he has disowned me (roughly three years ago) our paths never cross.

The first time we met was about nine years ago. I was actually thrilled to meet her and first impressions gave me hope that my father found himself a wonderful new wife. My husband and I stayed a weekend at her home to meet her and attend to some business in town. I could easily see how my father fell for her as her physical being looked like a cross between my moms older and younger sisters. The resemblance was eerie. She was so well mannered and kind. I felt like I could tell her my life story and at one point I did reveal certain confidences about my troubles with the sister (Eve) I am living with now. Big mistake!

Several years past before I saw her again and I was still under the impression my step-mom was an honest caring person. On the other hand, my eldest sibling (Lucy) firmly and maybe obsessively believed that my step-mom was the spawn of Satan. I laughed behind Lucy’s back because I met our father’s new wife and she was kind and attractive. I must say at one point (when we were informed of my fathers marriage) I was a tad bit concerned because the nuptials were rushed and by rushed I mean that step-moms late husband had only been dead for a couple of months before my father and SM married. Lucy swore that our new SM killed her husband and was now sinking her talons into my father for his wealth. I was so sickened by my sister Lucy’s allegations that I stopped speaking to her for awhile.

The next time I spent time with my SM was at a family reunion about four years ago. Once again my visit with her seemed normal and I thought we got along fine. Until I saw how she carried on with my sister (Eve). It was like they were peas in a pod and SM could have cared less about me. Towards the end of the reunion I gleaned information from my older sister Lucy that my SM disliked me and my husband and we were maliciously the “talk of the town”.

Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe my sister Eve used her usual “sucking-up” talents to draw my SM over to her side. My brother thought our SM was a sweet lady so maybe Lucy was trying to cause dissension in the family which was her favorite hobby.

Back to the present. I’ve learned a few lessons since I met my SM nine years ago. The first lesson is, if your sister (Lucy) is the queen of manipulation and deception she is probably good and seeing these traits in other people. One by one each sibling has had some kind of confrontation with my SM and we all have ended up disliking her intensely. It’s as if she is trying to sever the bond my father has with each of his children to keep him all to her self. Or, something of a darker undertaking. Some details about her that cause me to worry are first and foremost the fact that she has had two husbands both deceased aside from my father. We didn’t find out about her having two previous husbands till later, we only knew of the existence of the first husband. She has a daughter and grandchildren that she refuses to speak to or spend time with. But the biggest beef with her is that she lied deliberately to my father concerning me. This lie was part of reason my father won’t speak to me now. I won’t go into any details because it’s very specific and I don’t want my family members to be able to trace me to this blog. Suffice it to say the woman blatantly lied to my father about me and I have witnesses to this event but for some reason my father won’t believe me or doesn’t want to believe me. My brother was the next to find fault with her and then finally Eve. The one sibling that loved my SM the most is now her biggest enemy. Eve now believes as Lucy that my SM is the spawn of Satan. Eve’s dislike stems from something my SM said regarding Eve’s daughter. My sister Eve also believes that our SM is turning my father against his children also.

After some thought my husband feels that my SM is trying to get my father to disown the rest of my siblings because she wants their inheritance. I’m not sure what prompted me to lay all this out in the open, I rarely think of my SM, but there it is.

Criticism and random thoughts

2005-12-02T16:18:00.000-06:00

That’s irony for ya. I write that I’ve never met anyone who liked more jelly than peanut butter on their PB & J sandwich and the one person who agrees with me states that my writing is juvenile. I probably should be offended but the truth is I’ve always known that my writing is inferior. I’m just pleased to have a place to vent and share ideas.

Moving along…I’ve noticed that my battle with depression has a tendency to move forward but then take four steps back. I need a vacation from my self. I long to be lounging on the warm white sands of a Tahitian beach, a refreshing exotic drink in hand and thinking only empty vapid thoughts.

Also, I read this morning that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck named their newborn, Violet. It’s a bit old-fashioned but I love that name!

Deep thoughts...not!

2005-11-29T14:21:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, certain ideas pop into my head, usually upon waking or in dreams and I can’t help but wonder why such ridiculous thoughts even materialize at all. For instance, this morning I awoke to the thought that I’m the only human being I know that prefers more jelly compared to the amount of peanut butter in my PB & J sandwich. Nothing profound or enlightening but just silly inane thoughts, with this in mind, please tell me your preference.

Turtled

2005-11-28T12:27:00.000-06:00

I’m peeking out of my turtle shell. I’ve been hiding out…withdrawing into my secret self. I tend to internalize way too much and a few thoughts have kept me busy.

Apparently, my BIL feels my presence in his home has damaged his relationship with a long time friend. He used a very injurious analogy as to why he believes my husband and I are to blame for the supposed damage. Basically, it amounted to my hubby and I are ingrates as well as moochers and his friend feels uncomfortable being around us.

Let me say up front, my husband is rarely home (works long hours) and when my sister and BIL have friends or guests over I retreat to my bedroom strictly for the purpose of giving everyone space and private time. Thus, I felt safe in the knowledge that my BIL’s friends would experience no discomfort from my invasion of their usual gathering place.

What stands out quite glaringly to me is that my BIL knew that his analogy would cause me pain and that the comparison of my husband and me to a person considered by him as despicable had me reeling. My BIL professes to be a kind, caring, Christian man yet his scathing adjectives regarding mine and my husband’s character gives away his true belief.

I guess one of the reasons I have let his words take up room in my mind is because most of the time he is so nice. He makes me laugh, we have a great rapport and even my sister remarks that she admires our “connection” or believed friendship. I’m left with an unsettling sensation with the polar opposite personalities my BIL puts forth to me.

Also, I have a few more perplexities I’m trying to analyze. Wouldn’t life be easier if people were honest and you didn’t have to surmise what is really on their minds?

Broken blog and turkey gobbles

2005-11-19T03:48:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry if anyone is having problems trying to comment, I'm not sure what is wrong and I have no clue how to fix it.

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

My husband and I have decided to skip the whole dinner thing and give the money to charity. The thought of giving a hot meal to someone who has nothing, is my idea of a great Thanksgiving Day. I’ve been in that position (needy) and it breaks my heart to know others are suffering.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday.

Plugging away

2005-11-18T11:04:00.000-06:00

I think my blog is broken, is anyone having problems commenting?

Anyhoo, I’m still here, still toiling towards a healthy mind. Oh, and the weather has changed, it’s much cooler. Now it actually feels like autumn, I just love it!

Rumination

2005-11-16T01:42:00.000-06:00

Among the other changes going on in my life, I’m taking an inventory of my mental issues (sweeping up the brain dust-bunnies) hoping to cure what ails me. The process so far is about as comfortable as letting go my grip from the edge of a cliff with a rocky bottom thousands of feet below.

One of the biggest challenges for me is integrating my opposite personas. I have a very strong innate propensity to survive…to live. This conflicts with my deep desire to move on to the next realm (Heaven) to be with God and away from all that is evil.

Fear of failure and an extreme loneliness has me bound. I feel so alone most days even with a house full of people. My specific maladies are so isolating and I can’t seem to relate to anyone. None of this probably makes any sense and as I write each word I feel childish bordering on guilt. I was given so much at birth and yet I’m crippled by the evil wrought on me as a little girl. “Just let it go” or “Get over it” hasn’t worked for me. Something has taken up residence in my head and I’m so sad. I search frantically for people to love me and understand me and I feel like such an alien. My only relief is my faith.

When will I ever be comfortable being me?

Chocolate fever

2005-11-13T08:14:00.000-06:00

Hey, Godiva Chocolatiers, are you listening…What possessed you to change the Vanilla Truffle recipe? You have two very unhappy customers (my sister and I) and we refuse to buy a single piece of Godiva Chocolate until the original recipe is back for good.

New coke versus classic coke ring any bells?

Anybody tried the new Choxie chocolate from Target yet? Please let me know what you think. :-)

Long time coming

2005-11-12T06:39:00.000-06:00

…I’ve been somewhat quiet the past several days…*long sigh*…I’m attempting something astronomically difficult. I’m not ready to “talk” about the situation yet. What I’m trying to accomplish is beyond my puny capabilities but I must try…my life, my mental state and my future is riding on the outcome.

If I seem distant, please understand that I don’t mean to be…

For a friend

2005-11-12T02:41:00.000-06:00

Got a call from an old dear friend of mine yesterday, her father passed away last month. She spoke with such sadness and shock. Apparently, her father’s passing was the first time she’s witnessed death and terminal illness up close. If possible, please say a few prayers for my friend and her family, their world has become one of agony and loss.

Thank you.

Grey matter

2005-11-10T04:03:00.000-06:00

I'm not bored this time, I just enjoy quizzes: