Still here, don’t know how and wish I wasn’t
With that said… I’ve barely kept this blog alive. I want to apologize to all my friends new and old, Internet or in my daily life. Ironically, I feel the same about my blog as I do my life. I don’t have the energy for either but I promised my loved ones I would fight. Too bad I didn’t promise to be courageous, witty and kind. I’m cranky, angry and I just want to scream.
I have two more ct scans to go through in the next month and a half, a heart stress test and about three other procedures I can’t pronounce or spell. One doctor feels it’s highly probable that I have cancer in my stomach, another doctor has mentioned maybe throat cancer and last but not least, the latest specialist is very certain my ailment is due to heart problems.
My worst fears are coming to fruition. I’m going to die slowly, painfully and leave my poor husband with so much debt that he’ll never financially recover. Hell, we are still so far in debt now, what’s a few hundred thousand dollars more?
Must stop being so morbid…I just can’t help the crashing waves of emotion coursing through my heart, soul and mind.
Dreams…who knew how evil and tortuous dreams could be but at the same time they are all I live for. In my dreams I can still run, breathe easy, talk, sing and just live in full Technicolor splendor. My body is alive, free and pulsating with the essence of existing. Then, I wake up and reality sucks away the pure and simple pleasures that I took for granted for so long.
Yes, I’m a very overly dramatic person and for all I know I could merely have a benign tumor in my throat that could be dealt with safely through medication or surgery. Maybe after all the test results have been analyzed and the doctor consultations I’ll be reassured and I’ll be right as rain in no time. But this is ME, my life has been a train wreck from the get go and I’ve been waiting for the “good times” that everyone speaks about but they never come.
Now, getting to the gist of this little blog post…There are many lovely human beings in the world and I’ve had the pleasure of communicating with them through my blog. I want these people to know how much you have impacted my life and given me strength to face life head on. I miss spending time with you all. I miss our back and forth chatter. At the moment, I can’t keep up. I refuse to end this blog but I can only post sparingly. I appreciate you all and I am awed at how many of you wonderful friends have stuck by me even though I don’t reciprocate. Thank you.
Also, please don’t be offended if I left your name from the above list. I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree of late, what with all the meds I’m taking.
P.S. Janelle won VH1’s Reality Star of 2006…GO JANIE!