What you tried to say to me

Monday, January 30, 2006

Welcome to the house of fun?

There’s nothing like waking up and stepping into a nest of hornets waiting to pounce. Have you ever walked into a room filled with people and you sense that some drama had played itself out just before you made your entrance?

Still groggy from a lovely deep sleep having had no sleep the night before from coughing my lungs up all night long, I casually made my way to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. Out of habit, I scanned the different rooms for the Other’s (sister, BIL and niece), looking for signs of trouble, fighting or any chaos that would require me to run for the hills (my bedroom). At first glance everyone looked busy or content, but boy was I wrong. My niece was in rare form and whiny and obnoxious doesn’t fully define her actions during the next several hours. My BIL is possibly facing a stint in jail and hasn’t worked in six months. Between bills and lawyer fees his trust fund has run out and all my BIL and sister have to live on is their savings. My sister floats from room to room playing the martyr and acts like her world is falling apart, which in her case it is. As of today I have no pity for either one of them. The reason they are in dire straits is because of my BIL’s addiction and my sister’s share of the blame runs deep but is too long and complicated to write about at the moment. I don’t find joy in their suffering, I don’t sit in my room relishing their down-fall but I do believe the karma like justice befalling them is more than fair.

Here is a sample of my sister’s daily antics. Every day I find her crying or “acting” emotionally distraught. At these moments I ask her if she needs a hug or would she like to talk. I rack my brain for ways to cheer her up or calm her down. Most often she pushes me away and acts like I have nothing she needs. Still, I keep putting myself out there, ready to be a shoulder to cry on. I’m not saying their problems are small but we all have burdens to bear and their burdens are not tragedies dumped on them but burdens they themselves made. Today, I found my sister in tears on a few occasions but for some reason I was hesitant to comfort her. Maybe because I’m tired of her rejection or maybe it’s because she was acting very childish around me, I’m not sure but I kept to myself. Then, while my niece was in her room listening to music (rare occurrence), my husband and BIL were out running some errands, my sister starts crying and tells me that she woke up at 4am in the morning and tried to gas herself to death in her car. I was stunned. I couldn’t speak or think. She said she couldn’t go through with it because she found an old picture of her daughter in the front seat of the car. The next few hours were a blur to me as I grappled with the possibility of my sister’s demise. I must have looked very tortured by my thoughts because finally my sister comes waltzing back into the living room and says, “I was just joking about the car thingy”. AND, she had the audacity to smile when she said she was just joking.

So, you can understand why I feel NO pity for either my BIL or sister while they deal with the consequences of their bad behavior. Gosh, I’m still sick to my stomach from just the thought of my sister sitting in her car slowly dying. I must go and find a way to relax and let the very toxic feelings leave my mind.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


I’m back and so excited that I don’t know what to do first! I have a ton of blogs to read, plus answer questions and write comments. :)

Friday, January 27, 2006

He's at it again

I have maybe a minute or a few seconds to cut and paste this post, I hope it works.

I’ve tried, really really tried but I’m floating in a sea of anger. Once you move beyond a certain age (oh, lets say over forty years old) manners and consideration shouldn’t be a difficult concept. Furthermore, when you make a mistake…a big huge whopper of a mistake, just own it, apologize and make amends. Don’t wallow in your guilt and cause every one around you to suffer. You messed up Mr. and you know who you are and what you did. If you hadn’t noticed from the last time you were incarcerated, consequences are real and there is no f-ing tooth fairy! Now you have a new set of troubles with another chance at incarceration but you act (key word, ACT) like you are so repentant and have huge sad eyes but you know and I know that it’s a farce.

For the past few days my Internet time has been taken away. I get a few minutes and then hours of no connectivity. When I question why this is happening I’m told, “Uh, um…I don’t know”. Then, come to find out, my BIL is trying to change our network to achieve a bit more security but the only thing he can pull off is no more Internet. I’m angry because he lied. I’m angry because he could have had the decency to explain what was happening and given the rest of the house notice so we could get much needed business finished before losing net access. Almost two years of living with my sister, BIL and niece and they have made almost every minute feel like torture. I go out of my way to such an extreme to be kind, loving, helpful and be the house cheerleader but they just keep grinding down my efforts. I’ve spoken of this before, all the crap I put up with on top of having to pay over six hundred dollars a month for renting a tiny bedroom in a small house and I’m a family member to boot. My husband and I also pay for some utilities and household items such as cleaning supplies, trash bags, and some food. Not the food that my husband and I eat but food for all three of them. I’m too upset to write down all of my frustration and the skyscraper of anger and pain that has been built by the lot of them, it would take all day. And the fact that I have no access to the net is just the sum total of all that I’ve endured and not just a minor nuisance that I wouldn’t even rant about. UGH! I have so much freaking time to internalize and just sit and think, and think and think some more. Most of the time, all I have to mark the days are my computer/Internet, books and TV. Being ill, I’m so limited and I depend on certain tools to keep me occupied, such as blogging. Gosh, I wish I could write with skill and grace what is in my heart and on my mind. Words do not come easy for me but my emotions feel so amplified. There are so many things left unsaid. I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I’m just a woman stuck in a sick body and mind and I use most of my time watching way too much TV, reading too many blogs and peruse the net quite a bit. My husband works so many hours, my family members are blobs of self-centeredness, all my close friends live in different states miles away and all I ask for is a tiny space to live as best I can but I’m bombarded with schemes and treachery.

And by now after spilling my guts I would probably feel a tad better but I’m facing the rest of my day and possibly more time beyond that without the Internet. By the time you read this it will probably be days later and I’ll have moved on to another subject.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sick feeling in my gut

Oh my gosh…the proverbial crap has hit the fan. Life in my sister’s house has just gone from precarious to the sky is falling. I don’t have any details at the moment but I can say that the “trouble” is aimed at my sister and BIL and only an indirect risk to my husband and myself. As for blogging, I’m not sure if I will be able to post much. I’m so sorry for being so tight-lipped but anonymity is crucial.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Back soon

Just popped in to say that I’ve been feeling a bit poorly the past few days and I will get back to everyone as soon as I can. :)

Saturday, January 21, 2006


What mother would let her (just turned) twelve year old watch the movie “The Deer Hunter”?


I've been told I'm too sensitive and by reading everyone's comments maybe I am. I saw "The Deer Hunter" when I was seventeen and was very disturbed by the content, possibly because my father fought in Vietnam. The Russian Roulette scenes were brutal and to this day I can’t comprehend how people can hurt each other so viciously.

Also, my sister is very irresponsible with what she lets my niece watch on TV maybe that is why I was so harsh in my post. My niece is afraid if the wind blows and if there is any violence or someone getting shot she cries and screams for my sister to turn the channel. My sister will do just about anything to keep my niece out of her hair, even when the show is very inappropriate for a twelve year old.

Thanks for the comments everyone!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Post 1/14 "Here's your chance"


To: Jenny, Jay, Dawn Marie, Corry and Pia thank you so much for the compliments. I feel a bit uncomfortable as I was expecting lots of comments leaning more towards the other end of the spectrum, but your kindness makes me feel wonderful and loved so I’ll take your comments to heart.

Dave, I really appreciate the honesty and I agree implicitly, my blog is grossly pink. The last several months I’ve been desperately trying to design a template closer to my personal tastes but I have so many ideas and can’t decide on any one single design. Risk taker I am not, hopefully I’ll make a decision soon, especially for the poor bloggers that read my blog.

Pie/anonymous, who are you and how do you know me so well!! I say that line from Monty Python, oh, at least five times a week. And I “fart in your general direction”. Thanks for making me laugh! If you know me email me, I’m busting a gut trying to figure out who you are or if I know you personally.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


I’m extremely angry at the moment. Add sad to that feeling of anger and you've got a volatile mix of emotions. Please dear readers, understand that my intentions are not to hurt anyone with the words I will put forth but I if I don’t let go of my anger I think I will combust.

What I need to say is this: Be ever mindful what you say to others!

My sister has a habit of opening up her mouth without thinking or maybe she just doesn’t care. If you have children and can’t handle the stress of raising them don’t come crying to me that you wish you never had them. And please don’t say, “I love my child and would never give them up but I wish I never had her”. I was never given the privilege to have children and I really don’t care that it’s the hardest job in the world. When I see my sister’s daughter look up at her mother with love in her eyes or watching my niece say “I love you mom” on Mother’s Day and then my sister turns to me in her whiny voice and says she can’t handle being a mom and that she wishes she never had children. Life is stressful and we ALL have problems but don’t be so callous with your words to me. I have an arsenal of weapons I could fire upon my sister to hurt her the way she hurts me but I don’t. I don’t enjoy being cruel to people and I don’t spew out words without thinking, why does she?

With that said, please people, think before you speak, you just might be ripping someone’s heart out.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Here's your chance

I've decided to try something new. I want criticism from my readers, well, constructive criticism that is. This is your chance to tell me what you perceive to be my major flaws. Whether personal or regarding my blog, just let it all out and don’t spare my feelings I want total honesty.

Please know this isn’t some sadistic need to have a barrage of insults thrown my way, I just feel that sometimes I get too caught up in my daily struggles that I can’t see a bigger picture.

Thank you.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Boring bits

I have switched (yet again) from one anti-depression medication to another, mainly to save money. While my doctor usually gives me samples, he has on occasion been out of my particular brand. I’m relieved that my future out-of-pocket expenditures will be drastically cut. BUT…and this is a large “but”…for the next few weeks, I will be adjusting my dosage to meet my depression needs. I was told by my doctor that the exact dosage can’t be matched (to my previous brand) with any kind of precision so I will start off with the smallest dosage first. It might explain my inability to write many blog entries lately and why I can’t stop crying. Ah, the lovely life of chronic depression.

Before I forget, the reason for my last post was because I sometimes think my niece has tunnel vision. Her focus is usually on herself and what can be done for her. She is only observant if it involves something worthwhile for her. I don’t mean to pick on the girl but at twelve years old I would hope most children know what lasagna is. Or, at least what noodles and pasta are made of. Every dinner she has ever eaten was something along the lines of mac-n-cheese, cereal, Ramen noodles, cereal, Spaghettios, cereal, crackers with cheese slices, mashed potatoes or CEREAL. So, my interest was piqued when she asked my sister if she could have a bit of lasagna (Stouffers) which was being served to my BIL at that moment. Several bites later my niece turns to my sister and with complete sincerity asks, “What’s in lasagna”? I couldn’t believe my ears. Even my sister looked at her a bit cross-eyed and said, “Pasta, mozzarella cheese, hamburger and marinara sauce”. Then my niece asked what pasta was made of and when my sister said flour/wheat my niece just went back to eating and didn’t say another word until she was finished with her meal.

Maybe I’m reacting a bit harsh, but twelve years old and she doesn’t know what pasta is? When it comes to my niece, sometimes, I just walk away shaking my head, the things that come out of her mouth.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Humor me

Please, if you have time, I have a question for all of you. The question is this: At what age did you become aware of the ingredients in the dinners your parents cooked for you, specifically Lasagna? Also, did you know what pasta was made of at that age?

Thank you!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Resolution generator

In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Get further into debt.

Get your resolution here

Further in debt...NOT POSSIBLE!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Control freaks and double-standards are hard to live with or by

The last six days have been close to bliss, barring all physical ailments of course. Christmas evening my niece and sister flew to the coast to visit my father. My husband (off work for the holidays), BIL and I spent quality time together while my sister and niece were gone and basically had a great time. Our days were filled with Xbox game tournaments and watching TV/movies with the sound turned up so I actually heard what was being said. Meals and chores were done on our time and without a fuss. Lots of entertaining conversations and laughter abounded. There was peace and order to our days. I actually felt motivated to get up and out of bed in the morning. What I didn’t notice until my sister came home was how relaxed my BIL appeared the week she was gone.

The very minute my sister and niece stepped through the front door, I felt tension. Five hours later I felt stressed, angry and wished I was any where other than my sister’s house. I mean, I know my sister is self-centered and demanding but the level of attention-seeking and desire for control is sickening. I watched as my BIL became another person, a robot. Every aspect of life in her home was changed, uprooted or challenged. For instance, the furniture in the living room was changed to suit her needs and no one else’s. Dinner had to be eaten when she wanted even though no one else was hungry. She closed all the windows and complained of how cold she was even though the rest of us were a bit warm. Dallas is having a slight heat wave this winter. Tomorrow the high is predicted to rise to 80 degrees. The TV became her domain and after her chosen movie was watched she informed us (her subjects) that she was going to sleep. With much anticipation, my BIL, husband and I sat down to watch the movie we wanted. Ten minutes into the movie my sister sends my niece into the living room and we are commanded to turn the volume down because she has a headache. Which translates to, no movie for us because without the sound what’s the point. This was the moment where I started to get angry. After having to cater to her every whim most of the day and her pathetic fits if she wasn’t the center of every one’s attention (even the fricking dog), I realized just how much I dislike my sister. She controls every thing to an insane degree and her double standards are outrageous. The sad part is that the examples I’ve given are just a tiny fraction of the control or demands she places on her household.

I’ve always known that living with my sister was difficult at best but now I wish she had never gone on vacation because I long for the serenity and simple fun that was experienced when she was gone. Sort of like the “you can’t miss what you’ve never had” mentality.

The only way I know how to deal with all the many trials in my life is to resign myself to the fact that nothing is going to get better…ever. So, I keep praying for God to make me stronger (more able to cope) and hope I can live out my days with a semblance of dignity. In the meantime you’ll find me sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth humming, “Tra la la, la la la la”.

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!