What you tried to say to me

Saturday, July 30, 2005

I like quizzes and I don't care who knows

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.

You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.

You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

Well, imagine that, a large percentage of this is true.

Taken from the awesome DEB

Friday, July 29, 2005

lovely complexion

Thank you all so much for your kindness. I've received such nice emails and comments and I'm overjoyed at all the love sent my way. I'm deeply sorry that I haven't had the strength to respond to each one of you but in time I'm hoping to email you each personally.

My appointment for the CT scan was a debacle from the get-go. First, I was given the wrong address for the scan and ended up at the Drs. Office that READS the reports but does not do the scan itself. It took the poor confused receptionists about thirty minutes to get the correct address from my doctor’s office. I arrive at the hospital, head to registration and for some reason my orders aren’t readily available. This took time to “fix”. Next, I waited to be seen by the admittance clerk, and then I had paper after paper after paper to read and sign. The best part came when the clerk very sweetly but firmly said that the fee would be $600 dollars (twenty percent of the total cost) and I melted into a gooey thick liquid into my chair. The mental picture in my head of all my savings being spent on my medical bills just made me want to cry where I sat.

Defeated, I was taken to Radiology and given more papers to fill out. The very kind receptionist told me that I would be waiting almost an hour for my scan because since I didn’t show up on time they gave my spot to everyone ahead of me. I sat, feeling a bit miffed at this point for a mix up that wasn’t even my fault. I was also given wrong instructions on what not to eat or drink so as I sat in the waiting room my tongue felt cottony and swollen from not having any water to drink for eight hours. I found out from the scan technician that I could have had water at any time.

The very competent and kind technician explained as I lay on the scan bed/table that I was to have a contrast dye IV inserted into the vein in my arm. No biggie. I have a very good vein that has never given me a bit of trouble. As the tech fiddled with the IV I looked around at the large machine in front of me but I felt a huge pinch in my arm, looked over to see blood squirting all over my arm and the floor. The tech got extremely flustered and grabbed for some nearby towels and gauze to staunch the flow of blood. After gaining control of the bleeding and cleaning up my arm and the floor the tech told me the IV needle broke and the tubing wouldn’t come out of my arm, among other difficulties. What ever that meant. The testing finally took place, and all went well except I couldn’t hold my breath as long as the test called for.

Now, it’s a waiting game. I was told to call for an appointment the middle of next week to speak with doctor and go over the results. I also have an appointment with my regular doctor late next week because my blood test results showed I have Anemia and they need to do more tests for other reasons also.

I’m a mess. I’m tired. But I’m feeling a tiny bit empowered because I’m finally getting to the root of my health problems. I’m so used to having my feelings/aches/pains belittled that I cried in the doctor’s office the other day when my doctor apologized for not being able to help me alleviate my symptoms because of a lack of diagnosis. He APOLOGIZED, to ME. Imagine that.

The best part of the whole day, and I still can’t believe it happened, was the registration clerk told me as I was leaving that my facial complexion was the nicest she’s ever seen. At this point in my life I think that was the most awesome compliment that I could have received. GO ME! :-)

Thursday, July 28, 2005

clipped wings

Do I dare? Do I dare hope that this is the end of my “prison” of infirmity? Will the next phase of my life be that second chance I’ve dreamed of or the long dark hallway of pain and finally death? Too much to fathom. I’m trying desperately to keep my mind blank so I don’t hope.


Received a phone call from the doctors office regarding some of my blood tests and I can now add Anemia to my list of ailments. The nurse said the lab is adding three more tests to all the blood work already being done. Since I have to pay 20% of all testing including the CT scan I'm just a wee bit SHOCKED. Anybody know how much a CT scan of the lungs costs?

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


My nieces are out with my sister. My husband is at work and so is my BIL. I’m alone and able to let go the tears and not have to be strong for anyone.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying not to fall apart. I can’t let the “unknown” suck the life out of me.

I’m on my husband’s insurance plan, finally and I had my office visit today. I have a large “abnormality” showing up on my chest x-ray. I guess all those chest pains weren’t stress after all. My next step is a CT scan. I should be getting a phone call tomorrow telling me where and when. Along with the CT scan I am to see a pulmonary specialist after the scan results are ready.

To be honest, I feel like I’m floating outside my body. I feel like my head is in a cloudy place. People are moving around me, talking, walking, doing their normal routines and I’m sitting in the living room floating. My mind is screaming at me, “Wake up you idiot, you are sick and now you have proof”.

I must go and be alone with my thoughts.

Embarrassing secret #75

As long as I can remember I’ve always had trouble falling asleep, maybe the cause being insomnia. I’ve tried every remedy short of taking a sleeping pill every night. One of my favorite “remedies” was taught to me by my mother. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I was about five or six and very upset. My mother sat at the edge of my bed speaking soothing words but still I stayed awake. My dear mother, never showing her frustration, told me a story about my Grandfather and his shiny black car and I instantly fell asleep. I still have trouble falling asleep most nights but the process is much easier when I tell myself a story or make up a story. Sometimes an idea for a story pops up during the day and I “research” parts of the storyline to keep my plots as real as possible.

So, now that I’m totally embarrassed and turning every shade of red you all know one of my secrets. My current story involves a copper mine. I wanted to see for myself how these types of mines worked, specifically with trams running in and out of the mine. More often than not, the photos I found (online) were of old log cabins or decaying homes (near the mines) that were left for what ever reason.

Getting to the point of this post…when I look at these broken down homes I feel such a huge sense of loss and a strong desire to know that the people who once lived there turned out okay. Is this normal? Am I just a nutty fool? Why can’t I see the houses as old houses instead of someone’s dear old home? Why can’t I ever feel or be indifferent? My heart always feels like it’s being tugged in a million directions.

Okay, I’m shutting up now.

Monday, July 25, 2005

House of pain

I’m in a very cold dark place right now. I’m shaking, literally, I can’t stop crying and I have shooting rods of lightening pain up and down my arms. How could something from eons ago still affect me this way? I chanced upon just one small porn picture and I’m decimated. Every cell in my body is burning and I can barely breathe. I feel the imprint of hands all over me and it’s terrifying. I DON’T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! I don’t want to live like this. There is too much pain in this house.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Just a thought

1) biggest fear?spiders
2) biggest goal?to be a child of Christ
3) most overused phrase?Sick and tired
4) best physical feature?eyes/eyelashes
5) favorite band?Rock/Metal/Alternative/Dance/Hip hop can't choose
6) favorite movie?Sound of Music or Jesus Christ Superstar
7) favorite artist?Van Gogh
8) favorite color?Blue
9) favorite time of day?A time when I feel good physically
10) favorite thing to do?Drive/Travel
11) favorite thing to hate?Evil
12) if yo had to be someone else who would you be?Ophelia
13) if you could live anywhere where would it be?Iceland
14) how do you want to die?With Jesus at my side
15) what do you want to do with your life?Learn and Love
16) best personality trait My twisted sense of humor
17) worst personality traitWhine, whine, whine!
18) smoke?NO
19) drink?Maybe twice a year
20) drugs?Only prescribed drugs
21) piercings?Two
22) tattoos?I'm allergic to pain


Stolen from Carrie

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Laughing and crying

We are being attacked by X-rated mosquitoes from hell. If I weren’t so sad I would be laughing hysterically. Every member of this household is walking around scratching their…er…um…genital areas AND their behinds (specifically the fork in the road area). For some insane reason the mosquitoes are zeroing in on these areas of our bodies with such zeal it’s just not NORMAL. The little buggers are practically invisible, you rarely see them and the itch is so intense. Etiquette and "lady-like" behavior took a bus to Timbuktu and we are all walking around the house scratching like animals.

It stopped being funny this morning around 9am when I went to bed and woke up an hour later scratching my arm with great fervor. I took a closer look at my arm and found NINE bites on my forearm alone. I also had several bites on my legs. The itch turned into a wave of fire that wouldn’t let me sleep. My sister suggested I take benadryl, which I did and easily fell asleep less than thirty minutes later. I kept sleeping and sleeping and more sleeping till 12:30 midnight! That amounts to almost 14 hours of sleep. Yuck. The worst part is now I’m so lethargic and I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck.

As for the “crying” half of my subject title, I’ve once again started a cycle of depression. It’s probably more situational than cyclical. My BIL showed up last night (very late) said nothing to my sister and proceeded as if nothing was amiss. He went to bed, woke up this morning and left for work, still saying nothing to my sister. My sister was lying in her bed when I got up at midnight and she was crying. I felt stabbing pains in my chest to see her so defeated. She told me she wanted to die but she couldn’t do that to her daughter. A short time later BIL comes home, slightly stoned, and hands me a letter. It’s the results to a drug test he took the other day and it showed no negative results. Who the heck does he think he’s kidding! First, you can cheat on those tests and secondly, I know when someone is sober or not and he hasn’t been sober in weeks. I am flooded with so many feelings…anger, hate, sadness, betrayal, sympathy, heartache…it’s such a horrible life the addicted live. When my sister said she wanted to die, it’s sad to say my first reaction was one of anger. She REFUSES to admit her culpability in this muddle of muck that her husband and she started. She REFUSES to own up to her own addictions. My BIL will admit his addictions but he blames my sister. Vomit, gag, vomit!

To save myself (that sounds so freaking selfish) my husband and I have decided to move out in January (or sooner), no matter what our finances are. It will be cold enough to sleep in the car if we have to but it’s having an actual date to look forward to that is keeping us from stepping off the ledge of sanity. I feel tears welling up but I can’t cry.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Didn't see this one coming...

...Brother-in-law walked out on my sister tonight. We don’t know where he went (probably a friend’s house) and what is so odd is that my sister was relieved. I was the one crying and begging him to stay for his daughter’s sake and my sister appeared, dare I say, HAPPY.

What the future will bring, I don’t have a clue but the addiction that holds them both captive is keeping them from the truth. They blame each other for all that is wrong in their lives; I guess it’s too painful for them to deal with reality. Reality being, the drugs are stealing every chance at happiness they have.

A major complication concerning this latest drama is my other niece is here for a summer visit and her home life is stressful enough; she doesn’t need to be a witness to this nuthouse.

I keep waiting for this merry-go-round to stop but it just spins faster. ACK!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Enthusiasm lost in the shuffle

I must be going through a phase. I haven’t been reading many blogs this past week. This phase is rather odd because I adore reading blogs. In fact, I’ve been so engrossed while reading that I don’t realize what’s going on around me. Not this week. Hmm…I can’t put my finger on it, don’t know the cause and it has me wondering.

I downloaded a free Solitaire game and this is what I’ve been doing for hours on end. I like numbers and I enjoy Solitaire games like “Spider” or “Royal Rendezvous”.

It’s just weird. I have so much in my head that needs to be put on paper and if I started reading all the blogs I’ve bookmarked I’ll still never catch up on all the reading. I feel lame and…passive. I hope my fervor for blog reading returns soon, until then, I’m sorry for my lack of attentiveness.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Thankful, tired and calm

I’m calm, I’m not over reacting, I’m calm and how I’ve attained this calmness is probably because this is the aftermath post and not the beginning post.

My beautiful “can’t say enough wonderful things about” kitty became ill and after a complete work up she was found to have a major uterine infection. The infection was seeping out of her rectum (the smell, I shall never forget) which thankfully saved her life and alerted us to the ailment. After a few nights at the kitty hospital and a hysterectomy she is home and hopefully healing to the point where she never has to spend another night away from me.

Next, my husband finds a lump under his chin. Many prayers and two doctors later we found out that the lump is benign and hubby is fine. Can’t write much about this because the tears will start again and I’ll lose my composure.

Last but not least, (insert really big *sigh*) my BIL spiraled out of control this week (addiction). If he doesn’t straighten up he is going to lose my sister or everything he has ever worked for.

Everyone in this house is experiencing life’s unexpected stress attacks. We are all walking around with really strained, sad faces and the tension is palpable. Oddly enough, I feel real sympathy for my sister. Any second her life could go up in smoke and she knows this. The anxiety she is feeling must be crushing. My role in her life as sister, confidant and friend goes only so far and I try to shower her with love and good advice but she doesn’t respect me therefore she doesn’t lean on me for support. I will continue to be as helpful as I can but what she wants from me at this moment in time I cannot give.

It’s time to give my precious her antibiotic and pain medication and then I need to sleep, I’m exhausted.

Monday, July 11, 2005

My memory game

  • Ft. Belvoir, Virginia (Jadwin Loop) My bicycle, Saturday mornings and little girl dreams.

  • Baumholder, Germany Castles, clam shells with honey candy and mysterious gypsies.

  • Sunshine Skyway Bridge Stopping at the top looking for The Ghost and my best friend Karensa.

  • The Condo Swimming for hours with my friend Lil Bit.

  • City of the nearly dead & newly wed Coming home from work and seeing my husband (to be) leaning against his car holding a single red rose the day after our first date.

  • Texas The first time my niece touched her tiny precious hand to my face and said, “Wuv you”.

But as always it comes down to the memory of mom, holding me tight, caressing my forehead, and telling me everything will be alright.

Shame and Anger

I wasn’t going to write this post, but I need to. I need a place to go to let out the negative so I can use my mouth for only positive.

The situation is this, I’m angry. The kind of anger that causes physical reactions in my body making me feel white hot. I won’t get into the particulars, suffice it to say, I am angry and when I get out of this house I don’t believe I will ever be able to have a relationship with my sister and BIL. I’m fighting for my life (spiritual sense) and when I’m with them I begin to fall away from my beliefs and sink down to their level. I’m so angry at them that I want to GET them in trouble legally (and I could), I want them to suffer as I have, and I want them to pay for how hurtful they have been to my husband and I. My heart is usually so loving and gentle but the fury I feel is so strong. Even in my worst moments no one has made me feel as badly as my sister and BIL, wait, and my father too.

The essence of my anger this evening is that I just yelled at my niece in such a cold manner and her behavior was mainly due to her upbringing and her parent’s inability to take time out of their neuroses to raise her correctly. I hurt an eleven year old child’s feelings and I am so ashamed.

I never want to feel this way again but most of all I never want to hurt my niece again.

Thursday, July 07, 2005


If you don’t already know, I sleep during the day to avoid contact with my sister/BIL/niece. Today I woke up a little early, maybe I was excited about the season premiere of Big Brother 6 or maybe it was the dog barking incessantly; what ever the reason I was gifted with an empty house. My sister and niece are over at a friend’s house and probably won’t be back until late this evening. Feeling close to euphoric I fired up my computer ready to immerse myself into the blog world when I heard about the London bombing. That old fear washed over me and I sat for quite some time frightened out of my mind. Not fear for myself or fear of another bombing here in America but the fear for humanity and how easy it is for evil to spread and infiltrate every molecule in the universe. I feel such a deep sadness that my soul hurts.


Feeling a might perkier today and have some thoughts to share.

First, the quest for crappy insurance has taken a nose dive. We were informed that hubby was only given the option for insurance because of his daughter, my step daughter (a minor) and something to do with child support payments. I was not included in the plan because I am not a minor. Said husband, feeling a bit enraged, reamed the poor insurance agent a new $%@#. Reamed ins. agent told husband that he was sorry about the situation and would see if he could pull some strings and get me on the plan but he couldn’t promise anything. Hubby being very worried about my health and a trifle on edge told the insurance agent to not bother calling him back if he was only going to blow sunshine up his butt. Whoa.

Moving right along. Thank you Corry for your kind heart and all the wonderful prayers. I prayer all is well in your world too.

On a very happy note, I was flipping through the TV Guide for Thursday evening and what did my eyes spy? Big Brother 6 season premiere is on at 7pm. Just knock me over with a 2 by 4! I’m so STOKED.

The best news is my father is home and barking orders in his usual fashion. His doctors told him to take it easy for the next couple of months but he is in the clear. Today has been a good day.

Sunday, July 03, 2005


Headache gone, replaced by…something not of this world. Whether flu/cold/sinus infection what ever, I feel drained and my mind is numb. It’s taken me a solid five minutes just to write this sentence. Thanks Deb and Carrie for the get well comments, they are very much appreciated.

I’m sitting here staring at the blank white screen. I want to write, I have so much to say but I’m too tired.

Luther, I hope you are in a better place where weight isn’t an issue.

Friday, July 01, 2005

So tired

Can't sleep. Evil, noxious headache is wreaking havoc on my brain. Wah!